Both my elderly parents 87 and 85 have caregivers during the day and a few hours in the evening. They also have someone for five hours on the weekends. I committed to one day midweek to be their caregiver. Just before the weekend I start to stress and worry that I get a call that the caregiver will call out and the agency has no one who could fill in which is why I found a group of skilled aids who are used to fill-in privately. I am 56 and have two children in middle school. I worry about missing out on their weekend activities in case there is no one to cover helping out and my parents. My brother has been temporarily staying there since my dad‘s fall also does not want to place them in AL. Unfortunately I feel that this will be my life going forward having to constantly worry plus I live an hour drive away so I’m not totally nearby to fill-in. My dad is very adamant and does not want to go into assisted living, and my mom has vascular dementia. The worrying makes me sick to my stomach and I feel that I will never be able to make plans on the weekend with my husband/kids or go away for weekend since I feel like I need to always be on standby. Appreciate any suggestions.
If the care giver does not show up, that does not mean you have to stop everything, cancel your plans and step up.
If Mum and Dad need 24/7 care it is not your responsibility to provide it, nor your brother's.
If they only have care for 5 hours a day on the weekend, that means they are on their own for 19 hours each day.
Have you had a full assessment of their needs and abilities? That is where I would start.
One you have that information you and your brother will be in a better place to assess if they can receive the level of care they need at home.
If your brother does not feel they need assisted living, and they may need a higher level of care, is he prepared to continue to stay with them to meet any gaps in hours?
That can be the biggest hurdle. So well done you, Dad & Mom to accept. Oh & Brother for not taking the rediculous stance of you're the girl so you have to be the carer... Or.. is there an undercurrent of that?
I have a relative requiing daily home help. I also offered one day a week, like you. (This was after some time in the trenches at beck & call learning how to set some boundaries 🙃)
The aides would regularly cancel on weekends, or public holidays. I was them called to fill in.
I started to get anxious every weekend, call or not. Would rush by breakfast & shower in case. Wasn't sure if I could make commitments for myself. There's more to the story of how & who was cancelling but one day I decided *enough*. I couldn't live like that. I was back at beck & call, to a care agency! So a 2nd agency was arranged as backup.
That's what I suggest you do. Be signed up with a 2nd agency. It may not be perfect of course, getting a new person who doesn't know their routine etc.
Stick to your one day for your folks. Block out the weekend time for your own kids.
If this caregiving thing doesn't work for YOU, then it doesn't work.
"I can't commit more than one day aweek to this venture; if that doeant work, you'll have to make other arrangements".
As women, we are trained from birth to give in, please others and lend a helping hand. It's high time you stood up for yourself.
And if the menfolk get mad--so what?
Inconvenient or a real safety concern?
No help getting dressed, to wash, have a hot meal served, be driven somewhere?
Or unable to get out of bed, get any sort of meal, water, meds, continence care?
My relative has decided staying home is priority one so she is willing to accept no care on occassion, even though this results in staying home, missing appointments, staying unwashed & undressed. Not ideal, but as she can do food & meds, is not so dangerous.
Unfortunately, you are right. More times than not something bad has to happen before a "stubborn" senior will accept that their situation has to change for their own safety and well being.
Provide her with the relief staff contacts, and ask that she not 'call out' unless she has someone arriving in her place for her shift, before calling you to let you know?
As a temporary secretary (volunteering) for a nursing staffing company, getting the no-show errant nurse to call back; and also getting the relief person to answer and agree to go was a tense time. When I called the missing nurses, I left messages to call back and answer if they wanted to be taken OFF the scheduling. And that they would need to counsel with the owner to be put back on the schedule.
The nurses started to take the schedule more seriously. But being the in-between person was really hard. So I understand your concerns about your making plans and about being on standby. It is good you have a list of willing aides to stand by. That is really smart!
If you have covered all the bases, there can be less worry. 🤗
Being strict, I would also suggest the nurse to go there and wait for a relief aide to show up to relieve her shift, if possible. That is if no one has been found.
Maybe after some successful weekends you can start to enjoy your family time.
If there was at all enough money to go around, I would schedule 2 caregivers to come on the weekends. 1) 8 a.m. -11:00 a.m., and 2) 10:30 a.m. - 2:30 p.m.
See All Answers