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I just recently went through this with two elderly parents. Mom - GP agreed to send a letter to DMV to have her retested. She failed. However, that came back on our relationships, so if GP would agree to keep it confidential that is best. They actually tried to do a freedom of information to see who reported them! My Dad was tricky. He could not see well, but refused to go to eye dr. The GP thing went bad before so we went through his Veterans Affairs and they were very good to see him and tell him he needed an eye exam. That was the end of his driving, and it wasn't as messy, though it was sad. It was the right thing. He was having accidents, paying people in cash. Couldn't hear. Couldn't see. You need to remember. If your parent has capacity. It is their decision unless GP gets involved. You cannot legally take someones keys or vehicle. They still have rights. Call your DMV for advice first. Then talk to the GP about your concerns. Ask if they can suggest a re-test. Keeping in mind, most re-tests are only an eye test and written test. Courses are much better that take them out on the road. I would suggest having a health professional discuss it with them. 95 is too old to be driving in my opinion. Too many factors involved.
it will be a challenge for me too with. my 88 yr old mom who can't hear and her range of motion is really bad plus her reaction time is bad. just a horrible idea for her to drive.... but the REAL issue is if she doesn't have a car, it affects those close to her to do all the grocery shopping and doctor appointments since she still lives in her home. this is what I explain to my family that they'll have to pitch in so much more. they don't want to so they allow her to continue to drive. it takes sacrifice on so many lives. I live in another state and WANT the chance to do this and can't.. they live near her and are too busy...sad...tough situation.
"but the REAL issue is if she doesn't have a car, it affects those close to her to do all the grocery shopping and doctor appointments since she still lives in her home. this is what I explain to my family that they'll have to pitch in so much more. they don't want to so they allow her to continue to drive. it takes sacrifice on so many lives. I live in another state and WANT the chance to do this and can't.. they live near her and are too busy...sad...tough situation."
Yes. I was the local one, so of course my out-of-state brothers thought our mother should stop driving. They didn't care what that would do to MY life. One brother didn't care, one thought she should stop, and the other one did a test drive with her when he was visiting and thought she was okay. My mother refused to use the area ride service, Uber or Lyft. *I* was the chauffeur. I had to put strict boundaries on it, and she was not happy. At least she didn't do much driving, never on a highway, and never at night.
Years ago my friend was broadsided by an elderly woman who didn’t need to be driving and who ran a stop sign. The wreck left my friend w many injuries and permanently disabled her little baby girl who was thrown from the vehicle despite being in a car seat. It was life changing. So much damage because that woman’s family wouldn’t stop her from driving.
It is not the responsibility of the family to stop her from driving. It is terrible what happened to your friend and so preventable. As children, we are also limited in what we can do legally. I can tell you, if I see an unsafe driver. I call and report it. We should all be doing the same.
While this doesn't directly answer your question, I think my next-door neighbor's children wondered this, too...and then just gave up. My neighbor is 94, lives by herself in a 2-story with only a half-bath downstairs. Her 3 children are not local. She has mobility issues (heart issue, too, I think?).
Back in November she backed her van down her long driveway and got stuck in Reverse, plowing into a neighbor's house across the cul-de-sac. She wasn't injured. She'd just gotten her driver's license renewed earlier that week. The van had a lot of damage, and we thought that would be it for her driving. She then went to a child's house for several months. When she came back, the broken van still sat in her driveway. At some point it was towed. But about a month or so ago it was back....fixed enough to drive! I've watched her, and she no longer backs out of the long driveway.
Still, though, I'm pretty sure she shouldn't be driving. When she sometimes goes to her daughter's house in another state, it's for months at a time, and I'm pretty sure she doesn't drive there.
Have a talk with her about the accident as to what happened, Was it a slow response, inattentiveness, indecisiveness, etc. If she won't face the fact that it was her fault, there are options. Have a conversation with her doctor. Most are willing to take the responsibility to tell them they can't drive anymore after doing a memory test or checking responses. If you don't want to go that route you can have her take a safety driving class & see if she passes. You might not have to do anything if her insurance cancels her policy.
