Parent has been calling me names, like "witch" and other evil sounding labels.

I'm now responsible for cleaning and changing her diapers. It's becoming an ordeal because she just doesn't follow the same directions each time - it involves her turning onto her right side and then to her left side. I need her to do this so I can clean her, change bed pads and get her into a clean diaper - all at the same time.

She ends up cussing me out, sometimes trying to hit me, yelling "it hurts" (to turn), and then she finally ends up crying. I tell her time and time again, she needs to turn onto her left side (painful hip) quickly and it only involves less than 10 seconds, so I can pull the clean bed pad under her.

I'm starting to really dread going into her room. Tonite, she was sitting up in her bed calling me another evil name. She's scaring me. Later she said, "I'm supposed to be your Mother". I don't know what is expected of me, she needs to be changed every few hours, I'm doing what is necessary.

Yes, she has mild dementia (hasn't been graded yet).

Find Care & Housing
Name calling is not the problem. The real problem is mother is further along in her dementia than you realize. And it sounds like you’re killing yourself with the diaper changing. How much longer can you keep this up? Because it will not get better.

If anything, she has anxiety and a mild calming med can be a huge help. Ultimately though? You need to consider both of your futures. Start looking for hired help or and possibly long term placement.
Helpful Answer (19)
Reply to LoopyLoo

A couple of things I noticed.
Unless she has soiled with feces you shouldn't need to change her that often.
If she is able to sit herself up in bed she should be able to sit up outside of bed in a chair or wheelchair... why is she spending all her time in bed?
You are causing her pain and as a result she is lashing out in the only was she can, perhaps a consult with an occupational therapist could help you find a better way to perform this task and provide care in general.
A care home has the ability to get her out of bed, to offer her real baths, social time in a dining room and activities, and there are 3 shifts of workers to handle all her needs... when someone is completely bed bound at home a nursing home is sometimes the kinder option.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to cwillie

Your health is at risk. Please consider that fully. Your mother has more than mild dementia and her care needs are intense. She’s violent, abusive, and hard to physically and emotionally handle. That’s too much for any one person to sustainably keep up. Look into your options for more help, either in your home or elsewhere. It’s not your fault, I’m sorry you’re both in this position, and I hope you can find a new plan to make it better for you both
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to Daughterof1930

I'll grade your mother's dementia for you: too advanced for her to be living at home any longer.

There comes a time when a caregiver has to hold up the white flag of surrender and admit they can't do this anymore. Now is your time, it sounds like. Lest you be among the statistics to die before the elder you're caring for, God forbid.

Get out of the line of fire and get mom into long term care where she can get 24/7 care by teams of people working in shifts to accomplish what YOU are trying to do ALONE.

Don't let this kill you, okay?

Your life is just as important as mom's, so please don't forget that.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to lealonnie1

Might be time to accept the fact that she is beyond the "Mild" dementia arena. IMO she needs to be placed, no one should have to endure this abuse.

It is up to you, she is unable to stop, and this will get even worse.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to MeDolly
BurntCaregiver Nov 30, 2022
Amen to that, MeDolly.
This is advanced dementia, not mild. Her brain isn't working as it used to, and it never will again. This is beyond your area of expertise, and she needs to be where professionals can take care of her. It's no fault of yours that you aren't capable. The disease did this to her. The best thing you can do to help her is to find her someplace else to live. Start right away, and I'm sorry this is happening.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Fawnby

I think its time for Longterm care. If she can't afford it, there is Medicaid.

We also can't use COVID as an excuse anymore. Its here to stay like tge flu. So, time to go on with our lives. Yes, there is shortage of CNAs/aides but maybe you can find someone to come in a few hours a week to give you a break. Medicaid has an "in home" program.

Call her doctor and see if you can get some in home care. Someone who can teach you how to care for Mom to minimize her discomfort.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to JoAnn29

Have you considered long term care for your mom? That way she can keep some of her dignity by letting a health care worker deal with her incontinence and you can go back to being her daughter. It wouldn't hurt to have her evaluated again and start some dementia meds if she hasn't already.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Jamesj

I agree that she is probably farther along in her dementia than you think Or, she has an untreated UTI, which can cause behavior changes as the only symptom (and is not always caused by "hygiene").

Please go to YouTube and watch some Teepa Snow videos so you can learn better, more productive and peaceful ways to interact with LOs who have dementia. The name-calling: just ignore it and remind yourself it is the dementia talking.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Geaton777

She verbally abuses you and tries to assault you when she is supposed to mother (by her own standards).

I would have someone else help her to see if she would behave the same. I’d look into something for her hip pain and have her dementia evaluated … and (toddler parenting tip) walk out every time she acts up with “I’ll come back when you calm down.” Do not give in. Even once or the beastie will make a power play to control the interaction.

Otherwise AL might be a necessary solution.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Erikka

See All Answers
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter