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My wife and I have been fighting a lot more recently. My mother is currently in a care facility that is nearly two hours away from our house. It was the only facility that would accept my mother. She is on Medicaid and she is in a locked down memory care unit in a SNF. It is not the best place, but that is besides the point.



My mother's issues are slightly complex and nuanced. We have tried a plethora of treatment options to deal with her behaviors when she gets triggered by something, but nothing worked. That is when the officially gave her a Dementia related psychosis diagnosis on her file, which I did not know was like a major red flag that limits the pools of faculties that would take her greatly.



The issue is her delusions themselves are not considered violate or safety hazard in itself, so her medical team simply said all we can do it mitigate and remove her triggers. Problem is my mother's trigger is essentially being left alone. If she has someone with her that actively engages with her she fine, as her doctor puts it she is "pleasantly demented" that is the issue, no place will provide that, and I cannot afford to provide it,



Her currently place took her in by the grace of God, but I pretty much have to go 3 to 4 times a week minimum or my mother freaks out. This is where the fights with my wife stem from. Prior to her placement, I was paying for PCA services, with a minimal hours provided by Medicaid, was something like 28 hours a week. What a joke, I covered the rest but I was not able to sustain it so I had to place her cause Medicaid is limited in what they provide care for.



I was out with my wife on Valentines Day and my mom's facility was blowing up my phone because got it in her head she needed to get back to home to me. Part of her delusion is I am still a child, which makes matters far worse cause she gets into this mother bear mode that cannot be dissuaded. I tried to claim her down via FaceTime but she was not having it, so I had to cancel our plans and drive down, while talking to my mom the entire time. When I arrived I was able to relax her, reading to me relaxes her. We tried to do it over FaceTime but as mentioned she was not having it.



My wife and I got into it, she told me she felt neglected, and her needs always had to come last. It is not my intent, I have tied to explain I am currently looking for a care manger to help me out, but they are pricey and it does not solve the issues of her behaviors either.



Putting her a psychological facility is also not a solution, I spoke with her doctors and they strongly advice against it. The way the explained it to me, is, what she is feeling is a response to a trigger and a valid one. In her head a group of people are keeping her away from her child. When she was home it was not an issue because I legit was across the street. We got her into an apartment across from our house.



It is not so simple here. because my mother still can retain information to a degree so therapeutic fibs only go to add to the powder keg. When it mind catches up with the fib she explodes. Thus why I visit as much as I do.



I am at a freaking loss, I want to legit just not wake up so I do not have to deal with this shit anymore, but I understand that is not possible. I am sick of fighting. I know my wife feels neglected, but my hands are tied.



As the admin of the facility told me, I need them more than they need me. They told me this after I told them I could not make and asked if they could figure it out. She laid into me, and warned me next time I try to pass the buck to them she is gone. It took me FOREVER to find this place. We sent out her Medicaid assessment to over 100 facilities. The nearest one that would take her was nearly two hours away.



Sorry for my rant and stuff, if you have more exact questions please ask.

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Hey, I don’t know why this got bumped but anyone’s instant reaction to a Medicaid facility’s threat like this would be to ask for the ombudsman’s contact info. The last thing any provider wants is the state making a non routine visit.

The literal job of an mc is to deal with those who have progressed to the point that it’s beyond the family.
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You know, this post below jogged my memory and when my daughter was small, my mom bought her a doll that looks like her. She sent in a photo.

I know you said a doll didn’t work but maybe find one of these companies and get a doll that looks like a younger you.
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Hi there, comrade. I felt every word you expressed...your situation is almost exactly like mine! Im also struggling to find the right meds to keep my LO calm and less delusional while she's in a memory care facility....but when her memory sparks, she becomes her old angry, controlling, and paranoid self and demands to have me with her at all times or she threatens to leave at all costs. Unfortunately, stronger doses of meds and activities to keep her busy kind of works. She was never a fan of dolls until now though ... she at times believes they are real babies (me and her younger siblings she once took care of). But it doesn't work all the time. Maybe small steps like that can help if your mom still sees you as a child? It's so hard to understand how our LOs minds work in these stages. Especially if they still have their wits to see through the redirection. I pray your mom gets the proper help she needs to stay calm. But YOU have to take care of YOU!!! I know it's easier said than done because your hands feel tied. Damned if you do damned if you don't, right? But facilities and Healthcare are established to help patients with difficult illnesses. Perhaps reach out to the facility's Ombudsman, or your state may provide one. Caregivers need help too....most times it's just to have a piece of mind that your LO is being well taken care of and sone weight is off your back. Also, if you haven't done so yet, register for free with Alzheimers organization (www.alz.org), they offer free resources for LOWD and for caregivers 24/7. If you don't mind, I'd also like to stay connected to read other answers on this thread...I often feel cornered when my mom's behavior becomes uncontrollable and I'm called upon to calm her down at the most inconvenient times too.

