I'm forever grateful for anyone that takes the time to read this and has any advice or opinion on my situation. I’m happy for finding this website that seems to have many knowledgeable and supportive people who have been through similar experiences or offer advice to help others heal, and endure through hardships with family members.
My story is long, but I will try to get to the point quickly. My father passed away 2 years ago from a vicious battle with ALS (Lou Gehrig’s Disease). It’s been devastatingly hard to keep moving forward. Since the beginning of his first fall, to the day were he laid paralyzed from head to toe, I was present with my 7 and 12 year old daughters; helping out my mother as a caretaker, changing his diapers, feeding him, etc. Any few spare minutes I had, I would attend to my daughters while choking on tears. I worked 40 + hour/week and had to manage to take him to numerous doctors and therapy appointments. My mother knowing limited English, also worked, however wouldn’t go to any of his appointments saying she had to stay home and cook, or clean.
Since my fathers passing, my family (2 daughters and husband) have been staying and sleeping over my mothers house for 3 weeks, then going back to our house for a week to take care of needed things and then back to her house for 3 weeks again. This was to help out with chores, cutting grass, making certain needed phone calls and keeping her company. For the last 3 years we have been back and forth. My mother is 62, very healthy and works 40 hours/week. She doesn’t have any friends nor any family down here, so basically (my father) and I are her family. She hasn’t spoken to her mother for over 30 years (reason is unknown) and just recently started to begin reaching out and talking to her. I have came back to my house this past month and found ants all over and felt the house needed some upkeep, since we haven’t really lived in it for almost 3 years. I haven't gone back to my mothers house in 3 weeks and have been staying in my own home cleaning and thinking of getting my life in order.
I have been feeling depressed and so I haven’t reached out to my mother only through a short text, once a week. My mother will never call me, she will wait until I call her, and whenever I have asked her why she never calls me, she will respond she has nothing to say. She has always been like that. Yesterday, my mother sent me a message that reads:
Do you remember me? I’m your mother, who carried you for 9 months! The woman who gained 20 pounds because of you, and who underwent a painful birthing process to bring you into this world. The woman who did not sleep many nights, and raised you; until you met you’re own husband! Do you know who I am? Do you remember me? Why aren’t you calling your mother, at least once in a while!? Is it that hard to do?
I feel somewhat at a loss of words and I don’t know what to reply… I’m shocked at the message from her because I have always been there 150% every day and hour. She is a closed in person, who hides her feelings and I’m sure she is feeling down and angry about everything, but I never received anything like this from her.
I have a brother who is younger than me and has never been around or helped out with anything. He left the house at 18 years old and fast forward 20 + years and he just recently started calling my mom. A while back I asked her; why don’t you ask him, why he has never reached out to you through all the hardships. Why didn’t he ever sent you a “Happy Mother’s” message? Her response was, maybe he changed and anyhow sons are different from daughters with their moms. I beg to differ but remained quiet. I’m hurt by this and feel it’s somewhat hypocritical. I feel lost in my life, I miss my father and I put on a smile everyday for my kids, and my own mother. I’m just looking for some advice on how to respond. My husband said to ignore it; act like she never sent it and my heart tells me otherwise. Please help.
Cultural thing or not, your mother has no right to lay a guilt trip of THIS magnitude on you after all you've done. She has very, very poor communication skills so she's pulling this passive/aggressive trick out to shame you into compliance. Let her know it won't work. Sorry mom, I love you but I love MYSELF and my family, too, who I've neglected in my quest to help you all this time. That's the message you need to convey to her, in any way you see fit. She'll be angry, oh well. Set down the boundaries YOU want with her and let her know the terms. She CAN indeed join clubs or groups if she wants to; she's just decided not to b/c she's chosen you to be her entertainment committee. Once you quit that job, she will have no other choice but to find her socialization elsewhere.
I am 64 years old next week and I would NEVER treat my children this way. It's wrong on every single level to guilt one's children into compliance with a mother's wishes. "Forgiving" your mother will only encourage her to keep playing the guilt card with you to get her way. Strong-arming you into her way or the highway. Toughen up now and lay down the boundaries; it's okay to forgive her THEN, once she knows the new rules and understands them. Otherwise, she wins and you lose.
You can love someone and still be unwilling to be held emotionally hostage by them. It's called respect. She owes you respect in the same way she's demanding it from you.
Stand up for yourself. You deserve to!
GOOD LUCK!
goosebumps reading it and makes me realize many things that I’m blinded to see myself. I love my mother but think her message was somewhat cruel. Your very smart and have a great outlook on things. Once again thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I think you just answered your own question.
My own personal response would be the following:
Dear Mom,
I recognize you have had a dreadful loss, and am so proud of how you--how we ALL--responded to care for Dad. I know you will have now a lot of depression and sad moments. As will we all. I know your loss of your life's companion is so much more painful than any of us can imagine; but we have also sustained a loss of our own.
I have done what I could for Dad, and for you, Mom. I am a human being with many limitations. I am afraid I can never be all you expect me to be. I am sorry for that.
You asked a question and you deserve an answer Mom. So let me tell you that I do not call you because calls to you make me more unhappy than I was before said calls. Just now I must care for myself so that I can be here for my own family. I cannot afford to spend more time than currently I am in comforting you. I hope you will consider therapeutic help. I hope this will help you move forward through your grief and into eventual celebration of Dad's good life, and an ability to move forward with you life, making friends and having many quality years. Sadly I cannot be responsible for whether you do seek help or you do not. I have my own family, my own life to live.
