I have cared for my Mom since 1988 after Dad died. Mom never drove a car and depended on others all her life. She has been hateful to me all my life. My brother who has lived out of state since Dad died is the Perfect Son. He currently lives only 2 hrs away but chooses to visit her once every 4-6 weeks. I live 15 minutes away and am expected to run to her house 24/7 . I am retired I did not sign up for a lifetime caregiver for Mom. After many arguments w/ Mom and brother there is a caregiver coming 12 hrs a week. I am her health caregiver. Brother has financial care. He has neglected her lovely home for years. When he gets things fixed it is a cheap repair job. Her central air broke a few weeks ago. He Wanted to make several appts with people to come out and give estimates and expected me to run there while they checked it out. He fired the last lawn person because he wasn’t happy with their work and hired the neighbor. Now the neighbor has medical issues and can’t do the lawn. My bro “Told me to call the first co to come back and do the lawn” I am tired of his demands and Mom’s abuse. Told him it is His job to care for the home and repairs. I care for Mom medically. Mom acts like she can’t walk, hear and care for herself. Yet when my bro is there she is able to do everything herself. I called her on it she gets mad and says be good to your brother, he works hard. Or she plays dumb and says I can’t hear you. Mom refuses to follow any directions from Dr. The second I walk in her home she starts pretending she is crying and says I can’t do this and that and I need the mail, take the trash out for me etc. I can Never come to sit and say hi. I am only a free worker she can abuse. It has been 6+ weeks my bro is looking into Assisted Living for her. But Mom has no idea. I told him we both need to sit down with her and let her know she can’t live alone anymore. He refuses to tell her. I am ready to drive away and never return. I have Grandchildren I want to spend time with. Mom is a horrible selfish person. Please help.
As long as you continue to do whatever needs to be done, she will never come to the realization that in fact she cannot continue to live on her own, so stop enabling her today, and start enjoying those grandchildren, as they grow up very fats, and you can't ever get that time back with them.
Bottom line is, mom needs to be in an assisted living facility, and you need to get on with your life. So for now, start letting her calls go to voicemail, let her know that you will come only and if it's convenient for you. You deserve so much better, so start acting like you do.
Regardless, MomsBitch, you know what you need to do.
This move to an AL needs to be made. Six weeks is long enough time to find an AL. I would not tell Mom till close to the time she is to move. Then brother needs to tell her she is moving. The golden child needs to tell her because it may be taken better from him.
Once Mom is placed in an AL, you can set boundries. Most of her needs will be taken care of. She will have aides to care for her. 3 meals a day. Clean clothes. Socialization, activities, entertainment. You will just need to supply her with her personal needs like toiletries, Depends, ect. Keep receipts of what you supply and get reimbursed by brother. As long as Mom has money you should be reimbursed. You do not have to visit everyday. She needs to get used to the aides doing for her. If she calls you and ur not in the mood to talk, don't pick up the phone. The AL will call with any emergency. Remember, she needs you more than you need her. And remember, you have a brother. Revert her to him when u don't want to do something. Give yourself permission to say NO.
Good. Then you can bow out. Is there still a problem?
By the way - for God's sake stay out of it, you yourself. Don't tell your brother how to handle it. Don't get involved. And STOP being the alternative solution.
Sorry, I'd better explain that part too. Right, here it is. As long as you run yourself ragged on your mother's behalf, your mother CAN live alone. You have been proving this for 43 years. Don't blame your mother, don't blame your brother - forget blame, it is a deeply unhelpful and destructive waste of time and effort. Instead, focus purely on positive change.
Sorry, to explain that bit: do not approach this as something your mother has to be "forced" to accept. A) Actually she doesn't have to accept it. But B) Why shouldn't it be a good step for her to a place she will like? You seem to look on a move to assisted living as something you and your brother will almost physically have to bully your mother into. Wrong attitude. You find a good place that will suit her and then you invite her to take it up. If it's nice, why shouldn't she?
If she won't, that's up to her. It's her choice. What your mother *can't* choose is how you spend your time. Stop imagining she has powers that she really doesn't.