Not sure where else to turn right now. I am in my 40's. My mom is in her 70's and my father in his 80's. I have had a lifetime of dealing with my father's mental problems...as far as I am concerned he is bipolar but he has always refused getting help for an actual diagnosis. He has been physically and verbally abusive to me. My mother and I have always had a good relationship but she seems to now be changing into someone cold and nasty. Today as I stood cooking for her after I had a bad day I endured sarcastic and nasty comments which left me wondering what I am even doing anymore. I always wanted to be there for her but getting to the point I don't think I can do it anymore. I know she could care less when something bothers me. She has made that clear. Yet somehow I always try to be there for her and, again, wondering why. Sometimes they both seem so pathetic that I feel I SHOULD do this or that but really resenting it now and don't know how to handle this situation.
You say you've always had a good relationship with your mother. Has your mother always cared less when something bothers you or is this new behavior? So sorry you are going through this.
it sounds like your mother doesn’t appreciate what you do.
i’m sending you hugs!!
i hope you find good ways forward.
it’s strange your mother has become cold and nasty. (with the exception of dementia/etc./medical things), people tend not to change. you said, normally you two have a very good relationship.
normally a non-grouchy person remains a non-grouchy person, not taking out their frustrations on others.
i hope you find good solutions!!! hug!!!
unfortunately, it seems to be incredibly common, that the caregiver (you) is the target of all their frustrations.
This will be hard because she is your mother but you need to set boundaries. At this part of her life, she needs u more than u need her. You are an adult, no longer a child. You have a right to expect respect. But to get that you need to set boundries. When either one gets started, you walk away. Leave the house no matter what your doing. (I hope ur not living with them) If cooking just turn everything off and leave. Telling them you will not be back if they don't start respecting you. Then stay away for a day or two. Let Mom do the calling. If u don't hear from Mom in that time, then call to see how she responds to you. If nasty, then tell her until she and Dad can be nice to you, you will not be helping them. If they need help, you can help find them the help at their expense. But u refuse to be their punching bag.
I love this word a fellow member used it once. Are you sure your not "disabling" them by doing things they can do for themselves. Dinner can be ordered in. Some nights DH and I just have a grilled cheese and chips.
You may want to ask yourself why you're still living with your folks at 40, especially since your father is physically and mentally abusive to you. You don't have an obligation to protect your mother, she chooses to stay married.....but you DO have an obligation to protect and respect yourself. You deserve to.
Good luck
You are under no obligation to subject yourself to a hostile environment.
You can suggest that they get the help they need if any direct help is needed.
You can suggest that they move to Assisted Living, Memory Care or Skilled Nursing what ever is appropriate for there level of needs.
If at anytime either one is admitted to the hospital if the other can not care for their spouse you say...They can not be discharged to home as there would not be adequate care and they would not be safe. Make it clear that you can not care for either or both on a full time basis.
Discuss with both that you are unable to care for them and that if they want to remain at home (any home) they need to hire caregivers that will care for them most of the time.
This is not reflective on you or your ability (or inability) to care for either it does reflect that you understand your limitations.
Taking care of your Mental Health is just as important as caring for their physical health.