But hang in there...you're not alone in this sad and difficult journey. For now, just breath. 🙏🏽
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Now that you have your Mom somewhat safe, I suggest that you visit other Nursing Homes and Memory Care Centers. Be brutually honest about your Mom's behavior. Ask them how they would handle it. Ask them if they have dealt with something similar. Go to another state if needed. Once you find someone who would handle it the way that seems acceptable to you, then ask the Medicaid question.

Involve your wife in the search. It will help her to understand what you are going though. If she says no to a place and you think it is okay, ask her for the reasons why no. Make placing your Mom a joint decision.

See if LTCOP in your state/county will provide any assistance for finding a place:
https://acl.gov/programs/Protecting-Rights-and-Preventing-Abuse/Long-term-Care-Ombudsman-Program

As you found out, the general consensus might be dementia, however, many dementia patients are capable of learning. I didn't want to do the therapeutic fibs as that to me, would just erode the trust my Mom had in me. That is part of the dementia, they know something is off, however, they are not aware of how and when they are "off", therefore, they are seeking the truth....and the truth relies on consistency of information.

I wish you well on your journey. The journey is hard and much easier when shared with others.
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The centers for medicare and medicaid are obligating facilities to use less and less anti-psychotic or behavior modifying medications for patients in facilities. They believe that these meds were being abused far too much in this country by facilities caring for the elderly, which may have been the case and they worry about the effects that many of these drugs have on the elderly. Now, facilities have to report the percent of patients on these type of meds and if it's above a certain threshold the facilities lose ratings and thus it affects their funding. But the reporting is very black and white and it doesn't take into account individual cases. The only thing they care to know is the percentage of ppl using these meds and not why. The facilities claim that staff use other methods of diverting these behaviors, but the fact is that most nursing homes are so understaffed that one to one care is almost impossible. In this case I am not sure why the facility was so hard on you and making you responsible when clearly they should be doing all to try and find a solution either by properly evaluating your mother and carefully prescribing medications to help her. It's sad that so many families have to deal with these types of scenarios when they are already in so much stress from taking care of their loved one. Making ratings by letting humans suffer should not be a way for facilities to do business and our government should not be promoting it.
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MargaretMcKen Feb 28, 2024
Opiode prescription by GPs is being monitored here too. Our GP objects that it is stupid – his rural patient base is largely elderly people with chronic pain problems, quite unlike the average city suburban patient base of women with small children.
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Rockhardplace94: Your marriage is your priority.
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Rock, I agree with most everyone here except the person who said you’re a “mommy’s boy”. You’re someone who cares deeply about his family and wants the best for them. You’re an empath. A rare and admirable quality.

1.) mother needs a full psychiatric evaluation. She needs Meds. Even if she does become zombie-like. She has no quality of life the way she is

2.) the administrator who put you on notice should be fired. This is unprofessionalism at its worst. But, leave that for now…

3.) Your wife matters. Your own mental health matters and Your happiness matters. Speak with your doctor about your depression. Your mother is in a safe place, she may be giving people a hard time, but she’s safe. Turn off your phone.

4.) people adapt. Even people with dementia adapt. With the right meds your mother will have fewer outbursts and find ways to make herself feel better.

5.) Find out your legal rights so that no admin can threaten you or your mother again. Possibly have your lawyer put the LTC on notice so there is no more harassment.

Things will get better. I wish you all the best

NorasDaughter.
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I think you need to consult an elder care attorney asap, so that you may best understand how to respond to the SNF’s threats and the general lack of facilities available to your mother.

It seems utterly outrageous that they are demanding your in-person intervention multiple times per week when they are paid to care for your mother. That is their job?!

