My loved one has been in Assisted Living for 8 months. She does ask once in a while if she can afford to live there, to which I answer yes. Now she says that soon she wants to go over how much it has cost her to live there. She also wants to see her longterm investment paperwork. It took me a long time to put all of the ducks in a row re: her finances. I don't want to show her what is happening now. The cost of the ALF is much more than she thinks it is. Also, I think she wants to see how much money she has, because she wants to buy a car (thankfully I got that out of her life at the same time she started living in the ALF). I am keeping very careful records about the spending I am doing from her accounts toward her care. I don't want her to obsess about not being able to see her finances - in a similar vein, she asked me to bring some fairly valuable jewelry to her, and when I wouldn't, she obsessed about it for months. I need to figure out a way to avoid showing her her finances without it becoming a big deal. She is a very stubborn person.
Can you show her a summary?
Could you show her her investment portfolio?
Then, when she says oh goodee that'll get me a Bugatti and a couple of Daimlers you can hand her What Car and Classic Car and Formula One Today and tell her this needs careful research, it's not an impulse buy.
I sympathise with your anxieties. I certainly wouldn't show her the ALF statements without carefully matching them to gains in her investments. But... you do have an obligation here, as you recognise. It's her money she wants to know about, her jewellery she wants to see - you couldn't let her stroke it and then return it lickety-spit to safekeeping? - and most of all her habit to be orderly, and these are things you should try to assist as far as possible.
Keep a solemn face and give her genuinely as much data as you think she can handle. Bit of luck she'll get tired and be glad to give it up.
My mom went to AL 3 months ago. She has some dementia and has asked, "Now, am I paying to live here?" The first time she asked how much, and I told her the truth, I thought she was going to insist on going back to her condo.
The next time she asked, I lied, and reduced the cost significantly. She still thinks it's a lot and asks if she still has money to cover everything (she does). I have not forwarded her mail because 1.) she can't do anything with it anyway and 2.) I don't want her bank statements lying around. I trust the employees, but you just never know.
With dementia, I think little lies can be overlooked. It's makes everything less stressful for everyone, and that's the whole purpose of AL.
Can you say, "Oh, I forgot them at home. I'll try to remember next time"? Then can you "forget" each time?
I recommend fibbing as much as you can get away with. I keep assuring them that the house is fine, I’m taking care of it (meeting with a realtor this week) and they have plenty of savings. (Enough for maybe 3 to 4 years at this place)
I also tell them their pensions, soc sec and insurance cover the cost of AL. (Actually, less than half). This is working for me so far.
Dad does have periods of agitation, tries to find his car and go get his money I took from him, but the staff redirects him and 5 minutes later....Never happened.
Would she recognize the date if you showed her an old statement?
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