So you are saying to not take the keys? Is there any way to get an immediate legal suspension of the license? Some people definitely can't wait the weeks or more before the DMV issues a determination.
Each individual circumstances are so unique that it varies from situation to situation and state to state and location to location. In our particular situation, she didn't have dementia so was still able and did call law enforcement. Law enforcement sided with her claims and made us return the keys as legally they were "stolen" from her. That might not have been so with advanced dementia or in another state/locale.
We ultimately disabled the car. That worked for us. Other solutions work for others. Maybe a free consult with an attorney can tell you what is available in your area.
All these answers with "Take the keys.". Is that even legal? I know how dangerous an advanced age driver is but I think you need to let the professionals decide, not you.
Your reasoning is why my answer tells the story of law enforcement involvement. We were told in no uncertain terms by local law enforcement to stop touching the keys. Disabling the car was also problematic but by the time it came to that, her dangerous driving was almost deadly. THAT we just couldn't let happen because she lived next door to a school.
Six states have doctors as mandatory reporters to DMV. That would be my first suggestion.
In the distant past, we tried taking the keys from a LO. She called law enforcement and we were instructed to return them. We tried to hide the keys and she called law enforcement again saying they were stolen. We again were instructed to give up the keys and told if it happened again, we could be cited.
Eventually she was cited for dangerous driving. We then disabled the car using compounded methods. Four mechanics and 6 house calls later they never did figure out what was wrong with the car. The house calls were a small price to pay to keep her off the road. After she died, we fixed the car for the estate and the family sold it -- made back all that was spent on the mechanic calls too.
The hardest thing I had to do was tell my husband he could not drive. He’s 72 and has vascular dementia. He was angry at me but was declining fast and getting lost. His driving skills were going down hill. I sold his truck and hid his keys to my car. He’s now in a long term care facility due to his severe decline and many falls. It’s very hard and heartbreaking but it’s necessary to save lives.
Take away the keys or report her to DMV, DMV can require that she pass all exams in order to keep her license. If she can't keep a license, sell her vehicle.
Our doctor made the decision and sent a letter to the motor vehicle to let her that he was unable to continue driving. We were sent a letter from them telling him he no longer had his license. This was discussed with him before she did it. Of course, he was not happy about it, but I refused to be in the car if he was driving. His perception of things and reaction time were declining..
My Grandmother went through this with my grandfather who still wanted to drive (doctor saying he was still competent to drive). Grammie told doctor if he feels Granddad is still competent then you ride with him as I am not. Doctor then signed papers to take Granddad’s license.
Does she accept that she caused it? I guess we were lucky on this subject my mom had a stroke that left her with aphasia, her motor function was and is fine but her ability to put words together…not so much and there is certainly some dementia in play as well but easier for her to put it on the stroke. Anyway she was never signed off on driving again and the speech therapist told her that reaction time was affected so she needed to go through a special course and test to get back on the road. Now she still had a valid license and once she was able to move back to her home, where her car was, she didn’t see any reason she couldn’t drive again. We told her that if she were to have an accident the other party could come after us, her children as being responsible because we knew about her stroke and allowed her to drive. That stopped her in her tracks, it was one thing taking on the responsibility herself but quite another risking our families.
It still comes up from time to time and we just point out silly reaction time issues she has or the fact that her eyesight has gotten so bad she thinks things are in front of her that aren’t all the time and laugh about the silly recent events, we use laughter a lot to lighten what could be depressing for her otherwise, her car is gone now but it did sit there in her driveway for a couple years with a dead battery she couldn’t jump or call someone to do it for her giving us control and she would just go sit in it sometimes but finally suggest we sell it so we did.
Giving up this independence is understandably hard, I’m not looking forward to it but these days it’s a bit easier to stop driving and keep some independence with local van service if they qualify, Uber, Lyft and some areas have a ride share specifically for seniors or an aid that will drive them around. While you or I are perfectly willing and will do a fair amount of course often for them having the ability to get around without having to call on their kids or family makes them feel more independent. Setting up some of these services and encouraging her to try/use them before suggesting giving up driving entirely might help her decide for herself she should and can give up the car. It’s worth a shot because letting her come to that conclusion is going be far easier than forcing it on her. Good luck!
