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Lots of good advice here. I think you already know that you owe your father nothing, but your emotions are giving you a fight. Let me share something with you.

My 1st husband, the bio-dad of my 2 sons was a manipulative and selfish man. When the courts awarded me full custody he formally and legally dis-inherited the boys then aged 12. My 2nd husband loved my sons and taught them what it really means to be a man and became their true father. Throughout their teens I made sure that my sons sent their bio-dad a Christmas card and a birthday card, followed by a short phone call each year in a token acknowledgement of the biological connection. (I didn't want them to feel a false guilt or blame me for alienation.) I maintained a PO Box for them for any letters or cards that their father might choose to send them. For a period of about 10 years they received about 3 or 4 cards each. That was the "relationship."

When their bio-dad reached retirement age he started asking them for money. My boys did well for themselves and were earning decent money as computer programmers, but they also were establishing themselves, buying homes, etc. They asked me what they should do about their bio-dad's requests for money. I told them, "add up all the money your father gave you for college and all the money he sent you for special needs beyond the child support he owed you. Double it. Send him that much money every month." Dead silence for a minute. "But Mom, he never sent any money. He never even paid all the child support. You and [2nd husband] did all of that." I replied, "There is your answer. When you had needs he ignored you. Now he is claiming to have needs. Whether or not he does have real needs, all you need to do is follow his example." That was over 20 years ago. They have maintained a contact of sorts, but they have never sent the bio-dad a dime. Bio-dad continues to live in the house he owns and hires a companion to care for him. Best of all, they have come to feel absolutely no guilt or remorse about anything regarding him. On the other hand, my 2nd husband and I have a warm, caring relationship with our sons and the four of us share many things, including gifts that go both ways.

A compassionate, caring human being will feel an emotional response to a person who is called a parent even if that person was never truly a parent and never nourished or cared. Follow your mind, not your emotions. Sooth your emotions by caring for those who return caring with caring. You will be fine because you are a good person. It is not your fault that your father was/is no father or that your mother was/is no mother. Care for those who care for you and spare no emotion on the ones who failed you. It does not matter what he does or does not remember, what matters is what you know to be true. Follow your mind, your emotions will adjust. Do not let the man who made your childhood miserable also make your senior years miserable. Just take care of yourself and those who truly care for you.
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AS LIL ORCHID SAID:

Do not let the man who made your childhood miserable also make your senior years miserable. Just take care of yourself and those who truly care for you.

It's not easy... but focus on YOUR FAMILY...and those who truly CARE
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I would change my phone number and cut off contact.

Have you been in therapy? If not, I highly recommend it to reinforce the need to set boundaries with your abuser, who conveniently forgets now that he needs you.

Please tell me what culture approves of sexual contact between father and daughter.
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cwillie Oct 2020
FYI - this thread is from back in August, I'm not sure how it got resurrected
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My dad never paid any attention to us after he left our mother when I was about 12. He was cruel and abusive. Despite this, there were times when I tried to resurrect a relationship with him when I was a teenager, and later as a married woman with three children. Didn't work. He of course had not changed. I decided I'd had enough, he was not worth my time and effort, and I surely did not want to subject my own children to his antics. He died many years ago, and I never lifted a finger to help him when he was sick. I don't feel guilty about it. Actions, behaviors, attitudes, all have consequences, and often last a lifetime. Let your dad stew in h*ll. He earned it.
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I do have to write something that a previous poster replied to cetude. Some elders get impacted from stools and it is very painful. My elderly aunt suffered from that and had to go to the ER and it was pretty bad. I told the doctor she should not be living alone at 90 years old with health issues and memory loss. Her son and daughter in law were helping her a few hours a day, but obviously did not address her bowels. She came to our house with her daughter for Christmas one year and was in excruciating pain. I took her to the ER right away. She was in agony and I was so upset. The ER nurse disimpacted her and it took a few hours to loosen the stool and finally got relief. She was very constipated and stools hard a s a rock. She had soap suds enemas as well . Terrible to go through something like that. I told her daughter she should be in a nursing home as well as the doctor. She was placed not too long after the ER visit. I would not want to give that kind of treatment to my mom, but I would not hesitate to take her to the ER if she was in pain and I would absolutely give the ok for disimpaction if it came to that. I would dislike hearing someone criticize me for trying to relieve my dear mothers pain if she was in my aunts position. Terrible to witness. In my opinion making comments to cetude about her mother was cruel. I read many of her posts about the care of her mother and she appeared to be genuinely concerned for her well being. I do not think cetrude was appropriate with her wording on the subject matter concerning Conflicted. I wish she was more empathetic and less critical of her, but bashing the care she gave her mother was inappropriate to say the least.
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