Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
1 2 3
Your mom is probably feeling abandoned with the change in your visitation habits. She doesn't understand that you have a home and family that need you more right now. So, she is feeling hurt and she lashed out. However, you and your family have been her major support network through your father/her husband's decline and she is probably still grieving.

The question is how do you want to live the rest of your life? Since your mom is healthy and working, she shouldn't need you - or the rest of the family - there every day for weeks. She does need to move forward in her life as a widow. You need to move forward in your life too - helping your children grow into capable adults and nurturing your marriage.

I suggest you talk with your spouse about what each person in your family needs. Prioritize your spouse, then the kids and lastly your mom. Make sure to also prioritize your needs. Create a game plan together. Then, visit your mom and explain how life will be changing. She probably won't like the changes, but this period in life is about readjusting to what is going to work better for everybody.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Dear Brokenheart: I empathize with your situation and the loss at what to do. I'd probably put blinders on, listen to the core of her request, and accommodate her with a consistent phone call, at the same time, same day(s) of the week, regardless of content. Regarding the communication... though she is young, her social screens sound corrupted, and thus rudely nasty and abusive... Your job... filter out all the crapola that she isn't, and again, listen to the core only, and respond to that with compassion for her and yourself. None of this is fun, but it allows us as caregivers to grow rather than be a victim too. Best of luck, stay connected with us as a group and use wisely your powers of choice.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

You are doing wonderfully taking care of your mother. It appears that she became accustomed to your constant presence and/or attention. Did you talk to her about your needing to spend some time in your own home to take care of things there? She would possibly have then understood and also known that you would be back to spend time with her. If she did not know in advance, she seemingly felt abandoned because she was caught off guard. Perhaps use this experience to explain that every now and then you will take time to take care of your home and she should never feel forgotten. By the way, is it possible for her to spend some time in your home with your family? Gives you opportunity to take care of your home while she stays with you for awhile. Also perhaps taking her out, movies, restaurant, shopping, having Mother/Daughter fun time and then bring her back to her home so you don't feel tied to her house so much. Maybe getting out can help both of you enjoy time together especially since she is young and in good health.
I am 62, work full time and I am full time caregiver to my 86 year old mother who has Alzheimer's. Best of luck to you🙏🏽.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I have read many, but not all, the replies given here. If you want to delve deeply into the personality disorder of "narcissism", OK. Not sure that will help you with an immediate response to Mom.

After reading her message, my thought was that you also have experienced the difficulties and weight gain of pregnancy plus the pain of childbirth more than once. And now those children need you more than she does. I would tell her just that!
Assure her that you are also grieving the loss of your father, but your husband and children must come first. Suggest that, as a mother herself, she would surely understand that.

If you can find the time to help her get out more and overcome her isolation a bit, that would be great. If she could meet some potential new friends, it might help. (but from your letter, it sounds as if self-imposed social isolation is a life long tendency of hers.)

You always stand ready to assist in any actual emergency.
Nevertheless, she can't be your first priority, even though she is struggling. As adults, we all face difficulties in life, but ultimately, the solution to these lies within ourselves. She is no exception.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I am so very sorry that you are dealing with this. It’s so sad. Unfortunately, these situations occur in many families. People are often the most cruel to those closest to them and some families become quite dysfunctional.

You know, most people want to mend fences before they die but there are exceptions. It seems like some people like stirring the pot and create drama wherever they are!

My husband’s grandmother was was that. In her final days in the hospital, shortly before she died, when you would think that she would make peace with everyone, she wrote hate letters to everyone she knew!

When I received this hateful letter for us, I couldn’t believe the venom she spewed. I read it and didn’t even want to show it to her grandson, my husband. My husband had always been kind to his grandparents. His grandfather was a lovely man, but his grandmother was an evil witch who didn’t have any friends. She drove everyone away with her pure ugliness.

The family finally believed that my husband’s grandmother had to have been mentally ill. What other reason is there? She did so much crap her entire life that it’s hard to believe that someone would choose to be so evil on purpose. She refused to seek help from a doctor. She didn’t want to speak to her pastor. She didn’t seem to be satisfied unless she was making others miserable. I feel sorry for people who behave so horribly. They are miserable. It’s even more sad that others have had to put up with them.

