How do I stay pleasant and sane when living with in-laws?
My in-laws moved in with us last month when relocated across the country to raise our son in my hometown.
Previously, my in-laws lived close by in their own apartment, but we had to move them in with us when we moved cross-country. My husband didn't want to send them back to Italy where they have no one to help them besides paid caregivers, and the new town is car-dependent (my in-laws won't drive). So, we bought a huge house to deal with living with them while also working from home.
I have a lot of experience with them part-time living with us at our old vacation home (sold when we moved). In our cabin, they would constantly watch me or need to be in the kitchen at the very moment I would go in, and it drove me crazy. I figured if we bought a big enough house with their own section, they wouldn't constantly be underfoot. NOPE! The exact same thing is happening in our huge house.
I should mention, my father in-law can't/won't do anything for himself b/c he uses a walker, and a week after the move my mother in-law sprained her ankle, severely limiting her mobility beyond hobbling into the kitchen to make a coffee for her husband and then watch me cook, clean, etc. Two weeks after the move my father in-law fell and broke his ribs. Are we having fun yet? I know none of us are, but trust me, they didn't have this extra baggage when they were raising my husband and his brother. They have plenty of money to live on their own back in Italy where they still have a place, they just don't want to b/c then they would only see us when we visit them.
I now hide on the 3rd floor of my beautiful new house that I worked years to be able to buy, just to avoid them, I order dinner in most nights b/c I'm tired of being watched, and my husband stays in our basement where his office is. He's very busy with work, but I think he's also avoiding them.
My marriage couldn't be better. Eye roll. I know the stress of moving is time limited and will fade and my mother in-law will eventually heal and be semi helpful again one day. I say semi b/c she weaponizes incompetence to a level I haven't seen in a woman before. "I couldn't ice my ankle b/c I don't know where the ice is." "I couldn't do dishes/wash clothes b/c I don't know how to work the dishwasher/washer/dryer, etc." This helplessness has been an issue WAY before the ankle injury. She refuses to learn anything new around the house, yet otherwise, is whip smart. She was an impressive businesswoman until she was 70 and now, she can't figure out how to run a dishwasher (mind you, she figured it out in her prior apartments, like 3 various ones in our old town). She's totally bored and annoyed with her husband yet doesn't busy herself with simple tasks to avoid him and help the household, like putting dishes away, b/c to her point "I don't know where things go" (my kitchen cabinets are glass paned... you can see where nearly everything goes.
I go to my parents as often as I can to escape but I'm still living out of boxes. I need to spend more time settling my house instead of running away. I'm currently unemployed, but that will end soon, and work will be an outlet, so there's that, but then new issues arise (them creating distractions and needing me while I'm in meetings).
Mostly I'm just venting to an audience that is likely familiar with this situation, but I'd love to know what others have done to stay nice and sane during times when elderly in-laws or parents move in.
Listing this as relating to the topic of "new to caregiving" b/c I guess that's what I became without really signing up for it, a caregiver.
You have an Italian MIL. There's no living sanely with that. I'm Italian and I know that my grandmother could never have lived with any of her DIL's (even the ones she liked).
Find them some senior housing and move them too it before your happy marriages becomes a misery and heads for the divorce court.
Believe me, my friend. It will happen. There can only be one woman in a house. An old-country Italian MIL? Move them out now before it's too late.
Re: my situation, the in-laws really do need to move out, at least for a good portion of the year and I'm working on a way to instigate this without waging a war with my DH. We may be able to ship them off to Florida to stay with my BIL!!! Crossing fingers!
This was a bad idea in the first place, there are cultural differences, getting the care they need will be difficult as they age (no Medicare), and you don't like having them in YOUR house.
Good intentions pave the road to misery. In your case, it's fixable, though not without a lot of tears and gnashing of teeth.
We learn from our mistakes. You've learned a lot from this one. Good luck!
You are so right. There are cultural differences that make this really hard.
They have money, they need to move back to Italy.
You do understand that they can live for another 20 years or more, my mother is 98!
Why you would agree to this is beyond me, it has no chance of working.
Time to make a change, visit them a couple of times a year in Italy and be done with it.
I am glad that you have a good sense of humor because unless you do something now you will need it, or you will end up in the looney bin and they will be living in your house!
Good Luck!
Plan A is to send the ILs to Florida when the weather turns cold here in NY. We will either go on vacation at Thanksgiving or Xmas, take them as far as Florida (we will go on to the islands). My BIL is in FL and wants them with him. They don't want to go (they dislike my SIL), but I will appeal to my MIL that we need some time on our own. Then I will have my DH or BIL take them to Italy in March. One or both sons will fly with them and leave them "for a few months" (wink wink). Hoping they decide they are happier there and want to stay. I think they will breath a sigh of relief in their own, familiar place.
Plan B is to pull my hair out. I have a lot of it. Ha!
After my father died, my mother “ stayed with us “ , sort of on a trial basis. She drove us crazy . I decided I wasn’t going to change what goes on in my house to my mothers liking . We just did our normal routine and started ignoring her complaints . She then decided to go back to her own house . She said she couldn’t live with our “ habits “.
Have you and your husband talked about the elephant in the room?
Why did you "have to" move them in? What is wrong with living in Italy with paid care?
I just don't see where "have to" comes into play.
We've spoken and the two infirm elephants in the room. He is very resistant to sending them back to Italy b/c in his words "They will never come back." I'm ok with that idea, he is not. I have to ease him into it or we will have major issues in our marriage.
Plan A is to send the ILs to Florida when the weather turns cold here in NY. We will either go on vacation at Thanksgiving or Xmas, take them as far as Florida (we will go on to the islands). My BIL is in FL and wants them with him. They don't want to go (they dislike my SIL), but I will appeal to my MIL that we need some time on our own. Then I will have my DH or BIL take them to Italy in March. One or both sons will fly with them and leave them "for a few months" (wink wink). Hoping they decide they are happier there and want to stay. I think they will breath a sigh of relief in their own, familiar place and my DH will also be happier. He just feels so much responsibility right now he can't see that it's the only solution. His parents need to go back to Italy.
That said, if they have enough money and your house is big enough, would it be possible to completely separate their section from yours, install a kitchen or kitchenette, and a separate entrance?
But, you need to put on your big girl pants and be honest with your in-laws that living with them is too stressful for you and since it's your house, they are the ones who have to accept that change is coming.
"I figured if we bought a big enough house with their own section, they wouldn't constantly be underfoot." Really DH should tell them that you bought the house with their own section so he and you could have some alone time with each other and your son. That because you both work u need time together.
Again me, but if my parents watched me work and had their own section, I would ask them, would you mind going to your section. I can clean a lot better when no ones under foot. Maybe DH should tell them this arrangement will not work if you are together continuously. There needs to be time that they are alone as a couple and time your alone as a couple.
Just this morning I caught my MIL staring at me while I was making breakfast and packing my DH's lunch. She knows it bugs me so I playfully, yet loudly, tell her to stop watching me. She laughed and did it again minutes later (she really can't seem to help herself), and I yelled again and she left the room with a smile on her face. I'm sure she's a little offended, but eventually, she will learn the kitchen is my space.