It does seem that your mom is being manipulative and when things are worked out with the staff, a schedule that works for you needs to be set and maintained.

My mom is in a SNF with mild dementia. I bought her this interactive stuffed cat that is popular with the dementia community. My mom likes it fine but the residents with worse dementia REALLY are fascinated by it. Its not inexpensive but might be worth a try: https://a.co/d/3G7aBBs

I know you’re in the thick of it. I’m praying for you. Please call a lawyer to sort out your options and make sure you’re prepared for whatever move they might make. Might also be useful to discuss other placement options (and how her diagnosis seems to be unfairly limiting her options - is the diagnosis even accurate??).

Keep putting one foot in front of the other.
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Kristen2037 Feb 27, 2024
Also yes to contacting ombudsman asap.
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No need to be 'sorry for my rant and stuff... " THIS is what we are here for - to support you.

My heart goes out to you. I understand the distance / grateful that the facility accepted her. Still - not an easy situation.

My immediate thought was to research volunteers or pay a person to visit (care provider) 2-3 times / week.

* Get her medication assessed / adjusted (to keep her calm). It can take a bit of doing to find the right mix of meds (I went through this with my client who was a tyrant - and yet THAT means she was scared, her brain was changing (in scary, uncontrollable ways to her ... and perhaps would be frightening to all of us), she is confused. All understandable.

- Your mom seems to need some socialization; a person who 'cares' --- holds her hand (if appropriate), smiles, looks her in the eye and talks to her calmly. She needs a hug.

- Get your anger and stress OUT before / other than pointing the finger at the staff / administration. Obviously, this approach is not working for you. Try the approach of "what do you recommend" "I need help." In other words, humble yourself and come across as WANTING TO work as a team to meet your mom's needs. Certainly there is a time to hold a facility accountable ... this isn't the time to be pointing fingers (this is your stress talking i.e., "I don't know what to do YOU fix it"). This doesn't work.

- The wife. Find quality time with your wife and listen to her. Don't 'use' that time for you to dump (?) express your dis-stress about your mom's situation. Once you listen to how your wife feels, she likely will want to support you. Again, humble yourself and ask her "how can WE be a team" in this situation?

* While your mom still has some memory / cognitive ability and fibs do not work, as you indicate ... tell her "we are working on it" - leave the situation open ended.
- Never ever argue with a person inflicted with dementia. (Or anyone emotionally / psychologically activated). Shift to a space of COMPASSION as she is scared. Realize this - in her head, this is a 'life and death' situation. When you shift to "I KNOW how you feel mom..." If you don't know something, say what I always say "That's a good question, I'll look into that." Then stop, change the subject, hold her hand, smile. Give her a hug. In other words, acknowledge her as she needs to be acknowledged (= heard = she is still an important human being).

From what I can tell, you need to set some boundaries and stop 'running' all the time. (Facetime, talking to her the entire time you are driving, etc). You need to find support so you can relax a bit - or a lot - so you have your mental facilities to humbly interact with all who want to support you (and your mom), i.e., your wife, the facility.

I'd recommend you arrange a couples massage for you and your wife.
Surprise her with this special 'our time' / quality time. She will appreciate it.
... and so will you.

Lastly, and equally important: Get a male doll (okay, a "Ken") and tell her that this is her baby... try to see how / if you can shift her feelings of wanting you / the attachment she has to you, her son, to a doll. This may or may not work. It could also be a puppy or kitten (some are animated to move, purr, etc). This may provide some comfort. You want to be open minded to try different things. First though, get volunteers or caregivers in there (to socialize) 2-3-4 x / week. They don't have to do anything or much (necessarily); just be with her. As well, if they can, they could bring music, art paper / pens, puzzles -- the key is to pay attention to her 100%.

Gena / Touch Matter
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Something is definitely wrong with a facility that doesn't understand that the care of the resident, once accepted, is their responsibility. If a son or daughter can be an adjunct to that, so much the better. For an administrator to emotionally blackmail you is outrageous. I would definitely report their conduct and contact an ombudsman; the contact information should be posted at the facility. I would also have a conversation with the social worker there.

If your mother's behavior, when you are not present, warrants them to bring in a psychiatrist to prescribe appropriate medications to better control her behavior, paranoia, and delusions, that it what they should be doing. Just because someone needs Medicaid is not reason for lesser care.

