my mom who my husband and I live with in her house because she needs care and we sold our home to move in with her because she refused to leave her house which was a mistake for us to do because nothing but stress and trouble for us who are 70 yrs old and treats us like dirt and wants to fight and is violent when she drinks her multiple glasses of wine at dinner time. If we tell her nicely Mom you had enough she gets agitated and goes and gets the wine herself doesnt care if she falls. She now hides her drinking from us not knowing that we hear her getting the glass and gallon of wine bottle from closet then hides the glass. At times she gets drunk and becomes very violent and wants to fight with us for no reason. dont know what to do
Attend Al-Anon which will have excellent advice for you from those who have BEEN THERE, and will have resources for you to contact as well. They are invaluable for those trapped in your situation.
It is time to move. Do not assume POA or guardianship of Mom; leave that to the state. If you feel she is in danger leave her with the 911 number, and call APS yourself asking them to do a wellness check, telling them you have left and why.
That you sold your home is sad. I hope your savings are plumped up by the amount of the home sale that you can afford your own rental, but when bad decisions like this are made there are consequences and sadly not everything can be fixed up as it was.
I sure wish you luck. And remember, you cannot stop anyone from drinking. You will learn that at your first meeting of Al-Anon.
You don't have any obligation to care for a violent, ugly drunk.
Pack up, move out, and tell her exactly why. She's committing suicide by bottle, and she has every right to do so. Tell her to call 911 when she needs help.
Since you can't change her, then your only option is to change you and your circumstances. Find an apartment somewhere and move out. You have tried to care for her and save her and she has rejected your help. You have no moral obligation to remain in this situation and continue to try to help someone who refuses.
Beyond finding resources in your area for what I mentioned above, I can see nothing for you to do except stay out of her way, let her do what she's going to do without increasing her agitation. You can't control others, especially those who are substance-dependent. She'll likely find "causes" to attack you, even if you steer clear, but just, what?, walk away when you can or agree with her if the current moment finds you trapped. Do not argue.
I really feel for you. "No good deed goes unpunished." Happens waaaay too much in this world.
Stay strong. Big hugs.
Whatever the fact with drinking, it seems clear now that your plan to sell your own home and move in with Mom has not worked out. It very seldom does work for people.
You cannot force people to go to a doctor either. You CAN call an ambulance if they are drunk as alcohol poisoning happens with elders quite quickly. You can also call an ambulance to any serious acting out, have Mom transported to ER, contact Social Services and let them know she needs assessment for dementia.
But all in all what you CAN DO is very limited. And what you NEED to do is take care of yourself, find your own housing. In future you will need to decide if you wish POA or guardianship of your Mom. I myself would not, as I have done it for a with it and cooperative relative and it is fairly killing work.
You can only take care of yourself. To my mind that means moving. But you will have to make your own choices for yourselves. I wish you a lot of luck.
I would think she might have falls. If she does have her taken to the ER and refuse to take her home and make sure they are aware of her drinking. I agree with others. Don't live with her and attempt to not care about her future since she is so self sabotaging. A relatives decline can exhaust us even when they are not behaving poorly.
See All Answers