How do I stop mom’s politically incorrect mouth?

Really? How can you "stop" anyone's politically incorrect mouth?

If you feel as if your children can't be exposed to her, then really your only choice is to move her out. But I have to say, having raised 2 children into young adults myself, it's not necessarily a bad thing for your children to be exposed to persons with differing viewpoints, as horrible as you find those viewpoints to be. Your children are going to have to deal with people such as your mom in their lives, and instead of trying to figure out a way to shut mom up - thereby "protecting" your kids from her views - you might turn this into a "teachable moment" for the kids.

Explain to your kids that they are not defined by other people's opinions and should not feel quantified by other people's opinions of them. That it is ok to disagree with someone's beliefs while still loving that person and being respectful of them. That if you truly embrace the constitutional belief of free speech, that means defending ALL free speech, even if you find that speech disgraceful. These are valuable life lessons for anyone of any age.

As far as your kids "shriveling" - if you haven't already, you might want to ask THEM why this is. Their answers might surprise you. It could be they feel stifled having grandma in the house, regardless of her opinions. It also might have NOTHING to do with your mom.

I doubt you can stop your mother's politically incorrect mouth. This is who she is and has been, I suspect, for years and years.

Setting boundaries involves you changing - not her. If you set boundaries and stick to them she may change or she may not.

Setting a boundary means determining a consequence for a particular behaviour of another person, letting them know what the consequences for that behaviour is and when that person demonstrates that behaviour, you respond with your predetermined and openly stated boundary.

e.g. Mother calls X type of people ignorant. You state that you will not continue a conversation with her if she speaks like that about X type of people, Next day, mother again says X type of people are ignorant. You apply your consequence and cease speaking to her, and perhaps, leave the room.

This doesn't change her - it changes you and therefore changes the dynamic in your relationship with her. It also demonstrates to your kids that you disapprove of and discourage that behaviour and models a boundary for them.

Mother may or may not change. Likely she will ramp up unacceptable behaviour in response to your boundary at first. You still stick to your boundary.

I know there is a history to your mum being with you. You must have been aware of her of her politically incorrect mouth. What did you expect to happen when you moved her in with you?

Considering the effect of her behavior on your children, I would consider placing her in a facility. The peace of your home and the welfare of your children should, IMO, come first.

Wishing you the best, Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend as mentioned by lea is an excellent book. Counseling can also be helpful in these situations.

Teach your children to say kindly and cheerfully "can't quite agree with you there, Grandma."

If your mother thinks she's perfect, let her be. Doesn't mean everyone else has to think so. You certainly don't, do you?

”Uncle Shamus” was the only “grandpa” my children ever knew. He adored my children from birth, and they adored him right back.

When they became old enough to realize that some of his comments were totally unacceptable to us, and to them too, we told them the truth- you can love someone very dearly but at the same time totally disagree with some of the things they say.

We reinforced this every time we saw Uncle Shamus.

We believe my children learned that human beings can be badly flawed and we can still love and respect their better natures, along with ignoring, and definitely NEVER ADOPTING, their terrible ones.

Worked in our family.

I think the best thing you can do for your kids is to encourage them to express their own opinions, respectfully disagree with her if that’s how they feel. They are likely to encounter other people like your mom (a boss maybe?) . Trying to shelter them does them no favors. And if mom isn’t happy? Well there’s always the nursing home, lol. As long as they keep it RESPECTFUL. Rudeness would be wrong, even if she’s rude.

If mom is affecting your children in a negative way then mom needs to find a new place to live.

Sorry but your kids well being comes before mom. Things can have ripple effects on kids that we may not even realize are happening. You say your kids are shriviling a bit from moms personality and what she says. Imagine another 5 or 10 years of them listening to mom.

Think about the negative things about your home life with mom when you were a child. How she made you feel and then think about your kids. They shouldn't be sacrificed because you feel obligated to take care of mom.

If mom is cognizant and she is fully aware of what she is doing and saying your response can be:
"Mom while you are living in this house you need to be kind, courteous to others living in this house. If you can not do that then you are going to have to find some other place to live. We can tour AL facilities next week."
"Mom while you are living here if you can not say anything nice I will ask you to leave the room"

If mom continues then you need to carry on with the plan to move her to AL.
If mom continues then when you all go out as a family mom can stay at home. (as long as it is safe for her to be alone, if not she pays for a caregiver that will come in while you are away.)