If the car is not a classic I would just break it. Before putting my mom in her SNF I contacted the DMV and her doctors about her dementia. She passed with flying colors so they did not revoke her license. I did not want to risk her harming herself or someone else so I had a mechanic buddy disable the car for me.
If she passed a driving test "with flying colors", her drivers license wasn't revoked and her doctor did not declare her unable to drive... by what authority did you deliberately disable her car? Your concern doesn't justify an illegal act. Was there no way you could get her cooperation? If she finds out, I hope she doesn't press charges. (I would!)
I was once almost hit by a 90 something year old that ran a stop sign! It was like she was in another world.
I would have a heart to heart talk with your mother see if she will stop driving. Tell her the serious dangers to herself and others. Tell her that being driven around by others is a luxury and a joy!
What state does your mother live in? Check with that state motor vehicle department. They probably have a webpage detailing your exact issue and what you, her doctor or the police can do. I think though if there are no medical conditions (dementia may be one) then advanced age does not matter at all if she still wants to drive.
Her family physician can have her easily banned from driving. Contact him or her in advance of your appointment (if appt is necessary) and give them the info. This also takes the heat off of you.
A physician can file a report with the local driver's licensing authorities and the license pulled, but sadly that does not stop all seniors from getting behind the wheel and driving.
Quitting driving is a big deal for anyone. I had been planting seeds with my mother to stop driving for two years before she finally decided give it up at age 92. She could barely see over the steering wheel. She said that she started to get nervous thinking about driving. So she decided to give it up.
If they hurt themselves, it affects you, and other loved ones. If they hurt another person, that affects more people. Quitting driving isn't the end of the world, she will be safer. Keep talking with her about it and come up with other transportation options. One of her transportation options is probably going to be you and soon after, you will end up being her only transportation option. :)
"One of her transportation options is probably going to be you and soon after, you will end up being her only transportation option."
Oh, yes! My mother said she would stop driving when she reached 90 years old. She didn't, and I didn't push it. She only drove short distances (never highways) during the day. One of my brothers (all out of state, of course) felt she shouldn't be driving, one went driving with her during a visit and thought she was okay, and the third didn't care. She finally told me she would not drive anymore, and from that day on I became her chauffeur (or, as I used to write, "Dummy Daughter Driver." She considered me stupid, my time worthless, and a bad person). She would not consider any other mode of transportation. When I set limits, she got angry. She could have let me do her grocery shopping when I did my own, but no, she had to come along (it took hours then). I couldn't be trusted to get the absolute best piece of produce, the latest-dated milk, etc. If she'd let me do it without her, she could have gotten occasional rides to the mall where she used to walk and get some socialization. She refused to ever learn how to use a computer, and refused to use her tracphone. She couldn't hear well, and refused to get hearing aids. So Uber/Lyft wouldn't have worked. It was me or nothing. And I resented it. It was never just a ride -- everything took hours.
Strongly urge her Dr. to do a mental status exam & tell her she is no longer capable of driving If that fails, take away the keys to the car. Tell her you will report her to the DMV. Sign her up for LYFT or UBER to take her places & bring her home. Chances are if she had an accident, she would injure someone else. Sometimes you just have to be the "bad guy".
We were in the same situation with my mother-in-law who was only in her 70s but was legally blind because of macular degeneration. She knew to never drive at night, but she still drove during the day. She bought a big SUV because she said it made her feel safer. We told her "*YOU* might feel safe, but what about that person or pet you kill?" We stopped driving with her. We told her she really shouldn't drive because she had so many (minor) accidents like running into medians and stop signs and into ditches. She got her truck stuck twice and had to be towed out. Her truck would always have new scrapes and dents on it. When she had her 5th accident (she ran into an open car door and knocked it clear off the hinges) we told her she needed to stop driving. She said none of the accidents were her fault "except one" and that even the responding police officer to the car door accident told her she was not at fault and let her go. We took her keys from her and her response was to threaten to call the police if we didn't bring them back. We told her to go for it. It was a really ugly situation. What saved us was that she was really bad about paying her bills and eventually the truck got repossessed by the bank. She never asked for a new car after that, thank goodness. She is lucky she didn't kill anyone.
