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He does not remember being cruel and abusive because in his twisted mind what he did was neither. You do however remember and understand the degree to which his abuse has affected you and your family, so why would you even answer his phone calls? If you feel any obligations to him at all having had him placed in a memory care where his needs are met has more then met them.
(I sometimes remind people that not every senior is a sweet little old man/lady, the users and abusers and truly evil people grow old too)
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Conflicted, I am so sorry for what you and your siblings went through with your horrible father. I would go NO CONTACT with him. You don’t owe him ANYTHING!!! Please talk to a therapist about it and don’t spend one more minute thinking about him. He is nothing more than a sperm donor. Go NO CONTACT!!!! I am so glad you turned your life around and you should be proud of all your accomplishments!! I know we on aging care are all very proud of you!!
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I very strongly believe that a person who was abised should never have to provide any level of care to their abuser. Period.

Not from a distance, definitely not hands on.
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I’m so sorry for what your mentally sick father put you through and I hope you’ve received professional help in dealing with the trauma of it. Whatever you choose in terms of relationship with him now is strictly your choice, there is certainly no obligation, he gave up any rights as a father the second he was abusive. Congratulations to you on finding your way out of the rotten environment you were raised in and living an accomplished adult life. Please seek therapy anytime you need it and know that your father has no hold over you. I wish you the best
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MargaretMcKen Aug 2020
Mental illness is defined by psychiatry, and there is a real need for better understanding it. Incest with one’s daughters is NOT a mental illness, nor is aiding and abetting it by ignoring it and covering it up. Both are criminal offences. Mental illness is an explanation that suggests sympathy and help is needed. Please don’t use the term in this situation.
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Conflicted, this is more than a forum such as this can help you with.
In all these years have you sought professional help?
I would like you to consider taking issues such as this to someone who is professionally trained and knowledgable, and can help you toward healing. You are now 65; these issues are lifelong. We can give you our sympathy, and I know there isn't one of us here who doesn't. But we can't guide you in things that pertain to the kind of abuse you sustained.
Congratulations on your career as a nurse. I spent my career as one as well. Like you it took me a while. My loving parents could not help me financially, so I did it on my own, working up from aid to LVN to RN. I loved the career. I am so thankful you had it as well. We knew we helped people. We were lucky in that.
For myself, the relationship you choose now to have with your father is up to you, and up to what serves you best. There IS no reconciling what your father did to you. Just because he is now aged and weak and without a memory doesn't mean that it didn't happen, that he wasn't what he was. I would not have had any relationship with him lifelong, myself, I don't believe. But of course that's so easy for someone who has utterly no experience of it to SAY. I sincerely doubt if you will ever come to any understanding, and apology, any anything with an ill old man in denial undoubtedly all his life about what he has done.
I would like to tell you to spend as little time thinking and worrying about this severely ill and limited creature; but you ARE worrying about it. Please seek help that can guide you, because I haven't a clue what to tell you except that I am appalled for what you had to go through, and couldn't be sorrier.
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