My husband has had 4 major spinal operations in the last 3 years and has been disabled now for 1 year, and I am now his carer. He is 40 and I am 39, we have been happily married for 20 years and have always enjoyed a very active sex life. He now has no desire for sex and it has been over a year since we last had sex but I am really struggling to cope without it, especially the intimacy and closeness it brings. I still love him dearly and find him attractive but he has no desire for me whatsoever, although it hurts, I totally understand his situation, but I wondered if anyone out there is in a similar situation, and if so I would appreciate any advice on how to cope?
Ellemorris6, your hubby has no choice. I guess he could stop the pain meds to get his desire back, but would you really want him to do that? You need to put yourself in his shoes. He's the one going through 4 spinal surgeries in 4 years, he's the one in physical pain, he's the one taking the meds for this pain, he's the that is trying to please you even though he has zero desire [not his fault] trying ED pills which can create other illnesses, he's the one that is feeling he is letting you down. He's the victim here.
I would drop the subject entirely, and find other things that are of interest to the both of you, stuff that will make you both laugh. He needs to feel you will continue to be there for him. He could be so stressed out from this that he needs more pain meds to deal with it.
If he's happy with the way things are, it sounds like it could be low libido or even depression, in which case there are ways that doctors can help. If he won't discuss it, can you see if he'll let you talk to his doctor about it?
His issue could be caused by a myriad of issues (depression/fear/physical inability, etc.) so you have to start figuring out where the issues lie. Does he know you still find him desirable? Does he believe that? Would he seek counseling with you?
I've seen people who are paralyzed and in a wheelchair say they have an active sex life and they sometimes even father children, so I would assume there is hope. I wish you the best. There has to be some available options. You are both so young.