My husband is in a facility where his behavior got a little combative and his medications were changed resulting in better behavior. However, if he became an elopement risk and combative, they would have had to send him to a more secure facility, but the responsibility is on them not me. I am angered on your behalf that any facility would state that you are passing the buck. You and your mother are the clients or customers in this case. You are not there to serve them.

You and your relationship to your wife need to be your priority at this point. It cannot be said enough that caregivers need to take care of themselves first to be able to continue care for another.
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I am just thinking out loud here, but what if you were to make her a ward of the state? Get a social worker for the elderly and discuss the fact that you cannot quit your job and your life to care for her and the constant threat of eviction from your moms facility is causing you undue stress. Just meet with a social worker and present the situation. Where would she go? They may have some suggestions for you. Also, call her doctor and tell them what is happening and ask if there are strong meds that can help with her psychosis. If they are unwilling to help, they are the wrong doc for her situation. she needs a geriatric psych doc...

This is so hard and it is a struggle to remove the emotion from it all and take a step back to be able to see a way forward.

Keep this in mind...no matter what you do, your mom will still have dementia and will still need to be in a facility. Don't wreck your marriage and your health over it.
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Coming rather late to this unbelievable discussion.

Is Mom currently in the ER of a hospital? If so... under NO circumstances are you to let them discharge her to your care with the promise that they will work something out for you tomorrow. They won't and your wife will have a good reason to pack up and leave. In fact, I would communicate with the hospital social worker by phone only. If they put her in a cab and send her to your door, send her back to the hospital and/or call the police if she refuses to leave. I don't care if it's a snowstorm... do NOT let her into your home as the only way you will get her out is in a body bag!

What kind of facility was Mom in (the one with the lying, deplorable doctors) prior to the latest stint in the ER? Assisted Living or Long term care? If it was Assisted living, they are not (nor do they have the staffing) able to provide one on one care. Long term care may be able to provide it but only for a short term (with the staff shortage, they don't have enough staff either.. unfortunate but true). In both facilities, they are responsible for the safety of their staff and other residents. What I don't understand is the doctors who won't medicate her to protect their staff and residents!

Sounds like Mom needs to be evaluated in a psychiatric hospital which, in these day are few and far between unfortunately. If the hospital can place her be aware that they will place her in any facility within the state that will accept her so it may be further away. That's a good thing because you don't really need to be visiting quite so much regardless of where she is located. The woman that is driving you nuts and ranting and raving is not the Mother you knew growing up. She, regardless of medications, may never return so learn to cherish the memories you have her of from your childhood.

Rockandhardplace, I believe you said you are in the US. Can you tell us what state? I ask because some states Ombudsman and Dept of Health are more "on the job than others" and I would like to do a little research.

Has Mom been officially declared incompetent by a doctor? If so get that signed statement in writing! And stop paying for her care out of your funds. Is anyone PoA?

As much as you would like to, it is sometimes impossible to fix everything. You can't fix Mom and the grown man that you have become can't spend his days letting Mom read to him because it makes her feel good even if you were not married.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Please keep us updated.
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first of all, you wife is in the right . Your priority is her over your mom.

My question is what would NH do if you just visited once a week (or less, mabye less is more in this case) and let the chips fall where they may.

They cannot for you to take her They would have to deal with the state though I guess that depends on filial laws in your state although those are fuzzy too

My state is one of twenty where a child has no responsibility.
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Good Afternoon,

What about a Geriatric Neuro Psy doc. I, too, agree with others on the forum, a new medication perhaps to calm your mother to take the edge off.

These things do work but often take a little time to do their thing. I know it's hard when you have a job, a spouse and your mother whom you love. They can be like little kids. It's heart-breaking.

The two hour commute is no easy feat especially when you are working. Have you contacted a Social Worker. Was your father a Veteran during time of War? Are there smaller facilities in your area and can you get your mother on a waitlist?
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Rock, if your doctors repeat their refusals and their threats, ask for it in writing. You may need it to report them, as they will probably deny and say you have got it wrong. Asking for it in writing will shock their socks off.
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Rock, you have been given a lot of good advice here from those with experience. I hope you are able to take something from it. Those who have been through it understand and have good suggestions.
Doing the same thing over and over will get you the same results over and over.
I don't know your beliefs but will pray over you and your situation and that there is a better way than how things have been.
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Rockhardplace94 Feb 21, 2024
Thanks, as of right now even though it pains me I am not going to see my mother and let the social workers do what they need.