Tough to do...Yes.
You set the same "rules" that you probably had when you were a child living in her home. Remember the phrase "MY HOUSE, MY RULES"

You say that these are ADULT kids. I cannot then imagine them "shriveling a bit" over this. You have raised them right, and then there is also the fact that your kids, as adults, are who they are. They will make their judgements for their own lives.

There is no need of argument with Mom. Everyone understands that she is who she is. And it should be met with a shrug of the shoulders and the words "She is who she is but we love her".

I don't see this as a deal breaker. But if you yourself are having a hard time living with Mom (for really, the adult kids will soon be flying the nest) then you should consider placement for her and getting on with your own life.

I sure wish you luck.

Does she have any medical reason for her behavior - dementia or ALZ? If so, unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it but redirect her or distract her when she does it. If she does, you may have to reconsider her living with you for the long term because the behaviors and the issues will only get worse.

If not, there are a couple of approaches. You are not likely to change her. You can try of course - even though we know it does no good, when my (raging narcissist) FIL makes his comments - we always call him on it. At least the most egregious. It's hard to ignore. He has chosen targets, so we have removed them. None of the grandchildren are around him without us. - they are all young adults. They have chosen to avoid him. Even when my nephew lived there, he stayed in his room or in any room where FIL was NOT. FIL lost the privilege of having time with his grandchildren. I don't know if that resonates with him, but I know he is embarrassed when people ask him about them and he has nothing to tell them - we hear him make things up. (for example, apparently my oldest is at school to be a sniper? I can assure you, she is NOT)

Does she only make comments to your kids? Or do her comments extend to unacceptable things in public? If I were you - I would sit your kids down and talk to them, give them complete permission to deal with it on their terms. Allow them the autonomy to avoid her if they choose. Allow them them the right to tell her that they don't appreciate it. Talk through options with them.

And if she does it in front of you - I guess as I've aged - my own filter has just broken - or my tolerance has - because when my FIL says things I just can't stop myself. I call him on things. He is a racist, sexist, homophobic, politically extreme, chauvinist, (add any other ist) and he will say whatever pops into his head. And we constantly tell him him that he can't say certain things and that he is wrong in private.

But in public - we let nature take it's course. He is almost 90. He is "competent" per the doctors. He is just narcissistic and has no filter and is always right. So he thinks everyone agrees with him. But after a certain age - when you make off-the- wall, unacceptable comments in public - people make certain assumptions about you. They assume that a person with mental capacity would know better than to make such comments and that the person MUST be mentally incompetent. So we just let them believe that. It makes things easier. We will apologize sadly and shake our heads and people will smile encouragingly and whisper that they understand, their (fill in the blank) has dementia/ALZ and they get it. Then they treat him like he is a lost child that is looking for their mother instead of an adult and it instantly deflates him and he stops talking because he doesn't understand what happened.

If telling her that she can't talk that way isn't working, and she is mentally competent, you have to weigh if you want to continue to have her in your home. If it is worth it to you. She is not going to change. How you deal with her is all that can change. We used to jump all over FIL when he said things in public and people thought WE were overreacting to an addled old man who couldn't control himself. So we changed our approach and went with public opinion. It works to our advantage. If she is competent, is there something that will stop her in her tracks? Something that you can do to turn it around on her or that your kids can say to stop the conversation when it starts? Or is it better to just walk away entirely and not engage.

I know it is hard for your kids. And you do need boundaries. Are those boundaries the door to your home? Are they making your kids off-limits? They are adults now - they can set their own boundaries too.

Good luck! The solution is different for everyone. But my mama bear comes out when someone messes with my kids. Even if it is their grandparent.

Sorry for your situation. Since this is your home with your rules, your mother needs to be moved out to her own place. I don't care if it was my own mother. Zero Tolerance. Her bad behavior does not gain yours and your kids respect. Contact your county on aging service to obtain a social worker and seek your mother's alternate shelter to remove her toxic environment from your home.

And, I've just spent 20 minutes going through comments and did not even read all of them. I see the views about unwarrented comments including politics. Your mother needs to stop or she will move out Now. Your mother needs to be moved out into a facility, not only for your sanity, but for your kids. Anger and rudeness can rub off to the kids and make them bullies in the society, repeating the cycle that skips a generation.