How do I respond to my brother's hurtful questions?
My mom has been in an AL with private care givers for 8 months. Her cost of care is 140k a year. She’s 80, 100% cognitive but an extreme fall risk. Been hospitalized/rehab twice before I hired private caregivers. Between her savings and monthly property incomes she has enough for about 10 yrs. After that we can sell one of her rental properties which would give her another 8 yrs. She will never need to sell everything unless she lives to 150! I’m her only daughter and her POA. My 2 brothers seem heartless and only focus on the money. HER money btw. One has asked me several times in heated debates over her cost of care, “how much longer do you think she’s going to live?” I break out in tears with this question. I don’t know how to handle this question and it makes me so confused and depressed. How can her son feel this way? Fyi fantastic mom who sacrificed a lot for her children.
If you can ignore him, I’d strongly suggest that. Also in my case when I spend mom’s money on mom’s care, I remind myself that this is money that my greedy sibling will never get. This line of thinking gives me some devious joy I admit. Every steep medical bill I pay down with mom’s own money, I think, “ha HA! “
Vigorous exercise helps a ton too or I’d blow a gasket I swear.
Sending you good thoughts!
Just say that it's inappropriate to speculate on your mother's potential longevity, and that your brothers should be like and consider how they can be of help and support now, so that they don't feel guilty being so inconsiderate and self absorbed.
You could also ask what they have to offer in anticipation of the windfall they're apparently expecting, i.e., you could use help with....house cleaning, lawn management, something they can easily do. .
Then hang up if this is a phone call, leave the room if it's an in person discussion, or whatever, but terminate the conversation and don't give them a chance to respond. It may not work, but it should at least shame them.
BTW, those with their eyes on inheritance often are sneaky, and might be documenting you to challenge you later. So do that: document (privately) what you do, and are spending. It wouldn't surprise me if the brothers demanded to know how you're managing your mother's funds.
Crystals, you are her POA, so stop telling anyone about your Mom's finances, keeping them private.
Do not participate at all in any discussions with your brother about Mom's private affairs.
Maybe that will help you.
Or - reply with a question - how long would you like to see her live?
We saw what fighting could do. Our uncle was horrible to our grandmother. She wanted to visit with him in her later years, but could not be on her own. She planned a very long trip with help from my mother to visit her son half a world a way and stay with him and his family. Shortly before he said she’d have to stay in an apartment down the street because his wife did not want her staying in the house at night. The trip was canceled. The next time he was divorced, and she was going to stay with him in his apartment. She had the beginnings of dementia and couldn’t be by herself. The day before she was to leave, he informed everyone that she’d have to be in her own place. The end result was that she disinherited him. He didn’t visit her where she lived, didn’t write, didn’t call, just disappeared. He received $1 & was furious. my grandmother made sure to have her mental state evaluated by 3 doctors at the time to ensure the her will would withstand any difficulty and my mother refused to be the executor- my father was, so she wouldn’t be in the middle of things. He thought he had been tricked because of inheritance laws in Switzerland being different from the US. It was complicated. He did everything to make my mother unhappy as well. It gave him pleasure to turn people against each other-just a very unhappy man.
When our mother passed, my sisters and I were devastated. We still miss her years later. I remember her at the point of deciding to either move into independent living or an apartment unaffiliated with independent living or moving in with one of my sisters. I knew she did not want to move in with any of my sisters. My family had lived with her for the previous 14 and it had an expiration date - arranged at the very beginning. She was unhappy it ended initially, but then said it was the best thing - which I agree was, because the house we ere in was too big, too much, too far from services and selling gave both of us a chance to move on to something better.
I knew she didn’t want the apartment, because of an example of one of her friends mother who moved to an apartment and then her friends stopped visiting because it was too difficult to walk up stairs. My sisters were very much for the apartment. I asked her what do you want? Have you thought about it? If independent living is what you want, then do that. It sounds like a fine idea to me - companionship when you want with activities, and your own place where you can entertain as you please and continue your business (she was still working part-time). It was perfect for her. My sisters came around.
Your mother knows who is the responsible person, and that is you. It doesn’t matter if you have a snappy retort to your brother. I hope your mother lives a very long time with good mental acuity and enjoys the pleasure of your company and assistance. When asked how long she will live by your brother, the answer is forever.
The next time one of your brothers asks how long your mother is going to live, tell him to ask God because you're not the one who makes that decision.
Your mom may be an extreme fall risk as you say, but she doesn't have dementia so she can enjoy a very active social life if she wants to.
If she uses a wheelchair and also has private caregivers, encourage them and her to start going places if they don't already do this. Shopping, out for lunches, to a casino or bingo if your mom likes that sort of this. Mom ought to start spending her money then see how fast your brother shuts up.
Thank heavens that your Mom knew who here should be the POA. Remember, you as POA owe nothing to the others, not an explanation of any kind. This is your job; you were the one appointed to act in your parent's best interest and you are clear (thank goodness) in your mind that you are doing the right thing.
You are going to need, when you are strong and able and clear in your own mind enough to do it, to sit down the rest of the family and let them know how they are allowed to speak to you if they wish any contact whatsoever.
I am thankful for your Mom that she has the assets to care for herself. I hope you are also her executor. I am thankful you are clear in your mind and we aren't hearing the litanies of "uncertainty" and "guilt" as they are inappropriate for certain.
I was POA and Trustee for my brother's trust. He lived his life as a waiter. He was so proud of how he saved all his life, coupon clipper that he was, and I was so proud to report to him that he could not conceivably outlive what he had saved (and he didn't) and I could ensure he got the best care there was (he did).
So you carry on. And I think it will take no more than a few visits with a therapist (I suggest Licensed Social Worker trained in life transitions therapy) to reassure you that standing up to your brothers will bring you the peace you need and that you so richly DESERVE.
My best to you.
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