I live at home with my parents and my aging grandmother. My mom has severe arthritis and needs a double knee replacement. My younger sister is away at school. My dad works long hours. My mom runs the household... with my help. At 23, almost 24, I want my own life. I want to go out and not feel guilty that I'm not unloading groceries, or spending my only day off a week at home with my grandmother while she watches daytime TV. I was raised that family comes first, always, and I love my family. But I want to know how to take time for me.. without feeling guilty about it. I want to know how to spend a day relaxing with my boyfriend of three years without feeling as thought there is something I should be doing at home for the two women who taught me how to be a woman, and raised me to be the woman I am. Help me regain some of that twenty-something freedom I'm dying for... guilt free.
Someone once said, "If you're bleeding, look for a man with scars". Run, do not walk out of Dodge.
Furthermore, I simply do not believe that if they love you as much as they are supposed to, they would be making other arrangements of their own and not ALLOW you to tie up your life. This kind of thinking is a remnant of some old ideal that big families stayed in the same town, a'la "Its a Wonderful Life"and all looked after each other and shared the burdon for life in a warm sunset glow. Reality is much harsher and darker. My advice is to grab your guy and Get the H___ out of Dodge!!! You have a right to a life. Take it.
You know her name says it all "Omasgirl" Hopefully it goes to "OmasGRRL"
(Sorry this is thesis length, but I feel you are so deeply torn and at a crossroad in your life. I just wanted to let you know I care too and wish you every happiness as you sort through some very difficult questions and take the next steps in this journey of life.)
I hope you take to heart what everyone has said to you here out of love and concern. You sound like a beautiful, caring young woman and you definitely deserve a life of your own!! Yes, it is a good thing to love and care for our families when it is healthy. Unfortunately, the use of guilt can be a very effective method of accomplishing unhealthy “love”. Don’t get me wrong, because I truly haven’t walked a mile in your moccasins so can’t understand the factual dynamics of your family, but I do sense an atmosphere of “guilt” placement to get you to devote your life to family. Maybe that is how the dynamics has always been in your family, so your mother and grandmother don’t know any other way of showing love either. However, I hope you will come to understand the only thing feelings of guilt will ever truly accomplish is to ruin YOUR life, while the rest of the people go along taking full advantage of you. These “strong” women are using their strength to deplete yours and rob you of the life you so richly deserve.
I am sure they truly don’t intend to, nor truly want to zap you of your youth; they just don’t know how to relinquish their feelings of need toward you for themselves. I COMPLETELY understand your feelings because I too have allowed myself to be ruled by the same ones. For the past 12 years I have been living with and caring for my husband’s parents and my mother. My mother-in-law was an extremely controlling, matriarchal, strong woman and made life a living hell for all of us, especially her husband. Yet, we stayed and cared for her because of guilt and because “family comes first”. She died two and a half years ago. Six months later, my own mother took a dive down dementia mountain and I had to bring her into our home. My mother was the sweetest, kindest person on the face of the planet, yet there were many, many days I too regretted the life I had to give up caring for her 24 hours a day. I loved her with all my heart and soul and would have done, and did do, anything in my power to make her final years as peaceful and pleasant as I possibly could. I hated the anger and resentment I was feeling giving up my “golden years” to care for her. I am 62 ~ on the other end of the “freedom” scale. The past 12 years should have been spent enjoying my time of freedom with grandchildren and the activities I couldn’t do during my younger years because I was raising my family. Instead of having some “me” time, I was caring for parents. Sadly, my mother passed away last December and I deeply, deeply miss her. Yet, selfishly, and in no way do I mean this disrespectfully, I am thankful, finally, for my freedom. Although, my father-in-law is 86 and still living with us. He is beginning to slip and I know the cycle will start again.
When my mother died I was filled with horrible guilt of “I should have done more, I could have done more, I wasn’t a good daughter” on and on. Then I stopped and asked myself, what were our parents doing at my age? They were traveling around the world on cruises, they were enjoying their grandchildren when they wanted (I haven’t been to see mine in two years………they had to come here), they were golfing, spending time with friends and enjoying their lives of freedom. What did they do for their parents? Well, my mother’s lived in another state and she would visit when she could, but for the most part, she lived a pretty independent lifestyle. My in-laws lived in the same town, however, their care never fell totally on the shoulders of their children either. These were all strong people too, but strong enough to take time for themselves and THEIR lives. It helped me to feel less guilt when I realized this fact. I was allowing misplaced guilt rob me of the life I deserved. I realized they lived a life of freedom because they were strong enough to respect who they were by giving themselves that option. A life we all owe to ourselves and giving that life the sanctity of the justice it deserves by taking control of our rightful place in the universe. “This above all, unto thine own self be true”.
What my point here is, DON’T miss out on the best years of your life because you feel you should be tied to those who have lived theirs! Each and every one of us has to make our OWN decisions about OUR life and how we want to spend it. We are here to decide for OURSELVES. Remember, God gave us that option and He wants us to lead happy, healthy and productive lives in His world, not depressed and filled with guilt, either self imposed or placed on us from others for THEIR benefit. Were your mother and grandmother caring for their parents when they were 24 or were they carving out a life for themselves? Does your father work long hours to escape being home and caring for your mother and grandmother? Your sister is away at college, making a life for herself. Why are you the only one stuck with the guilt and feeling like this is all on your shoulders? Why isn’t your mother getting her knees replaced? Is she using that as a cop out to take on responsibilities too and dumping a lot on you because she is being somewhat selfish? Yes, the motto in your household is “family comes first” but what consideration are they giving you as a family member? YOU have to come FIRST at some point too!!! It possibly sounds that these strong women have done a bit of guilt instilling to raise you to be the woman of guilt you are so they could use that guilt to keep you in tow caring for them.
