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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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You don't mention anything but arthritis as an issue for your mother, so why all the hurtful comments? Limit your contact with the woman, letting her know why, too......just as you wouldn't keep interacting with a cat that kept clawing you, you're not going to keep interacting with a mother who keeps hurting your feelings. If she wants to keep seeing you, she's got to play nice, plain and simple.
I love Freqflyer's recommendation. I wish I had read that before I wrote my littany below, ah, me.
I agree with AlvaDeer and would add to her list... When does she make these comments? Does she do it to everyone?
Some good responders may reply that if she snaps at you, you may want to check to see if something is making her uncomfortable, for example, UTI, hunger, is she wet or cold, is she afraid which may translate to anger, etc.
Another possibility to consider - Is this a method of communication she grew up with? If it is you will need to either get out of the line of fire, or re-train her.
To do this, if she's fairly reachable, relate to her calmly, using a combination of detachment plus a slight touch of motherliness and in a non-condescending way. Don't react.
If she trying to get a rise out of you, you can say - Wow mom you beat your last record I've only stepped into the room 6.2 minutes ago. Just joking. You can say - S*tan's back. Kidding again. You could really just say - Btw, I just joined the army and I wanted to give you a big sloppy kiss before I go. Yes, it's me again being silly.
Don't respond. Go out of the room. Leave the room calmly, with a smile, immediately after the nastiness is spoken. Play soothing music in another room, another room especially if she is watching TV. Do not fuel the grump.
You already know her schtick, so during your alone times review her littany of comments and prepare in you mind how you will manage her slings. Again, not knowing the circumstance and your mother's situation (or reason for the launch), telling you to simply respond with "Oh, that's not a not a nice thing to say" may trigger Armageddon, although tough ole me would and walk out and eat a fruit or crochet or something. (I don't crochet but I may begin if I were stuck). Read a book. I just picked up The New Earth. It's a little difficult for me but because it is the level of focus needed helps to shut out everything from my mind and emotions.
Or you can take another approach that works for me, most times, unless I'm super tired, which is to view their behavior, anyone's behavior, as funny or sad. I don't exhibit this thought on my face. Imagine your favorite actress or actor and mimic their vibe (Vibe, not their acting method), or feel the cool performance of any admired person until that characteristic becomes your own when you need it.
Sometimes I'm James Cagney and I strongly feel (imagine) - "Y'a know I can just take this grapefruit and mush it in your face". My eyes never speak this. Sometimes I'm genuinely full of milk and honey. Sometimes I think - H*ll I'm so glad I'm not you because if the shoe were on the other foot I know I'd be scr*wed because you couldn't do 1/10th a great a job for me as I'm doing for you, you pimple you. Mostly I have pity in my mind and heart but I'm a human being, and always a work in progress, hopefully a bigger-than-the-situation human being.
There are tons of misdirections we can give you unless you describe your situation better.
More information is needed. Does your Mom suffer from dementia? Are her comments a new thing, or is this "just Mom"? How old is Mom and how old are you? Do you live with Mom OR does Mom live with you? And please give one example of a hurtful comment Mom made to you "out of the blue". In general, if your Mom is not acting out of some disease or disorder process, and is simply "mean and hurtful" in general I would suggest you limit your visits to her accordingly. Hope you will return to give us a bit more information. My best to you.
You don’t put yourself in a position to listen to them. If you’re on the phone, say you’ll speak to her when she’s being nicer and hang up. If you’re visiting, say the same and leave. Every time
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
The situation really depends.
I was willing to put up with it, until extreme events occurred.
I'd firstly try and figure out why she's doing it?
In my case, it was a distorted reality of my mother. And it often occurred when her agitation had escalated - especially if she had been in hospital.
Writing what she says down on paper might help, then you can create a "counter-narrative" that seeks to disprove her hurtful words.
I agree with AlvaDeer and would add to her list...
When does she make these comments?
Does she do it to everyone?
Some good responders may reply that if she snaps at you, you may want to check to see if something is making her uncomfortable, for example, UTI, hunger, is she wet or cold, is she afraid which may translate to anger, etc.
Another possibility to consider - Is this a method of communication she grew up with? If it is you will need to either get out of the line of fire, or re-train her.
To do this, if she's fairly reachable, relate to her calmly, using a combination of detachment plus a slight touch of motherliness and in a non-condescending way. Don't react.
If she trying to get a rise out of you, you can say - Wow mom you beat your last record I've only stepped into the room 6.2 minutes ago. Just joking. You can say - S*tan's back. Kidding again. You could really just say - Btw, I just joined the army and I wanted to give you a big sloppy kiss before I go. Yes, it's me again being silly.
Don't respond. Go out of the room. Leave the room calmly, with a smile, immediately after the nastiness is spoken. Play soothing music in another room, another room especially if she is watching TV. Do not fuel the grump.
You already know her schtick, so during your alone times review her littany of comments and prepare in you mind how you will manage her slings. Again, not knowing the circumstance and your mother's situation (or reason for the launch), telling you to simply respond with "Oh, that's not a not a nice thing to say" may trigger Armageddon, although tough ole me would and walk out and eat a fruit or crochet or something. (I don't crochet but I may begin if I were stuck). Read a book. I just picked up The New Earth. It's a little difficult for me but because it is the level of focus needed helps to shut out everything from my mind and emotions.
Or you can take another approach that works for me, most times, unless I'm super tired, which is to view their behavior, anyone's behavior, as funny or sad. I don't exhibit this thought on my face. Imagine your favorite actress or actor and mimic their vibe (Vibe, not their acting method), or feel the cool performance of any admired person until that characteristic becomes your own when you need it.
Sometimes I'm James Cagney and I strongly feel (imagine) - "Y'a know I can just take this grapefruit and mush it in your face". My eyes never speak this. Sometimes I'm genuinely full of milk and honey. Sometimes I think - H*ll I'm so glad I'm not you because if the shoe were on the other foot I know I'd be scr*wed because you couldn't do 1/10th a great a job for me as I'm doing for you, you pimple you. Mostly I have pity in my mind and heart but I'm a human being, and always a work in progress, hopefully a bigger-than-the-situation human being.
There are tons of misdirections we can give you unless you describe your situation better.
Help us help you.
Does your Mom suffer from dementia?
Are her comments a new thing, or is this "just Mom"?
How old is Mom and how old are you?
Do you live with Mom OR does Mom live with you?
And please give one example of a hurtful comment Mom made to you "out of the blue".
In general, if your Mom is not acting out of some disease or disorder process, and is simply "mean and hurtful" in general I would suggest you limit your visits to her accordingly.
Hope you will return to give us a bit more information. My best to you.