Allegedly the current plan is to send her back to where she was. The hospital has not given her any medication due to the one to one. I told the social worker without an adjustment we will be back here but they do not want to listen but I have refused to take her.

They tried to play I am her guardian and thus it is my legal responsibility to find placement.

I called a couple of elder care lawyers and have some consultations lined up for next week. To see what is what.

Wife is still upset because this is still taking up time, since I was unable to get time off of work. I will give her time.

The advice has been a great help and I am trying to apply it. Next step is to find new doctors for her.
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Rock - keep in mind there are different types of dementia, then different severities of dementia and then different personalities of the people who end up with dementia.
SO doing things "by the book" may not always work and one can't simplify it that way. Its too simplistic to say " talk to the person with dementia as if you are entering their reality", in my opinion. Yes sometimes that will work, sometimes will backfire, depending. I've found that out the hard way.

Somewhere I read that each elder with dementia is unique and different from others.....
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Rockhardplace94 Feb 21, 2024
True, no one size fits all apporch. I just know it was foolish of me to blindly follow what medical professionals were telling me. I just assumed that they would have what is practicable for my mother not what is ideally possible.

Part of which was my fault also since I did burn through a bunch of money following that advice moving her closer to us-across the street-paying aides out of my pocket.

I need doctors that live in reality. I should have known when I asked what they would recommend for placement they told me about places that are like 15k a month.
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Rock, thanks for your response. I understand how difficult this is, but what do her doctor's expect you to do? Ask them what their solution is. I think they are living in the theoretical world, not the real world. As far as APS, I doubt they would think you were negligent in any way.
Not to argue with you but just to jog your awareness- you say you are not a Momma's boy that you were raised to treat others how you would want to be treated but how are you treating your wife? Would you expect your kids to drop everything and rush to your side continually to babysit you? Her "freak outs" are toddler like tantrums? Maybe she keeps doing it because it works for her and gets her what she wants. I would stop rewarding the behavior by showing up all the time.
I hope the hospital and the doctors there can come up with something workable for your mother and this situation. I don't know anything about group homes but it seems there would be more opportunity for companionship for her there.
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Rockhardplace94 Feb 21, 2024
If the shoe was on the other foot with my wife I would understand if I had to take a backseat, and would do everything I could to help and make it easier. I get my view is slightly out the norm. I do not resent her for how feels, I am a firm believer you should not fault someone for how they feel of act if it is about perseving their own physical and mental health. I also know I cannot hold my wife to the same standard I hold myself. Everyone has different thresholds that is why I offered to take her along for the ride at least to see my mom so we could talk and stuff but I get it is not the same or what she wants.

As for kids if we do ever have kids, I hope I am in a position everything I have saved lasts and I die before it runs out.

According to the nurse my mom is doing well, they have her with a one to one in a shared room. The social worker did call me a few times telling me they going to be sending her back, but not sure how that is going to work if they refuse to take her.

It is a possibility she is doing it because it works but so much of this is guess work, and at the time I did not want to deal with the stress of finding placement, having my phone blow up, uncertainty of what will happen like I am going through now. It was easier dealing with a routine versus the uncertainty as to what is going down now.

Maybe been reading the wrong books but everything's seems to vouch for living in their reality and to not fight it which is what I was trying. Guess it was the wrong approach lol now I know this is rough also.

Iol was always sus about these people that promote this mindset because it assumes caregivers are Robots without emotion.
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What an awful situation to be in! I am so sorry.

It’s astonishing to me that they would threaten to throw her out and dump their job of caring for her onto you! They are failing at their job. You shouldn’t be responsible for visiting her. I wonder if they would give her meds if she didn’t have any children to visit her. What would they do to control her behavior if you weren’t able to visit her?

My godmother was in a facility with advanced Alzheimer’s disease and blind from macular degeneration. She was frightened and would lash out at the aides. She had two sons, one that she didn’t have any contact with and the other lived in another state. He only visited once a year. The nursing home never threatened to throw my godmother out. They medicated her.

I can’t imagine why your mom’s nursing home wouldn’t want to give her the proper meds to calm her down. My mother did very well with a combination of Seroquel and Ativan.