My husband’s grandmother died completely alone because she became so intolerable to be around. I truly hope that she found peace in the afterlife. We were offered her huge uptown home and we turned it down because I honestly felt like she would haunt us! LOL

We sold her home. I often wondered if the family that bought her beautiful home was content living there. She was very particular about her home. Oh gosh, if the new owners made any changes to the house, I bet she haunted them! 🤣 hahaha.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

it would be hard to forget what she sent you and not sure if forgetting it will help you or will it help her to know that no matter what she says to you, you will be there. Maybe just say that I have contacted you but you claim you have nothing to say. We have been there for 3 years in a row for 3 weeks at a time while my home is going to the birds, bees, ants or whatever. Tell her that once you get things straightened up at home, you will visit, until then (IF your hubby and kids are still going over), let her know that her needs are being met by the rest of the family and that maybe she should now try to start doing some things on her own. (maybe not the mowing or hard maintenance issues) but surely she can do some other things. enabling too much isn't good. So either you let her know that you were hurt by what she said after all you have done for them over the last several years and that you are still mourning the loss of your father (her hubby) OR you can try to forget it but I know you won't be able to. wishing you luck either way
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

You're a saint for doing what you have done. Her angry words will forever be on your mind. I have a feeling there might be something medical going on. I could tell you not to dwell on it, and maybe go visit but shorten the time you used to spend there. Send her a flowery card with sweet words. Give her a date and time you could visit. Perhaps the anticipation of knowing you're coming will perk her up.

She got in the habit of knowing you'd be there - night and day for all those weeks. You need to be back at your own home for the sake of your kids - and visit when you can. You say she's working. Is she working now - or is she alone in the house all day? I was alone most of the time and the doctor told me I needed to get out with people. I called the adult day center where I used to volunteer - and signed up to join them. I'm so glad I did. It's fun and I'm having a great time. Their bus picks me up and takes me home after "school."

Best of luck and consider what she's going through, You're a good son.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Nice replies, however, my experience has proved the best thing is to say "OK". If your mom had any level of dementia, you will never win an argument nor will any amount if reasoning make a difference. Never. Let it go. As tough as it is, keep caring gor yourself, your family & your mom.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Imho, the caregiver often gets treated like the "proverbial chopped liver" by the person whom they are caring for. I experienced this with my own late mother, whom I had to move in with from out of state to provide care. Yet my brother, according to my mother's boss, only showed up for the party and was treated like gold by our mother.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

dear brokenheart

when I married I moved 70 miles away from my mom. I’ve always done all the driving back and forth over the last 40 years. Holidays, birthdays, etc. I always did (and was expected by my mom) to do all the calling and driving. My mom never saw any of her grandkids events because she would not learn to drive on the freeways. When I would visit her she would time my visits with my friend who lived next door and make nasty comments about how long I visited her. I told her “l love you all and since I’m the one working full-time and doing all the driving to just leave me alone”. I have always worked full time so trying to see everyone on was hard.

in later years I would use my vacation or sick time to help her take my dad to his dr appointments. (He died 2011) I had a very good wage so it was expensive to do this. Lots of time away from my family and home. Horrendous traffic, etc. Now I am not working and I have been taking her to most of her doctors appointments. It’s 5 hours round trip most of time . (Los Angels traffic). That’s just the driving. It does not include the time waiting for the doctor and the appointment. It also does not include the trips to the grocery or other errands. It’s 10 hour trip if not more these days to go help her. And when I’m not driving to her house or at her house, I am on the phone with doctors, lawyers, banks, medicade , care facilities, social workers on her behalf.

now she has dementia and needs extensive care and assistance. She has always made it clear I was NEVER to ask her for ANYTHING. I often wonder who she thought would take care of her at the end. It’s been a horrendous mess because of all the stupid stuff my parents did. So much work you wouldn’t even believe it. I am so stressed and tired . All the work, driving, messes to clean up. I had two c-sections and a hysterectomy and she didn’t even spend 5 minutes with me to help me through my recovery.
She said to me recently “You don’t give a 💩 about me.” Really? But I just cleaned up anout 5 gallons of you know what because you can’t get to the bathroom anymore. Seriously you have never seen such a mess. Just one of MANY Ive cleaned up,

Working on moving her to a facility but its been difficult for so many reasons. COVID did not help.

When she would give me crap because she thought I didn’t call her or visit as much as she thought I should, I had to ask her who she thought was doing my housework, yard work, grocery shopping, cooking dinner , paying the bills, helping the kids with homework, etc (and working full time when I was working ) if I was at her house. Oh and by the way mom who do you think is taking care of your granddaughter who has cancer (no help with that either). My husband was firefighter so he was away from home for 24-hour shifts.

No matter your response I don’t think your mom will get the sacrifices you and your family have been making. I don’t think there is anything you can say to her to make her appreciate the things you do for her. My mom never got it. She’s totally helpless and out of it now and I will never get any answers from her to why she had the attitude she had. Been so difficult. Soon as I get her situated I need surgery. I have a tear in my shoulder. Very painful.

