DH has had a sudden downturn in his dementia and physical capabilities. I can not do all the care for him anymore. He is a big guy and is rapidly becoming non mobile. Feel like I am abandoning him to strangers and scary places. I don't know how to do what's best foor both of us.
Some caregivers continue to care for their LO at home, knowing the “job” is more than they can handle. Despite realizing what effect caring for their LO has on their well being, they continue to try to properly provide that care. Feeling OBLIGATED to care for your husband at home can create resentment, guilt, anger and even hopelessness.
I, too, had to make the choice of placing my wife in MC. I, too, had to decide if it was the right thing to do. Like you, I asked myself, “was I abandoning her?”, “was I reneging on my vows?”. I felt our marriage was a promise I made (although I never actually made a promise) that I would care for her, not some stranger in an institution. But I came to the realization that I couldn't continue doing this. I decided that if I could find a caring facility, one that could manage her meds, ensure her safety, and know more about the disease that I did, that I WAS caring for her. Of course I didn't abandon her, I was there almost every day for several hours. I had lunch with her. I took naps with her (she in her bed, me in the recliner). Wicker, I think you'll find, like I did, that it will be a great relief not to worry about the 24/7 day to day care you have to provide at home. As lealonnie says, “there are TWO people here that require care & comfort”. You can provide the necessary care for him and, at the same time, take care of yourself.
Are you planning on dropping him at the front door and leaving town, lol? No, of course not.
Sadly, dementia has turned THE WORLD into a scary place for DH. A good memory care unit has folks with training in dementia care, stimulating activities and, because staff works for a shift and then leaves, more stamina and strength than one elderly wife.
Place him when he still has the capacity to adapt.
Don't think of it as 'abandoning' your husband to strangers and 'scary' places; a Memory Care AL is set up specifically to house him and help him with his deficits. The other residents will be strangers at first, but only until he gets to know them and then they'll quickly become friends or at least familiar with one another. He'll be fed, showered, medicated and all his activities will be taken care of by a staff of people working 24/7 vs. you trying to manage him alone.
When I worked in a Memory Care AL in 2019/2020, I got to meet a lot of wives who had placed their husband's into our facility for care. They'd come by frequently to have lunch or bring their DHs out for ice cream or for a walk around the grounds. You'd do the same thing; you're not deserting him, just placing him where HE will be cared for and comfortable & where you can live your life in peace & comfort as well.
My mother is 95 with advanced dementia, wheelchair bound & incontinent. She's lived in a Memory Care AL for nearly 3 years now & has gotten great care there by wonderful caregivers who love her, and vice versa. She's on hospice now which is a godsend because there's another level of care for her now, in addition to the regular team of people who see to her needs. I thank God every day that she's in such a good facility and that I can go visit her a couple times a week and make sure she has everything she needs.
Remember that there are TWO people here that require care & comfort, not just one. Oftentimes the only person everyone worries about is the elder afflicted with dementia. What about YOU? You need care & comfort too b/c your life is equally as important as DH's. Don't forget that.
Wishing you the best of luck moving forward, whatever you decide to do.