I read your response that your mom didn’t accept the idea of a baby doll. I’m sorry.

I’m also sorry that this situation is causing problems in your marriage.

Is it possible to get another doctor to review your mom’s case? Who have you spoken with at the nursing home?

When my mom was in a nursing home for rehab, there was a woman like your mom who was constantly asking for her son. She was quite delusional. She would ask others to help her find her car in the parking lot so she could go take care of her nine year old son. It was very sad. She thought that she was only 32 years old. The home would give her meds when she became overly upset.

I hope you can resolve this issue soon and resume your life with your wife.
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I think the reason the facility is threatening to put her out and calling YOU is because of your doctors not medicating her. Most memory care residents or facility residents with dementia issues or anxiety that cause behaviors that are difficult to deal with or causing the patients to be upset are prescribed medications that make them more manageable for the (unfortunately) limited number of staff available these days. If they can't have staff with her at all times, can't medicate her, and you can't provide extra caregivers for her, what more can they do? THAT is why they are calling you and dumping it back on you! Your mother is not their only resident.
Old age, multiple health issues, failing eyesight, failing hearing, painful arthritis, digestive issues etc... do not have effective treatments or cures after a certain point. Being kept from pain and anxiety are about all you can do for them, no matter how much you care. You did not cause her dementia and you cannot cure it. You are not a medical treatment. Sacrificing your own life, self, sanity and family are not the answer! I guarantee you these doctors aren't sitting with their loved ones 3 to 4 days a week to keep them from "freaking out" which you still have not defined. I would look for new docs who understand the needs of the demented elderly and their families.
You sound like a sensitive caring person but you need to DO SOMETHING! You are setting yourself up for a major mental/physical health issue which you possibly will be dealing with alone when your long-suffering wife decides she wants a man who makes her a priority instead of one who continually chooses his mother over her. Why do you worry more about your Mommy's needs than your wife's, or your own, for that matter? I hate to sound harsh but I think you sound like a long-time Momma's boy who has always been under her control and suggest you reach out to a cognitive behavioral therapist to learn how to set boundaries and where your priorities as a married man belong and I would do it ASAP. No shame in getting someone objective to help you look at and find solutions for what has become an unbearable situation.
It doesn't mean you abandon your mother. You have placed her in a facility that is meant to care for her 24/7 and you will still be keeping tabs on her and care about her, but just not as enmeshed with her episodes. Medicating her to prevent "freak outs" may be the kindest thing to do.
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Rockhardplace94 Feb 20, 2024
As I found out I cannot force her doctors to medicate her if they do not feel it is medically nesscary. When I brought this up with her doctors they told me they could not see her anymore and would be contacting APS since what I am requesting is essentially medicating her into a stupor since that is pretty much the only way to remove the reaction response with medication.

That is their right cannot fight it, unfortunately before I could find new doctors she had an outburst and was sent to the ED on Saturday where she has been since.

Will see how the hospital plays out, spoke with the social worker and doctors. Since they have no medical reason to keep her they want to discharge her. Told the social worker I cannot they were not pleased.

Thankfully she is doing well she is in a shared room with a one to one. Waiting to see what tomorrow brings.

Would not say I am a mommas boy, more so I was raised to treat others as I would want to be treated. I would not want to isolated from everyone. I am all my mother has left. Everyone else left, friends, family, hell even her church. The disease will eventually rob her of everything, just did not want to be another thing that takes from her.

As mentioned her freak outs are like a toddler having a tantrum.
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Pretend you have been in a car accident.

Pretend that you have had a heart attack.

Pretend that you have broken a hip.

REALLY. Pick one. Send an email. Pretend it is from your wife.

THEN, stay home and see what they do.

Simple.
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Your mother is in a facility. The facility is paid a lot of money to take care of her. They need to figure it out.

I also think you need to create some distance until your mother adjusts to her surroundings and routine. Your running there constantly doesn’t help your mother or your marriage.

If you love your wife put her needs first.