Sorry to go on so long. Things are even more crazy and complicated than I can put here. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Hello Brokenheart0504,
First, I would like to send my condolences to you. I am very sorry your father passed. You are a very strong willed woman. You took great care of your father, helped your mother all while being a mother and a wife and working a full time job. Superwoman is more like it. By reading your story I can feel the hurt and disbelief by what your mother decided to text you. You must feel very confused and down by what she has said to you. My Aunt passed away February of this year and that also was devastating and heart breaking for me as well. I was raising by my grandmother and my Aunt. (My grandmother’s sister) My Aunt was diagnosed with dementia which was hard enough. I live in Texas, so I’m not sure if you had seen in the news that in February our weather was insane and very out of the ordinary for us. Everything was covered in ice and snow, no power no electricity or water for days. Anyway, that kept me from visiting her. I lived an hour and a half away. When my grandmother called me she was already in the hospital and she had what the doctor called “cold sepsis “. I was not able to be with her, I was not able to say goodbye to the woman who helped raise me. Fast forward to today. My grandmother and I don’t talk as much, I try to call her at least twice a week, if she answers her phone. She is not the same person. I am afraid she has just given up. Which kind of sounds like what your mother is doing. By your description, she sounds very lonely, depressed, sad and maybe even a little confused. Especially, thinking “what am I going to do now? My husband is gone, it’s just me.” She probably has all these mixed feelings, emotions and thoughts that will not shut off. You being the only there helping is the gets most of the sh*t. Sorry excuse my language, but it’s true. It doesn’t sound like she is thinking straight and since you’re closest to her she going to unleash some of those thoughts and feelings onto you. It’s basically like an exchange of energy. (Ex: if someone is having a bad day and they are in a bad mood they are goofy to lash out on the person closest to them. In return the other person who was fine but now is in a bad mood because of the other is an exchange of energy.) In part, it probably made your mother feel in control for a brief moment and even though she has never talked like that to you has left you now confused and not knowing what to do. She had briefly lifted some weight off of her shoulders by sending that awful text. It seems to me that text from her has nothing to do with you. I would give it some time and maybe have a conversation about the text when you feel like it’s the right time to bring it up. Tell your mother that you can understand what she is going through and really all you can do is offer her your support and love. But, that does not mean letting her walk all over you. Set boundaries. Clear boundaries. You’re probably going to have to rebuild your relationship with your mother in a new way. She is not going to be the same person now that your father has passed. You both need time to grieve. And only time will heal grief. There is no set time limit. And no person is alike so you may need longer than your mother or vice versa. My advice is to just take this one day at a time. Have a conversation to your mother when you feel it’s right about the text. Because, if it’s not addressed it will lead to very unnecessary stress and most likely resentment. Get it taken care of and move on from that. After that, maybe talk with your mother, see what she needs and see if it fits into your schedule. Like I said boundaries. Set healthy, clear boundaries. Also, write down what you want to say to her first, then read it over. I hope that this helps you. *This is just my opinion and advice. *You need to take care of yourself first before you can take care of others. With love and virtual hugs. Have a great night and again, I really do hope this helps.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

You can always take the higher road, but that is for wannabes saints and such, but from your description of your mother full potential, she does not appear to be helpless in any sense of the word, and apparently she possesses a bellicose mood. People like this are hard to please, mother or not, and you may serve/help her for six months straight, but if you miss the next day she will unveil her acrid personality, which the fact that she lacks friends speaks volumes about such winning personality. Husband advice smart, but bad manners and ungrateful deserves equal doses of the same medicine/treatment. Who can tell? She might see the light yet, but best option for now give her the cold shoulder. You certainly done a very good job, and you deserve a little better. Happy 4th! I love USA!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Brokenheart0504;

So sorry about the loss of your father. Even though your mother might not acknowledge it, most, if not all of us here DO appreciate what you did for him.

"I love my mother but think her message was somewhat cruel."

Somewhat? No, blatantly cruel and uncalled for.

Given what your mother did, she's either very self-centered and/or has no empathy for others (refuse to attend appts because she has to cook or clean AND send that rude nasty message, after all you've done for her and your father?) It was MORE than enough you attended to his needs in that last year and then to spend time ensuring all the loose ends were tied up, but you went beyond that, spending 3 weeks/mo there for 2 years!!! That's 2/3 of the year, with only 1/3 allowed for your family to spend in their home. That's an awful lot to ask of a family, but it was done.

It is pretty clear that she's forgotten that or dismissed it. Clearly in her mind you OWE it to her. We all, including you, know you don't owe squat to her.

FWIW, at her age I was taking over managing finances and care for my mother! I didn't live with her nor did I ever stay there overnight or have her overnight at my place. While there were things that would get her dander up, she was mostly grateful for what time and effort I could provide. She was over 90 when this started (dementia.) Again, I was YOUR mother's age when I had to step in to help my mother. My kids don't help me - I'm thankful to occasionally get a text message. I do NOT expect them to coddle me. If/when I can't manage tasks here, I plan to hire help. I am 5+ years OLDER than your mother!