Sell it if you have POA or file a report to DMV, telling them reasons you feel as a family member that she shouldn't be driving. Exaggerate if you feel the need to get her off the road before she kills herself or someone else. DMV will call her in for a test, which she probably won't pass and they'll pull her license to drive. If she happen to pass, which is doubtful, have a mechanic or knowledgable person to "fix" her car so it doesn't start when she's not aware.
"DMV will call her in for a test, which she probably won't pass and they'll pull her license to drive." It most likely won't matter as she'll probably just drive without a license.
Even a healthy and mentally alert 95 year old still has slower responses and is in no way a safe driver.
She just caused an accident. Please do not wait until she has killed someone to stop her from driving.
She will be furious but will get over it. Thankfully after several accidents my dad willingly gave up his keys. He lived several states away at this time otherwise I would have taken them.
When my mom resisted the idea of giving up her car keys, we disabled the car unbeknown to her. So when she tried to go somewhere the car did not start. We played it off as the motor went out and we had to order a new motor. It worked, no one got yelled at and she was not having a fit. Eventually she said nothing about the car or driving. Hope this helps.
Many states have some form of communication that allows you to express concern to the DMV regarding an elder driver. Once they receive that, they follow up, maybe require extra testing or a doctor's exam.
Or talk to your Mom's doctor about your concerns.
Our doctor had a heart-to-heart with my Dad, telling my Dad he would contact the DMV if my Dad continued to drive. My Dad had a key hidden and still went for a spin once in a while until he got a $200 ticket for running a red light. He really hated paying that ticket and stopped driving.
The following is a good article from AARP about older drivers. Sometimes when I see these posts on stopping elders from driving, I think we fall into a bit of ageism.
The statistics are better than you might think for older drivers.
The thing that was most surprising to me was the suggestion to update the auto to one with features that are safer for older drivers.
I agree that 95 is pretty old to be driving but some of the suggestions might help your 95 yr old make more appropriate decisions for herself.
elderly drivers have more car accidents than any other age other than teens. However, even though that is serious enough, given their age they are twice as likely to be seriously injured and 5X more likely to die from an accident. CDC and AAA offer these statistics online. Statistics from every source I have read offers the same information.
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Yes. I was the local one, so of course my out-of-state brothers thought our mother should stop driving. They didn't care what that would do to MY life. One brother didn't care, one thought she should stop, and the other one did a test drive with her when he was visiting and thought she was okay. My mother refused to use the area ride service, Uber or Lyft. *I* was the chauffeur. I had to put strict boundaries on it, and she was not happy. At least she didn't do much driving, never on a highway, and never at night.
Back in November she backed her van down her long driveway and got stuck in Reverse, plowing into a neighbor's house across the cul-de-sac. She wasn't injured. She'd just gotten her driver's license renewed earlier that week. The van had a lot of damage, and we thought that would be it for her driving. She then went to a child's house for several months. When she came back, the broken van still sat in her driveway. At some point it was towed. But about a month or so ago it was back....fixed enough to drive! I've watched her, and she no longer backs out of the long driveway.
Still, though, I'm pretty sure she shouldn't be driving. When she sometimes goes to her daughter's house in another state, it's for months at a time, and I'm pretty sure she doesn't drive there.
Next time her accident might be out in traffic...
No, not at all.
Each individual circumstances are so unique that it varies from situation to situation and state to state and location to location. In our particular situation, she didn't have dementia so was still able and did call law enforcement. Law enforcement sided with her claims and made us return the keys as legally they were "stolen" from her. That might not have been so with advanced dementia or in another state/locale.
We ultimately disabled the car. That worked for us. Other solutions work for others. Maybe a free consult with an attorney can tell you what is available in your area.
Good luck whatever you choose.
In the distant past, we tried taking the keys from a LO. She called law enforcement and we were instructed to return them. We tried to hide the keys and she called law enforcement again saying they were stolen. We again were instructed to give up the keys and told if it happened again, we could be cited.