I had been an overlooked wife for many years. In the beginning I was a supportive wife but as the years dragged on my husband had essentially abandoned me to care for his mother and then his sister expecting I was a decent person and would understand. It festers after awhile. My husband’s wake up call was when I decided I’d had enough and told him I was filing for divorce. He finally realized the situation needed to change and thankfully for us it did.

if you don’t make some changes it is reasonable to predict this is where your situation will go.
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Rockhardplace94 Feb 20, 2024
You are right, it sucks because if the roles were reversed with my wife's family I would be more understanding.

I get it, it is not easy and do not blame or resent her feelings.

Creating distance has lead her to be to sent to the hospital, so figures crossed working with the hospital will yield better results.
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I would consult a lawyer or the state aging authority. I doubt they can discharge your mother unless SOMEONE agrees to take her. Guess who that would be. Your mother is being manipulative. That is not a bad thing; we all do it to get our way at times. However, her judgment is limited and her demands unreasonable. You need to give some serious thought to how much you can be available to your wife, your mother, and the institution she inhabits. Are any of these making more demands than you can meet and stay relatively sane? How long does the peace you achieve by giving in to your mother's demands last? If you are constantly dreading the other shoe falling, it is not peace, it is anxiety. Your situation is very difficult; it would be good if you could talk to someone without a personal or institutional agenda. Do you have a pastor, a therapist, etc. you could see a few times. I am not suggesting you are crazy, just that you need a neutral place to discuss the situation. Perhaps, you are your wife could meet with them for a peaceful, organized discussion. Good luck, life does hand us more than we feel we can handle at times. Usually, like the British said of themselves, we muddle through.
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Rock, you answered me below but, I don't want this buried.

You say they won't give her meds because her bad behavior is triggered, and meds don't stop feelings, you are being lied to with a 1st class snow job.

Yes, meds do stop you from feeling. I was placed on sertraline (splg?) Years ago for a pain management issue, my 21 year old nephew died unexpectedly and I couldn't feel anything, no tears, nothing, that's when I learned you can be a functional zombie.

You need a second opinion, because you are not getting good medical care for your mom and you need to make a decision about how you are going to change the situation. It is all up to you. Keep justifying the situation or find real solutions.
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Rockhardplace94 Feb 20, 2024
I did bring it up, they told me that they do not agree with such a treatment plan when she responds well to personal intervention. I told them I could not afford it and explained what happened on Valentines days they said they do not give patients medication to make their behaviors easier to handle and if that is what I wish then they can no longer see my mother as a patient and would be reporting me to APS. Fun times ahead.

For better or worse she had an outburst early Saturday and she has been in th3 hospital since. Her facility refuses to take her back even though she has no medical reason to stay in the hospital.

So will be working with the hospital going forward.
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Oh yes I have questions..
But sadly I don't know how to help you.
1. How long will your wife stick around? The hurt she feels being down the list to your Mother could be a deep cut that does not heal.
2. What has Mother's Doctor recommended? What can be done about the psychosis?
3. What does the Care Facility recommend?

I get that staff cannot do 1:1, that a hired pesonal care worker needs wages but what if there was no family? Or you were an archaeologist living in a dessert or a long haul truck driver?

All up, it is just not reasonable that you personally sit with your Mother as the 'cure'.

Does Mother sit in the day room? A room where other residents sit & staff supervise? Every care facility I have seen does this with the lonely/fearful/anxious residents. There is often a few sitting right with staff at the desk.
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Rockhardplace94 Feb 20, 2024
Their day was never open, and their idea of staff supervision was having them sit in wheelchairs outside their rooms.

As mentioned not the best but only place that would take her medicaid assessment.
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I’m questioning the medicos involved in this. We have had another poster in the last few days say that the ‘medical team’ says that M is ‘fine with one on one care’, so that’s what should be provided and they won’t medicate. ‘Triggered’ by something really means that M decides she wants something that isn’t provided immediately. So she has a meltdown until you turn up. Believe me, this isn't 'complex and nuanced'!

‘One on one’ care means at least 2 full shifts a day available, 7 days a week, and it is simply not affordable – whether in a facility or not. You need to make it clear that you are NOT available, and if necessary find a new doctor.
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Rockhardplace94 Feb 20, 2024
Way her doctors explained it to me if a non chemical intervention works that is what should be done. They do not agree with usinh medication to correct behaviors when they are technically not needed. Only reason they are needed is because people don't want to be inconvenienced.

In short they live in a bubble and don't care about the caregiver. I always knew this.
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You are getting pulled in so many directions that it feels like you are going to be split in half. No one wins if this continues, least of all you.

