How do I protect myself from being harmed?
Dementia runs in my maternal side of the family. I helped with my grandfather (who raised me) with his dementia and took care of other family members for various other disabilities. I remember my grandfather's brother was so bad, he took a heavy glass ashtray and attempted to hit his wife in the head with it. She turned around just in time to get out of the way. One of my mother's sisters was the complete opposite; She was gentle as a lamb. I'm really scared that my mother is becoming more of the dangerous tilt. When I am at my computer working, I can here her come up to the doorway and watch me. When I turn around, she moves back. She was rarely a nice person to me and I fear she may try something when I'm not on high alert at night in my office. I have blocked the doorway so she cannot get into the room but it's also blocking my way out. I am seriously thinking of putting a mirror facing the doorway so I can glance over to see if she is there or on her way back or going forth to the bathroom. I would appreciate any other suggestions that may be viable. As far as putting her in a nursing home, she receives too much money for medicaid. I have tried to get an appointment with an elder care lawyer, but I keep missing him and can't get an appointment unless I talk with him first. No one returns my calls and you can't go into the office (because of covid) to make a face-to-face conversation.
This is how Medicaid works.
1) Your mother gets placed in a care facility.
2) The care facility takes her monthly income from day one of her being placed in care.
3) Whatever assets she has in her name (real estate, bank accounts, insurance policies, vehicles, etc...) that were not made Medicaid-exempt will have to be liquidated into cash and 'spent-down' on her monthly care bill.
4) After her assets have all been depleted, she gets put on Medicaid which then pays the remainder of the monthly balance her monthly income does not cover.
So, no one receives too much money to be on Medicaid if they cannot afford to pay 10, 15, 20 thousand dollars a month or more in cash indefinitely to whatever care facility they're placed in.
Next, I was a caregiver for 25 years to more elders with dementia than I can count. DO NOT allow your mother to form a 'shadowing' habit where she has to be right with you every second. Put in some cameras in the house, and lock the door when you are working in your office. Or get a home/health aide to babysit her while you are working or if you need time away for respite. There is also the option of medicating her if needs be.
If you have to and only as a last resort, You can bring her to a hospital ER and ask for a 'Social Admit' (known by its more popular slang term the 'ER Dump'). Be sure to use the term 'Social Admit' with these people. A 'Social Admit' is when a person brings someone who they cannot care for anymore to the ER and tells them they cannot and will not take care of them anymore. A social worker will come down and talk to you, then you talk.
Then you tell them that your mother is violent, then the family history of violent dementia, and that you absolutely and emphatically REFUSE to allow her back into your home. I know this sounds harsh, but this is how you cut through the red tape ad get her placed.
The hospital people will make all kinds of promises about all kinds of resources and support being available to you if you'll take her home. They are lying. Don't back down in your refusal to take her back.
Do not surrender any POA if you have it though. The hospital will admit her and keep her until they find a bed in an available memory care facility. Then you can work with that. Once she's placed you can look at other care facilities that you may like better and move her. Or get her on waiting lists.
You're in a tough spot, but not impossible.
COVID? This lawyer is still going by COVID mandates? Seems weird.
Social Security strongly encourages doing a lot of business online and not going to the office
She's just needing the reassurance that you are there.
You haven't given us any examples of her trying to harm you so why do you think she may? Or is it just you that is paranoid because of your uncle?
No 2 people with dementia will be the same, so to to try and guess who in your family will be violent with it and who won't is futile.
And any office that is still using Covid as an excuse for not allowing people in, is just down right ridiculous. Surely you have more than one elder law attorney in your area, so find one that isn't so ridiculous, as I wouldn't want one that is still using Covid as an excuse anyway.
And if your mom has too much money for Medicaid she should be using it for her care anyway, so it might be best to get her placed and when she runs out of money the facility will help you apply for Medicaid for her.
If you fear for your life? This is no way to live and your health will deterorat also, because of the constant stress your living under.
There has to be another answer than her living with you. There is always a way. Does your mom own a house , that can be sold?
This kind of stress your dealing with daily can lead you to have PTSD.
Have you considered meds for your mom. I'm not up to date on that but I would definitely talk to her doctor.
Best of luck to you
If she doesn't have a PoA maybe consider contacting your county's social services to discuss court-appointed guardianship. Then all her affairs will be managed and needs met by the state.
Is this new behaviour?