Eventually she was cited for dangerous driving. We then disabled the car using compounded methods. Four mechanics and 6 house calls later they never did figure out what was wrong with the car. The house calls were a small price to pay to keep her off the road. After she died, we fixed the car for the estate and the family sold it -- made back all that was spent on the mechanic calls too.
I’m surprised FL isn’t one of those states!
It still comes up from time to time and we just point out silly reaction time issues she has or the fact that her eyesight has gotten so bad she thinks things are in front of her that aren’t all the time and laugh about the silly recent events, we use laughter a lot to lighten what could be depressing for her otherwise, her car is gone now but it did sit there in her driveway for a couple years with a dead battery she couldn’t jump or call someone to do it for her giving us control and she would just go sit in it sometimes but finally suggest we sell it so we did.
Giving up this independence is understandably hard, I’m not looking forward to it but these days it’s a bit easier to stop driving and keep some independence with local van service if they qualify, Uber, Lyft and some areas have a ride share specifically for seniors or an aid that will drive them around. While you or I are perfectly willing and will do a fair amount of course often for them having the ability to get around without having to call on their kids or family makes them feel more independent. Setting up some of these services and encouraging her to try/use them before suggesting giving up driving entirely might help her decide for herself she should and can give up the car. It’s worth a shot because letting her come to that conclusion is going be far easier than forcing it on her. Good luck!
I would have a heart to heart talk with your mother see if she will stop driving. Tell her the serious dangers to herself and others. Tell her that being driven around by others is a luxury and a joy!
What state does your mother live in? Check with that state motor vehicle department. They probably have a webpage detailing your exact issue and what you, her doctor or the police can do. I think though if there are no medical conditions (dementia may be one) then advanced age does not matter at all if she still wants to drive.
She said that she started to get nervous thinking about driving. So she decided to give it up.
If they hurt themselves, it affects you, and other loved ones. If they hurt another person, that affects more people. Quitting driving isn't the end of the world, she will be safer.
Keep talking with her about it and come up with other transportation options. One of her transportation options is probably going to be you and soon after, you will end up being her only transportation option. :)
Oh, yes! My mother said she would stop driving when she reached 90 years old. She didn't, and I didn't push it. She only drove short distances (never highways) during the day. One of my brothers (all out of state, of course) felt she shouldn't be driving, one went driving with her during a visit and thought she was okay, and the third didn't care. She finally told me she would not drive anymore, and from that day on I became her chauffeur (or, as I used to write, "Dummy Daughter Driver." She considered me stupid, my time worthless, and a bad person). She would not consider any other mode of transportation. When I set limits, she got angry. She could have let me do her grocery shopping when I did my own, but no, she had to come along (it took hours then). I couldn't be trusted to get the absolute best piece of produce, the latest-dated milk, etc. If she'd let me do it without her, she could have gotten occasional rides to the mall where she used to walk and get some socialization. She refused to ever learn how to use a computer, and refused to use her tracphone. She couldn't hear well, and refused to get hearing aids. So Uber/Lyft wouldn't have worked. It was me or nothing. And I resented it. It was never just a ride -- everything took hours.
Chances are if
she had an accident, she would injure someone else. Sometimes you just have to be the "bad guy".
Set her up with an uber account.
She just caused an accident. Please do not wait until she has killed someone to stop her from driving.
She will be furious but will get over it. Thankfully after several accidents my dad willingly gave up his keys. He lived several states away at this time otherwise I would have taken them.
Its hard but necessary.
Or talk to your Mom's doctor about your concerns.
Our doctor had a heart-to-heart with my Dad, telling my Dad he would contact the DMV if my Dad continued to drive. My Dad had a key hidden and still went for a spin once in a while until he got a $200 ticket for running a red light. He really hated paying that ticket and stopped driving.
Sometimes when I see these posts on stopping elders from driving, I think we fall into a bit of ageism.
The statistics are better than you might think for older drivers.
The thing that was most surprising to me was the suggestion to update the auto to one with features that are safer for older drivers.
I agree that 95 is pretty old to be driving but some of the suggestions might help your 95 yr old make more appropriate decisions for herself.
https://www.aarp.org/auto/driver-safety/info-2021/older-drivers-fewer-accidents.html