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Your wife wants you to tell him on your own. You can’t change her mind, and she can’t change yours. On this issue you certainly are not a team. Marriages survive issues where the parties don’t agree on something.

On this site, there are many many posts telling women to stand up for themselves to their husband and refuse to accept MIL or FIL in their home. The same applies to you. You need to stand up for yourself to FIL and to your wife as well. You are fighting for your marriage and for your children’s home. You are not fighting with your wife by doing that. For whatever reason, your wife feels she can’t do this herself. It almost sounds as if she might even want you to take this particular load. Pack up his stuff and dump him in a hotel for a week, prepaid. The conversation is then where he goes next, not about whether he leaves your home. Just go for it!
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JStatus Oct 2018
The load I'll take is telling him to go, but she'll resent me for life. She wants to save face with her family to the expense of my kids and me. She tells me to tell him, but she doesnt mean it...at all.
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I agree that you and your children are the priority. Is there a way for him to get care outside of your home meaning is there any money for that or could he qualify for Medicaid? Could you and your wife get any counseling? Could he even have some time away from the house in an adult daycare situation ? I do hope you can all come to some agreement on your living situation. I think you need to research alternative situations with outside parties who cope with these matters. If you have medical insurance hopefully there is a plan for mental health provided. Maybe you should try to have your wife read this site to possibly understand how difficult this is and can be for many.
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JStatus Oct 2018
Thank you! The main issue is that my wife won't engage in any type of productive conversation. She believes that this situation only affects her and that 'I'll never understand what it's like. I'm really worried because he is going to run out of money and neither my wife nor him are thinking long term.
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I am so sorry for your situation. I can see why you are really upset, but I also know that divorce brings many many problems of its own. My own feeling is that you all need to know in advance that the chips are really down on this. Leaving will have a serious effect on your wife. If her view is still that you both are ‘in it for the long haul’ whether you like it or not, she is not really on the same page as you. She needs to know that she is making a big decision for herself, rather than disagreeing with you.

You and your wife are not the only ones in this. You should make it clear to the old turtle that he is very close to breaking up his daughter’s marriage. You need a very straight talk with him that he is not welcome by you in your house and you want him out. Your children are also involved. A divorce or separation will have major effects on them, and they should have a chance to put their point of view to you, your wife and to FIL. Confrontation is difficult, and you may feel as though it’s easier just to walk. Initially that may be true - many men walk straight into another relationship and that lovely honeymoon feeling. However divorce keeps hurting long after another honeymoon period has worn off.

Perhaps you aren’t able to have this conversation with your wife, because she isn’t hearing you. You could try marriage counselling, but my own experience wasn’t good. However you should have the conversation with FIL. Some people might disagree about the children, but I think as above, and I am sure that my children (now adults) would too. If you do leave, please try to make it a temporary trial separation, and avoid the lure of the new honeymoon. Been there, done that!
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JStatus Oct 2018
This is all excellent advice, but the problem is that my wife tells me that if I have a problem I need to tell him...on my own. That is not a good solution as I thought we were a team. I don't have plans of running to someone else, but if things don't change soon I'm not sure what I'll do. I'm a product of a broken home so I know the impact of divorce, but I also know the impact of a toxic home environment. If I leave, at least my kids will have a healthy home half of the time.
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