I am the sole caretaker of my 98 year old mother. She has lived with my husband and I for about 20 years. She was very independent (driving, shopping, etc.) up until about 7 ago when her health went downhill. Lots of pain from spinal stenosis and arthritis, bone on bone knee pain. She walks with a walker around the house, but goes nowhere except doctor appts. She fell and broke her hip a year ago, had surgery but hasn’t been the same since. She can go to the bathroom herself, but I have to help her with a lot of little things such as baths, putting her shoes on, putting in hearing aids, opening things as her fingers are numb and she constantly is dropping things. I make her meals, as she can’t reach the microwave and I worry about her using the oven and stove. After her surgery, I pretty much went nowhere as she was deathly afraid of falling again. I have just started going out for an hour or so close by to run an errand or two. Nine times out of ten, there was some kind of issue that happened while I was gone. She had considered AL several years ago, when she was in better shape, even put a deposit on one, then changed her mind and requested her deposit back. That’s another story for another time LOL. Anyway, I have the chance to take a cruise and would love to go as I haven’t been on a vacation in 10 years. My mother always says she knows it’s because of her that I can’t take a vacation. I have no family to help and she would not want strangers in. I want to bring up the topic of respite care at a lovely AL nearby, but she had such a bad experience in the NH rehab when she broke her hip last year I don’t think she would consider it. She told me to put a pillow over her face if she has to go to a NH again. I try to explain that AL is different from NH, but she won’t hear of it. I actually think AL would do her good as she would have peers to talk with, she always says she has no one to talk to except me and she knows she drives me crazy as all she talks about is her health, pills, etc. I’m just afraid pretty soon she will not be eligible for AL and would have to go straight to NH. At 98 she still has her mental faculties, gets a little confused from time to time and repeats herself, but on the whole is with it.
Basically, I guess what I am asking is how do I get over my guilt (I know, I know) and broach the subject of respite? She has lived with me for so long, I think she would have separation anxiety.
BTW, she has the finances to move to AL but she says it would kill her to give them $7-8K a month, she would rather leave it to me. She has been saving her money “so in case I have to go to a nursing home some day”.
You may want to take her to the one you plan on placing her. Have lunch or dinner there. This way she will see an AL is not a Rehab. I would be firm that you are going on the cruise and she will be going to the AL for the time you are gone. Tell her you love her but you need this time for yourself.
I was going to a nieces wedding 8 hours away. She had it at a resort. My Mom was in her mid to late stage of Dementia living with me for almost 2 yrs. Taking her to this wedding was not even considered. I needed this time away. So I went to an AL up the street to find out if they did respite care. They did and...were having a half off sale on room and board. With her care included, I could keep her there a year with hopes the house would sell for a second year. So instead of respite I moved her in. She adapted well and had more freedom than in my split level house. So, ur Mom may find out that she likes the place and stay.
You need to do this for yourself. I would place Mom a couple of Days before the cruise so u can pack and a couple of days after the cruise to rest up. If the cruise is a week, keep Mom at the AL for 2 weeks. Give yourself the break you need.
My mother is 97, lived on her own until she was 94, in the mountains of NC, you had to be a billy goat to get inside of her house. For 10 years my brother & I tried to get her to move to Fl and AL, nope.
She had a slight stroke became afraid to stay alone at night, we gave her an ultimatum, we finally had her where we needed her to be.
Scooped her up, placed her in AL near us. She loves it, has friends her own age, lots of activities, she even teaches chair exercises, she is a big gun there! Now she says "I wish I had done this 10 years ago!" Geesh!
Take your vacation, give her no option, time for you to take your life back, she is being selfish, and you are self-imposing guilt on yourself for no reason. You are imaging what will happen creating thoughts that are perceived, not confirmed.
This will also help get her acclimated to having help from others, too, so once you get back you can hire in-house assistance if you want.
It sounds as if you have good relationship with her, open and honest. That's a start. Simply talk to her as you did in your post and explain that you love her, but you really, really need a break. Talk to her about the time frame (are you thinking about making the AL a permanent thing?) and move forward.
Tell her you want her to spend her money on herself, not you.
And--NO GUILT. Guilt is for when you've done something wrong and you haven't and aren't going to!
Tell her this is the best option. You’ll come get her after, after which she can resume being a burden to you. The other choice is that she is moved in permanently.
DO not tell her in advance. I would tell her the day before as you help her pack her bags. Telling my mom anything earlier just leads to more and more questions, etc.
Tell her very clearly that you do not want her money. You need your life now and not waiting until something happens like another fall or her death.
Well, that IS giving the money to you, in a way. It gives YOU the ability to have some peace.
It seems like your Mom needs more than AL.
I would look into NH respite stay for your vacation.
However, it seems like she needs a lot more care/help long-term, more than what an AL will provide. I would think about whether you can continue doing what you’re doing in house. Her needs aren’t the only ones that should be taken into consideration.
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