I'm sorry in advance for the long rant!
I asked a question last month about not becoming bitter. Well, I set my boundaries, told my mother that someone else would be mowing her yard while we were on vacation and asked that she pay my husband a small amount to mow her grass and she BLEW UP. I requested $10 a week just to cover our gas to drive to her house. She tried to shame me and said my husband mows her grass now and she's going to ask him if he wants money. We both work full time and we are worn out. I'm at a loss as to what's going on with her. She's very protective of her money and although I think I hurt her feelings (or embarrassed her), she really thinks we owe her. As I mentioned before, she says "this will all be yours someday." No matter what I do, I get no credit. She always tells me that I'm not like her, tells me that I'm like my father(they divorced when I was 1) and has always been critical of me which makes me resentful. She praises my husband for mowing her yard but collects money from the crops and wants to keep it all. I have worked since I was 14, paid for my own college and have never asked her for anything. I'd love to just walk away but I feel sorry for her even though she treats me terrible. Am I being petty for asking to be paid at least gas money to get there?? She is full on taking advantage of us. Or how should I have approached this? I wasn't rude but I don't think she would've taken it well either way.
Loren: CRICKETS? Nothing? Really?
You are an adult.
Your could say:
Loren: "Really, Mom. Can you explain to me the ways I am like Dad?" (gently. Sweetly. Softly and with great curiousity and a quizzical expression on your pretty face).
How about that for an idea? And then........ dependent on the answer, it could maybe go this way:
IF mom says mean and negative things about Dad........
Loren's reactions could be:
Loren: "Well, Mom, you seem to find both Dad and I not especially likeable.
You divorced Dad. Would you like to divorce me? Because, really, Mom, people don't change. I won't be changing, for certain, because I don't specially WANT to change. But I CAN relieve you of my presence. And would be happy to do that for you. Would you like that?"
(Loren stays very sweet and gentle during this reaction).
Loren,
I don't know what to say to you other than that you were likely raised by a woman with serious limitations as a mother, and she won't be changing; no miracles of love and acceptance will be coming your way from her, no matter how well hubby mows the lawn.
That leaves you with choices.
You are a grownup. You are RESPONSIBLE NOW for making your choices. Stay as you are or change things for yourself.
You can complain and marinate in your mother's bad behaviors toward you, but that won't really change anything. And while some friends will sympathize and think you a martyred Saint, they will soon enough tire of the stories and begin to wonder why you don't walk away from abuse. They will begin to think not "What's the matter with mom" but instead, "what's the matter with Loren?".
Consider getting psychological help. A cognitive therapist won't waste your time talking about your childhood and toilet training issues. A cognitive therapist will shake you up a bit and point you toward different paths from the habitual ones you are on. She will make you weep, wail and work.
It takes TREMENDOUS courage to leave the "known" even when the known is harmful and abusive, so when you start on a new path (if that is your choice) give yourself a huge round of applause and praise and as many medals as you can find. Like I said, it makes you a hero to change yourself. And your SELF is the only one you can change.
I wish you so much luck. You will be so proud of yourself when you endeavor to do this for yourself. And then you won't need the praise of Mom or me or anyone else. The very best out to you.
And just because she says all this will be tours someday (whatever that carrot is she is dangling over your head) means nothing because mom may need to go into a facility one day and all that may have to be sold if she ever needs to go on medicaid.
You're already "just like your father" whom mother divorced, not good enough, so why on earth are you feeling sorry for her and jumping thru fiery hoops to please a person who won't BE pleased? Let go of the notion that suddenly mother will become the mom you've always wanted. She won't and you'll keep getting kicked in the butt until you decide ENOUGH.
Enjoy your weekends with DH and tell mother to call a lawn service.
Make the split.
DH stops mowing. He gets more free time. Win.
No more awkward conversations about money. Win.
No more listenting to you'll own all this one day... that comes with inbuilt expections to earn it with busy work now. Win.
Your Mom hires her own lawn maintenance person. She can view this as a loss.. or.. a win for her independance.
You can always ask her, "How many people have you worked FOR for FREE?"
I would remind her you paid your own way in life, like you were raised to do.
Above all, did she do the yard work for her elderly parents for free? If she makes money off crops, she knows life is not a free ride. If someone is that selfish and ungrateful, don't do ANYTHING for them....Mother or not.
She's clearly a control freak. With money, because she refuses to pay people to work for her. Stop falling for it. KEEP THOSE BOUNDARIES.
You STOP mowing her lawn.
You STOP going to help her with ALL the things that you have been helping her with.
When you get back from vacation don't pick up where you left off.
This is all part and parcel of the boundaries that you set.
( by the way setting boundaries is not jut boundaries for her but for YOU. )
If the city, village, county whatever governing agency comes along and says she has to mow or she will get a ticket do NOT break down and mow. She can call someone and pay them to get it done.
All the better that she is not answering the phone....you should not be calling.
By the time it “all” belongs to you, you will hate the place. It won’t hold good memories for you. It will only represent a reminder of a wasted life being a slave to someone who is herself damaged.
Hopefully she will have enough saved to pay for her old age care but it is time to realize that while her care is assured, yours and your husbands will not be unless you shift your focus. Accept that and walk away with your very life.
Find out what your dreams are and what your husbands dreams are. If it is to mow someone else’s grass you can find plenty of people to appreciate your efforts closer to home.
I am so sorry you are stuck.
Here is a good book recommendation.
“What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing”
Notice it doesn’t ask What’s wrong with you? Find out what happened to you and maybe you can heal the trauma enough to start living your life and not just reacting to what she’s got going on in hers.
Thank you for letting us know how it is going. We are cheering you on.
Let. Her. fail
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