I am very worried about my my mom's resistance to moving to a facility, not just that she won't want to go, but that she will try to refuse to stay, even using violence with family and staff. She has mid-stage Alzheimer's but has anosognosia (no awareness that she is ill). When I tell her that I can no longer care for her by myself because it is too much for me (I've been her in-home caregiver for almost the past 5 years), she says "I don't need to be cared for, you are free to leave, I don't need you," etc., etc. She is extremely stubborn and aggressive, occasionally violent with me and my sister. I think it is also likely that she will cry a lot and go on about how we are just dumping her off, trying to get rid of her, which she has also accused us of when we have tried to have a discussion about her moving to a home. Does anyone have ideas on how to make a smooth transition? She will be going to a very small place where it will feel more like home, with beautiful, secure grounds where she will be free to walk around on her own. It is the best place we could find for her, but still, I am pretty sure the process, which we undertake next week, is going to be hell.
I would honestly help her get situated and then make myself scarce for a while, 1, 2, 3 weeks to let her get settled in. You can call and check on her progress or you could even do a blow by visit, had an appointment and got here early thought I would stop to give you a hug, tell you how much I love you and let you see my beautiful face. Then hit the road.
You can not make her understand, but you can protect you and let the professionals handle the transition.
I never thought leaving and not being there everyday was a good idea, until I saw that I was hindering his ability to make the facility his home. I was also burned out by 24/7/60 hospital and rehab stays, yet he wanted more and more because he knew or thought he could make me feel guilty. You are doing the best thing for your mom, whether she knows it in her broken brain or not. Give it time and be kind to yourself.
Having everyone in agreement was essential; we could always reach out to one another. Also important, we refused to second guess our decision, sad as it was. I think that attitude made things bearable. If you’ve vetted the care facility & shared your concerns with the administrator, it’s likely you’ve been told that your situation isn’t uncommon. There’s nothing shameful about your decision for it’s in your mother’s best interests. I had some hopes initially that our daddy would adjust and become comfortable, but this didn’t happen. The dementia was further gone than we’d realized. I don’t mean to sound negative, but we didn’t have any happy “reunions” with him, only visits that were hard on us. Nevertheless, we all stuck together and muddled through. We were all together at the care home for his last birthday (90). A life that ends in dementia is usually difficult for everyone. Trust your judgment, you know your mom & her situation better than anyone else. You need time to recover from being her caregiver, that’s NOT unreasonable.
I sincerely hope you can be at peace with your decision, even if it takes a while. During that time, don’t let guilt keep you from enjoying life. Remember that your life is as important as your mom’s.
i especially agree with your last sentence!
It took a lot of discussions, and a commitment on my part that it didn’t have to be permanent if she hated it, but she finally picked the AL she felt most comfortable in. It’s been nearly a year and she has settled in, made friends, and is joining in activities.
It helped that my siblings and their spouses all supported me and helped convince Mom it was the best solution. The most important thing was persistence on my part, and letting her made the decision as to which place she wanted to live in.