If in future you feel I have let you down, that is fine. I am aware of that. But I do not plan to change. I am happy with my own life and I live satisfied. I know my own limitations. I am far from Sainthood, but truth told when we are Saints they will fill us full of arrows, kill us, and pray to us to make their lives whole for eternity.
I will check in with you Mom at least weekly. But do know ahead of time that my own limitations will prevent me from being a good deal of help to you other than to tell you I am so sorry for our loss, and I am proud of how we worked together for Dad.
I love you.
Your Daughter.
Do not enable your mother in her bullying ways. Make is clear that you will not be present for bullying. Meanwhile celebrate what you did for your Dad. It is truly wonderful. And celebrate his life. Make a journal of wonderful memories, train your mind to walk paths of love and forgiveness and joy, and celebrate your family lest this be passed to them.
I so wish you the best. You should be so proud of yourself for all you have done, and for still caring in some way about a woman who "has always been this way". She is flawed, as are we all; she is grieving and anger is so much more easy to "go to" than grief.
My Mom lost my Dad at the age of 78. I NEVER felt that I had to be there every day. She had her friends and her Church. I lived 5 min away if she needed me. We attended Church together and she went out with us to dinner once a week. I never felt I needed to call her everyday and she never asked for it.
You should have set Boundries 3 years ago. There was no reason you needed to pick up your family every 3 weeks to stay with Mom. It was not fair to your children or your husband. Mom should have been doing most of the care for your father, not his daughter. So now you set boundries. Its time. Get your house cleaned up and move back in. Mom works so she has some socialization. If she has no friends thats her problem not yours. Seems brother is back in the picture, let him be her entertainment. You have been it for quite a while.
What I would tell her "Mom, that message you sent me made me realize you have been too dependent on me and my family. I feel its time for me and mine to get our lives back and you too. Its not good at 62 to depend on us like u have been. You need to have a life separate from us. So me and mine are moving back to our home where we belong."
Her needs are more of feeling lonely, alone, and not having anyone. So this is where I come in with my family. However I'm hurt by the message she sent me, and I’m not sure if I’m being too sensitive about it but I feel it was wrong for her to write that to me. Thank you for your advice, believe it or not, it means the world.
Leave it and let her miss you for a while.
Your plate is so full, get some rest and take a step back.
Let her hire lawn help or whatever she needs.
For God's sake she is only 62!
She needs to find a life and interests to entertain herself.
You need to focus on your little girls and enjoy them!
I cannot tell you the number of times I used the imaginary doorbell to get off the phone.
Read up on F.O.G. (Fear, Obligation and Guilt).
Not a healthy mother/adult child dynamic.
I think the time you spent at your mom's was above and beyond.
You need to take back your life and your family's lives.
Tell mom you will call 1 day a week. Pick a day that is most convenient for you.
If she needs to talk to you between your calls she can call or text you.
Your mom is very young at 62 she can manage many things on her own. A call once a week to say hi and ask how things are going is plenty.
i can send you much advice that i learned myself far to late in life.
but it goes like this.
paraphrased from kahlil gibran.
your children are from you, not of you, they are actually divine beings that you birth, in order for them to grow and expand into themselves, like a flower budding.
everything has its time.
If your mother is 62 ( i am nearly that age) it is truly up to her to go make friends, volunteer at a library to read stories to children ( in her own language) or anything else that brings her new human connection. It is not your job at all, to be everything to her, all her remaining family, as you say.
Letting you know also that, other mothers, like mine, 90 are worse. I ran away from home at 15 due to narcisisstic emotional abuse ( if you don't do what i say i will shame and berate you behavior) and am now back to help her. thankfully her personality has reverted to pre- mothering, but she still has that ingrained. so yesterday she said that if i didn’t do xyz she would leave all her money to xyz. I dont care about that, I care about her, and as an adult i have a right to learn in my life, to make better decisions.
It sounds like your mom is desperately lonely. i would just work on that.
and take care of your own children in the loving way i am sure you do. dont forget that you are their role model, creating healthy boundaries and modeling self care, will affect them too. you are their role model. what would you want them to see….
I became an athlete last year, at the age of almost 60. i swam 8 miles in open ocean last week, and am proud of myself, also as a model for my son. yes i call my mother, yes she is still strangely abusive and controlling and has now more reasonable expectations…. Yes i call her every other day. as she otherwise does not remember and thinks i havent called in a month.
is it hard. yes. i try to focus on things i know that can help her, Which are primarily physical practices which she appreciates.
I ask her to stand against the wall and raise her arms with her palms to the ceiling to help her chest open up and the c shape on her back to diminish.
I ask her to breathe in for eight - hold for four- breathe out for eight - repeat 5 times- to calm her anxiety.
I play her salsa music and ask her to hold onto a chair and dance. I tried to remove the conversation from anything into the future or the past. I ask her if she has drank water that morning and I have begun to call her and she just had to every day because she forgets to hydrate. this is all by phone.
These are ways you can still care for your mother remotely or even delegate to your children. For example, the ‘are you hydrated today” call.
that’s all I got for today, my son arrives, he is 17 and I haven’t seen him in three months. I know my mother does not realize that my caring for her means I cannot care for my own son- not the order of things.
, there are things she does- I don’t like -just like your mother. try to Ignore it, like you wouod a childs temper tantrum, and exhibit soothing behavior to yourself and to her. then try to fix the real problem, loneliness and lack of connectionS
You only have yourself to live with. you have done your best. time to create more healthy boundaries, as well to use all that time on forward-living.
Go take more walks in nature in solitude. Go swim in the ocean or lake.
you are a good person. that is all.