Thus will not last forever, but things must improve. You may only be able to rely on yourself to make things better.

Your mom may need some medication to soothe her when she grows agitated. Regardless, her care facility is being paid to provide care and handle things. You cannot live life wearing a shock collar. If they “kick her out” you will find another place. The next place might not threaten you. They shouldn’t have harassed you on Valentine’s Day.

This is your wife’s chance to shine as an understanding and supportive spouse. She may not choose to be that way. Her actions are up to her. But when she acts up, try not to “reward” her “bad” behavior because she might continue to “act up” to get your attention.

Do what you can to take care of yourself. Put yourself first. No one else seems to be putting you first so you have to. Find little rewards and treat yourself generously. True rewards don’t need to be financially costly. Mix it up. “I’m going for my Saturday morning hike and I will not have my phone for the next 4 hours” is completely acceptable. Time playing with pets, a simple workout and volunteering help me cope better. Going to a movie can free your mind.

Reach out and reconnect with old friends when you can. Don’t spend time complaining — use this time as a break from your life.

Wishing you the best.
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Southernwaver Feb 19, 2024
“This is your wife’s chance to shine as an understanding and supportive spouse. She may not choose to be that way. Her actions are up to her. But when she acts up, try not to “reward” her “bad” behavior because she might continue to “act up” to get your attention.”

His wife is not a dog.

She has every right to tell him how she feels, which is neglected.
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Rock, my heart goes out to you. You are a very loving child and you are trying your best to save your marriage and both of these situations are ripping you apart. The part that you wrote “I want to legit just not wake up” scares me. You are definitely under a lot of stress and you are suffering from burnout. It’s time for you to stop and assess your situation. YOU NEED HELP YOURSELF. Take a step back and consider your mental health and physical health. Stop worrying about your mother because she is in a facility where she will get the help and the care that she needs. Just limit your visits to see your mother and concentrate on your physical health and your mental health and trying to save your marriage.

Best wishes.
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JuliaH Feb 22, 2024
Thats definitely burn out! Put in a place of no return unless there's acceptance that we're only human and we can't be everything to everyone or anyone. I thought constantly that I was expendable, no husband or children, no life. I'm still grieving but allow myself to accept what I did was the best I could do. I wanted to die too! I lost my BFF and she called me her BFF. You can't please everyone and you can't please yourself. You're right Dupedwife, leaving this life doesn't help anyone and complicates everything . Death accomplishes nothing but grief. He needs help! Yes,back off! Get a grip and think about the circumstances of what could be.
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Try all you want, you are not going to "solve her behaviors." You will have your life and family destroyed by trying to be (or thinking you are) Mom's only solution.

What if something happens to you and you can't come running? You get sick, have an accident, or your wife gets sick? They think you should ignore your own family and still come running? The whole "triggers" concept sounds like pop psychology BS. She probably needs Atavan or some type of relaxant drug, and not YOU being the drug! These doctors sound like quacks, you need second opinions.

Find a doctor who will give her tranquilizers, probably daily. I'm not buying the "trigger" nonsense. Anything could be a "trigger." Sounds like they are gaslighting you.
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Southernwaver Feb 19, 2024
Yeah, next time they call, tell them you took an ambien and it’s unsafe for you to drive.
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I don't understand what this facility expects you to do. Quit your job? Leave your family? Spend every day at the facility doing THEIR job of dealing with your mother and her "triggers"? I realize she's on Medicaid and that limits the options. So, maybe there's not a Medicaid facility close to you--which may ultimately be part of the answer for you and your family. Maybe visiting monthly, quarterly or 2X/year would work out better for all concerned. If you refuse to respond, eventually, she would need to adjust to "being alone".

I also don't understand the doctors' reluctance to prescribe NECESSARY medication to keep her calm. I think I'd consider asking for a 2nd or even 3rd opinion from different doctors. Even if you have to pay for an independent assessment (if you can), it may be worth it. I'm 87 and hope that if I ever end up in anything remotely like your mother's situation, I'll be medicated to the extent necessary to keep me calm--even if some may consider that a "chemical straitjacket".
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Southernwaver Feb 19, 2024
Yeah, the doc is 100% a bullshit artist. The woman needs medicine.
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