One of the definitions of guilt states: the responsibility, as determined by a court or other legal authority, for committing an offense that carries a legal penalty. Are you are feeling the guilt because the “court” of your mother and grandmother have instilled in you a responsibility that if you don’t fulfill the wishes of “family” there will be a penalty? I think your insides are telling you that the guilt is wrong and you DESERVE a life. YOU need to be a strong woman too in order to save yourself and take steps to create a life of your own. Even if you can’t find the strength to leave for the peace and sanctuary of a place of your own, you MUST decide, when you are away from the grip of “family coming first”, to STOP THINKING ABOUT THEM!!!! and what unrealistic penalties might be imposed because you are not there every minute doing for them. These few hours are YOURS and you deserve every, single second of them. Forget about what you think is waiting at home and enjoy YOUR time!! If you continue to torture yourself during those precious hours of freedom, then you only have yourself to blame. You are away and all the guilt in the world isn’t accomplishing squat except to ruin those few hours of freedom too. Then you go back still feeling defeated and not accomplishing the goal of getting away to be refreshed and rejuvenated. In the long run, who are you helping? I can’t think of anyone, especially yourself.
My advice is to find someone who can help you disassociate from these feelings of guilt. You can definitely and successfully love your family and give them the time and attention you seem to feel they need on your own terms without giving up every part of who you are due to guilt. You need another voice in your head except the one forcing you to do the bidding of others and locking you into someone else’s world instead of becoming your own person. I know how deeply you must love everyone in your family or you wouldn’t be so torn, but in many ways this form of love is dysfunctional. Don’t waste the precious life you have been given by filling it with guilt. You owe it to yourself to say hello to and love who YOU are and have a life other than the one of self –reproach others, or yourself, have placed upon you.
Now, having said all that, I am not sure who is actually lying on the guilt complex here. In some respects, it almost sounds like it is coming from within you. There are times when we love people so much we don’t know how to allow ourselves to let go and think of ourselves without feeling guilty. It almost feels like to do so would, somehow, diminish the love we have for them. So, even in our few moments of freedom, we unjustly chastising ourselves and filling ourselves with remorse over our actions of what we feel is neglect. In some sick way, feeling guilty is the only way we can tell ourselves how much we love them. Again, it is a dysfunctional form of relating to others. Either way, I think you need to seek out someone who can help you find a healthy balance in your life. I fear your boyfriend will only handle so much of playing second fiddle to mom and grandma and dealing with your distracted thoughts of them even when you are supposed to be alone with him. Remember Princesses Diana’s comment about there being three of us in this marriage? It isn’t healthy.
Please, take a long, honest, soul searching look at your world and at yourself. Is this how you honestly want to spend the rest of your life? I certainly don’t think so or you wouldn’t be so confused and torn. Unfortunately, too many times the health and lives of the caregivers are destroyed out of misplaced love and guilt long before the ones they care for are gone. PLEASE, Omasgirl, don’t be one of those. Yet, in the end, the path you take in the journey of your life is ultimately up to you. And you need to find the answers to the oft times very tough questions so you can live YOUR life to its fullest. Don’t ever forget, and remind yourself often, you only walk this way once and it is entirely up to you how you want the journey to end. And, above all, at its end, what do you want to look back on and remember as your life? Will it be a lifetime of experiences with the love of a husband, the joy of raising children of your own, filled with friends, travel, richness of learning all this world has to offer, or will you see a lifetime devoid of who you are because you are locked into to the care of family members out of guilt, whether self imposed or delegated from other? These are the difficult questions only you can answer for YOURSELF. No one else can, nor do they have the right to, answer them for you. It is strictly between yourself and your God.
My heart felt thoughts and prayers go out to you and the decisions you face along the road you elect to travel. No matter which path you take, may it be a beautiful life, one filled with much, love, joy and a lifetime of richness. Hugs and love.
You will be fine and so will they. Best of luck to you.
If those two women are truly that strong, then they would understand and even want you to be on your own. To idolize is to become dependent. It is time for you to become independent.
Omasgirl, you were raised in a family where guilt was a verb. I don't know but I've only been able to carve down the guilt to 30%. Go ahead and have a life! Don't want one. Feel guilty. It's good for the blood pressure.
I idolize these two strong women for their strength, but I want my own life. And my mom has a brother, be he is no son, or uncle. So its really my immediate family. Thank you everyone for your amazing support, and listening to my venting.
I agree, moving out is a good plan...I was living on my own and supporting myself at 21. It will empower you. In the meantime, carve out that one day off from both your job and your home job.
Trust me on this one: the years go by so fast and if you are not planning your future it will be planned for you. Please do one thing today that will help you get out on your own.
good luck and let us know how you are doing.
Your post is really interesting & so descriptive in that the reader (well at least this one) can feel your frustration and sense of entrapment.
Perchance does your grandmother have other children? Are any of them independent women with careers & community activity outside of the home? If so maybe you can talk with that aunt about your feelings. They've been there and know the bigger family dynamics and it's history and baggage.
You write...."the two women who taught me how to be a woman, and raised me to be the woman I am." Do you want the same life your mom and grandma have or do you want something different?