Cultural? Perhaps, but that means many cultures are the same. Generational? Based on many responses and my own experience, it isn't that either. It comes down to individual personalities. Some people are like that and/or have those expectations. Expect all you want people, I will do what I feel is right when I want to, NOT when it is expected of me or demanded or you throw shade at me. I would be much less likely to provide ANY help or company if that's how I will be treated**.

Was she wrong to write that? Yes. Are you justified in feeling unfairly treated? Absolutely. Narcissist or not, it is uncalled for. FWIW there are (or have been) members of this forum that spew that kind of garbage too. They think you are 100% or more obligated to care for a parent who birthed you and wiped your poopy diapers! Like we are some kind of criminal and this is our sentence! WRONG WRONG WRONG. Our parents (for the most part) chose to have us and raise us. WE get a choice in whether we want to unraise them.

I would ignore the message (certainly don't take it to heart!) AND not respond. I would also take my sweet time before the next phone call or visit. IF she repeats it or some other nonsense, then I would address it. I would tell her the things she wrote are cruel and hateful. I would tell her that after spending so much time caring for her place that yours deteriorated and you were tied up trying to fix everything. I would also tell her that phones work TWO ways - unless her fingers are broken, SHE can call you if she's so worried about contact.

If she has no friends or hobbies/activities, that's on her. WE can't make others happy. They have to find happiness themselves. You have a family to care for, a home to care for, a job to maintain so that you have the means to care for the family and home. You can tell her she's in your thoughts as is your dad. Definitely set boundaries and do not spend 3 weeks of every month there. She's only 62 and capable of working 40hr/week, so she can learn to manage on her own. If she needs assistance, say with yard work or home maintenance, you can find resources she can hire. Visiting or going out to eat or bringing a meal to her maybe once/month is sufficient. Calls can be weekly or bi-weekly, but if she's so lonely, tell her to pick up the phone and call YOU to be sure you're still alive!!!
** see resp
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
disgustedtoo Jul 2021
When my kids were younger and felt I was mean, I would turn that around on them. If you think I'm so mean, then I will be!!! If I'm accused of that, I might as well BE that!!! Suddenly I became the best mom in the world!

Thankfully my kids weren't stupid so I never had to follow through on that threat...
(0)
Report
The trouble is you have been a saint caring for mom and dad.I am so sorry for the loss of your dad.Your mom is healthy capable and being selfish.Hubby is right ...stay home take care of you and the kids....haven't you done enough?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

For some reason, the primary caregiver (who is usually the oldest daughter), always gets all of the anger from their loved one. The other siblings, who often give little to no help, seem to get all of the adoration. I don't know why it always seems to be that way.

I hope that are able to find some peace with this situation. And, please know that you have been doing a great job.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
LilyBear Jul 2021
You are absolutely right!
(0)
Report
This woman is cold, uncaring, selfish, horrible behaviors and actions. Why on earth do you want anything to do with her? Don't waste any more time and effort. Live for you and your own family and make plans to lead a full life with them. Offer one time to get the house cleaned, or get her a caretaker, whatever - but set boundaries - you are gone. She is on her own. Regardless of why she does/did what she does, it is impacting you terribly - do not allow that. Forget that she is your mother - she does not deserve your care. Leave her behind and walk away - now before it is too late.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I would respond to your mother in kind but right to the point. I would tell her her email hurt you as you have done nothing short of stopping your life for the past three years to attend to her needs. You have basically given up your home to make hers a home. I would explain that you would do it all over again if you had to as you love her dearly. I would tell her you appreciate her struggles with bringing you into this world and caring for her and you are only trying to do what's right. You need to get your life back in order which doesn't take away any love for her.

Hopefully, this will resolve the tension and both of you can start seeing each other again but on a more limited basis?

I'm here if you need a shoulder or ear. :)
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

So sorry for the loss of your father. IMO you must set boundaries with your mother. I am older than your mother, so I don't get her attitude, other than deliberate meanness and self absorption (and she gets away with it). What she said to you was vicious and cruel. You say your heart tells you not to ignore it. I agree. Speak up for yourself, calmly and to the point. I did it with my mother. You'll be glad you did.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been going through. I’ve read most of the responses on here, and they all have good advice.

The only thing I’m going to add is if you feel you have to respond to your mother about your feelings, that you just have to get it off your chest, do so. But the important thing is to have no expectations in an appropriate response.

I found myself in an untenable situation and received this advice. I went ahead, spoke up to defend myself and clear the air. And…nothing. I received no apology, and no explanation. However, since I had prepared myself, I wasn’t devastated.
I did feel better because I was taking care of me.

It’s so sad when family members let us down like this, but now you know where you stand. It’s time for more self-care, and taking care of your own family’s needs first. Wishing you the best.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

1 2 3
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter