My wife and I have been fighting a lot more recently. My mother is currently in a care facility that is nearly two hours away from our house. It was the only facility that would accept my mother. She is on Medicaid and she is in a locked down memory care unit in a SNF. It is not the best place, but that is besides the point.
My mother's issues are slightly complex and nuanced. We have tried a plethora of treatment options to deal with her behaviors when she gets triggered by something, but nothing worked. That is when the officially gave her a Dementia related psychosis diagnosis on her file, which I did not know was like a major red flag that limits the pools of faculties that would take her greatly.
The issue is her delusions themselves are not considered violate or safety hazard in itself, so her medical team simply said all we can do it mitigate and remove her triggers. Problem is my mother's trigger is essentially being left alone. If she has someone with her that actively engages with her she fine, as her doctor puts it she is "pleasantly demented" that is the issue, no place will provide that, and I cannot afford to provide it,
Her currently place took her in by the grace of God, but I pretty much have to go 3 to 4 times a week minimum or my mother freaks out. This is where the fights with my wife stem from. Prior to her placement, I was paying for PCA services, with a minimal hours provided by Medicaid, was something like 28 hours a week. What a joke, I covered the rest but I was not able to sustain it so I had to place her cause Medicaid is limited in what they provide care for.
I was out with my wife on Valentines Day and my mom's facility was blowing up my phone because got it in her head she needed to get back to home to me. Part of her delusion is I am still a child, which makes matters far worse cause she gets into this mother bear mode that cannot be dissuaded. I tried to claim her down via FaceTime but she was not having it, so I had to cancel our plans and drive down, while talking to my mom the entire time. When I arrived I was able to relax her, reading to me relaxes her. We tried to do it over FaceTime but as mentioned she was not having it.
My wife and I got into it, she told me she felt neglected, and her needs always had to come last. It is not my intent, I have tied to explain I am currently looking for a care manger to help me out, but they are pricey and it does not solve the issues of her behaviors either.
Putting her a psychological facility is also not a solution, I spoke with her doctors and they strongly advice against it. The way the explained it to me, is, what she is feeling is a response to a trigger and a valid one. In her head a group of people are keeping her away from her child. When she was home it was not an issue because I legit was across the street. We got her into an apartment across from our house.
It is not so simple here. because my mother still can retain information to a degree so therapeutic fibs only go to add to the powder keg. When it mind catches up with the fib she explodes. Thus why I visit as much as I do.
I am at a freaking loss, I want to legit just not wake up so I do not have to deal with this shit anymore, but I understand that is not possible. I am sick of fighting. I know my wife feels neglected, but my hands are tied.
As the admin of the facility told me, I need them more than they need me. They told me this after I told them I could not make and asked if they could figure it out. She laid into me, and warned me next time I try to pass the buck to them she is gone. It took me FOREVER to find this place. We sent out her Medicaid assessment to over 100 facilities. The nearest one that would take her was nearly two hours away.
Sorry for my rant and stuff, if you have more exact questions please ask.
This is NOT sustainable.
If it kills you, what then? What happens to Mom?
I can tell you the answer. She will quickly enough be provided medication relief.
And yes, I mean EVEN IF IT MEANS she is in a stupor, because quite honestly that is sometimes the only answer. Many elders don't even HAVE children.
The facility is hired to provide this specialized care. So are the doctors involved in the care.
I stand firmly with your wife.
You need to be protected from risking your own life, which is what you are doing.
Your constantly answering this call is enabling them to ignore that this is a person who is in SEVERE DISTRESS.
Tell them that for your own medical reasons you cannot continue this.
Ask that they medicate your mother to the level she is not in distress.
Sorry, you can't fix this. You cannot continue in this manner. Throwing yourself on your mother's funeral pyre isn't going to help her or you, and it will destroy your marriage.
1. Get yourself into therapy to learn how to take back your power. You cannot set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
2. Your mother is in a facility. There is a such thing as an ombudsman who you can file a complaint with. Also, you can file a complaint with the Department of Health about this facility if push comes to shove. Don't let anyone bully you into driving when you are too tired to calm an elderly person down. There are medications to help these people relax. Anyone who refuses to medicate an overly excited senior or refusing to send them to a psychiatric ward so that a geriatric psychiatrist who specializes in these types of cases is wrong. There is nothing wrong with psychiatry.
* I would contact the Department of Aging and find out if there is any help out there.
Please get some rest and relaxation. Your amygdala is probably in overdrive at this point. Listen to your wife and protect your marriage. Your marriage and your family that you have created with your wife comes first.
I know this may sound cold; but people get old. When they need a higher level of care this is when long term care and assisted living comes on the scene. We need to accept the fact that we are no longer able to provide without doing further damage to ourselves mentally and physically.
I took a lot of crap from my family with their nonsense, crap from social workers and Home Health agencies. I was suffering and no one cared. Finally, when I was at work and was just worn, I started the process to move forward to have my disabled placed. It took a while but she eventually was placed and I moved into my own apartment. If I would have stayed in the family home, I probably would have been homeless.
One doctor told me years ago; if you don't look out for yourself, no one else will. I believe in self-preservation.
It was a big help in visits to. We would by outfits at the thrift store, bring presents for the baby and make a big fuss over changing her into her new outfit and then putting her down for her nap while we went for a soda and walk.
Is your mom on any anti-anxiety meds? Sounds like she has sundowning that needs to be addressed by her doctor. I would be looking for a geriatric doctor that has some real experience with medications for the demented.
Best of luck. These situations are tough on all involved.
Look, the NH can't put her out on the street. They would send her to a hospital and then you decline to pick her up. She will remain hospitalized until a facility is found.
Your mother, it would appear to me, NEEDS to go to a psych facility so that her delusions can be controlled by medication.
Maybe in a perfect world, all demented elders would have one to one competitions to reassure them constantly. Right now, that's not the case.
You, dear man, are going to die from a stress related disease or crash on the way to comforting your mom. Please don't let that happen.
Your first responsibility is to your health and your marriage.
LIke medications did not do anything to prevent her response from the trigger. That is the issue.
I have asked about things like seroquel but was told it is not safe or approved to give to someone with demenita related psychosis. Was told treatment is more about mitigating and removing triggers to limit outbursts.
I am no medical professional, so I do defer to her medical team.
Do I need to find new doctors? She does have a geriatric team that is part of our local hospital and has one of the best dementia related teams.
My mother also recognizes them. Should I just use the doctors afflicted with the facility? Are her current doctors lying to me about treatment for dementia related psychosis?
Step away. You aren't an expert.
She wants her baby? Well, he's married and has a life and isn't available.
So whatever has to be done to make her accept that fact should be done, and that isn't up to YOU.
YOU have a MARRIAGE TO SAVE.
In your shoes, I would get the Ombudsman involved to respond to their threat.
I think your mother would be better off it a specialty psych facility where they are willing to think outside the box in terms of medication.
Your mother has a fatal disease. In my view, under those circumstances it is allowable to try meds that will allow her some peace. And for you not to become suicidal.
I’ve only been on this forum for 6 months and I have seen several marriages fall apart over one spouse putting their parent first. I’m not pretending I have it all together myself. My mom’s care is putting a strain on my marriage, even though I have care 6 days a week and mom is only 30 min. away.
I also don't understand the doctors' reluctance to prescribe NECESSARY medication to keep her calm. I think I'd consider asking for a 2nd or even 3rd opinion from different doctors. Even if you have to pay for an independent assessment (if you can), it may be worth it. I'm 87 and hope that if I ever end up in anything remotely like your mother's situation, I'll be medicated to the extent necessary to keep me calm--even if some may consider that a "chemical straitjacket".
Your mom is now their "buck" and it is up to them to have to figure out how to handle her. They obviously don't want to, even though they are the ones getting paid to do so. That's some crazy mixed up shit for sure!
Typically when a loved one is placed in a facility, they recommend that the family stay away for several weeks so the family member can adjust. Did they not recommend that to you and if they did why didn't you listen?
Your mom will never adjust to her new home if you keep running to her aide every time she calls you.
And the facility should not be calling you every time your mom has an episode, but instead should be handling it best they can and if need be getting their doctor involved to help with medications that might keep her more calm.
I don't blame your wife for feeling neglected, as she is being neglected. Your wife and marriage should be your number one priority, then your children, grandchildren and then your mom.
So as you can see, you do have your priorities mixed up. Hopefully it's only fleeting and you'll soon get them back in order.
And I would keep searching for a better memory care facility for your mom who actually knows how to deal with peoples issues, as obviously the one she's in now doesn't.
The facilities are out there, and it's my understanding that all MC's have to have a set number of Medicaid beds available, so don't give up. And you may have to seek the help of a social worker from your local Senior Services or Area Agency on Aging to help you.
So I would now recommend that you not only take your wife back out on her belated Valentine's dinner, but perhaps even a nice romantic weekend away. And for God's sake, leave your phone turned off while you are!
I was told they could send her to the ED and refuse to take her back, and if I ignore the phone calls I could get in trouble especially if I do not take calls they claim is an emergency.
It really was hard to find this place her MLTC sent her review to everywhere.