I have been struggling with this issue for awhile now, and wondered how others handle this very touchy situation. My mom has moderate dementia, is physically able to do most things, however, driving her car could be dangerous to herself and others..I am afraid I have been a chicken about approaching this, so in March, even though I knew her tags were expiring, I did nothing about it. In April, her drivers license expired but I did not tell her. Her car has been garaged here all winter and because it is a sports car, she has not even started it since September. The last time she drove she got lost 6 blocks from the house, and I had to go find her and have her follow me home. Now that it is spring, she wants to get her car out, and the other day, she tried to start it (I was not home) and the battery is dead. This is an old BMW Z3 that is in bad shape. She has tape around the rear view mirrors to hold them up, and tape on the rear right tail light! She thinks she is such a good driver and is proud of this car...wow....She wants me to try and get the battery out and have it replaced...I have talked to her doctor about this and he has not really been very helpful..The last thing I need is for her to drive and hurt herself, or worse..someone else. Can anyone help me figure out how I am going to approach this? I am the primary caregiver with no other siblings (my brother died 3 years ago) so I know it is up to me. She is going to really throw a huge fit over this, I know. She is seriously beyond reasoning this out....Help.....
It doesn't take a day, weeks or longer to disable a vehicle.
her right one and we were concerned that her muscle car would have to be off
limits after that. Since she was such a very thrifty person (raised way before the depression), we appealed to her sense of thrift . My mom let her her know that the amputation would have to be reported to her insurance company, and it would probably cost her a fortune to get insured after the surgery. She gave up driving
after thinking about that angle. A sports car would be very costly insurance if
one accident occured.
Try the angle-or every angle- that you think would get your mom's attention.
Is there a family member who would like to fix up the sports car who she
could be helping? My aunt sold her car dirt cheap to a young couple in the
family and it helped them out while solving our driving issue.
Sometimes they just need a valid reason that they can tell friends and others. Something other than too old or their mind can't handle it anymore.
Taking her out to with you to try to start a disabled car several times might
get it into her head as well. Try every angle.......but keep them off the road
when necessary to protect the elder and all of us.
It's a shame that her Dr. isn't very helpful. I depended upon my dad's Dr. to be the bad guy in advising that my dad not drive anymore. I called the Dr.'s office prior to my dad's appointment (is was with his cardiologist) and told them that I could use their help in getting my dad off the roads. So it was my dad's Dr. who told him that he needed to give up driving. I used to use my dad's Dr.'s for all kinds of things!
It was very hard on my dad, as it is on anyone. He became down. I tried to get him out of the house as much as I could but it wasn't the same for him. We went back and forth for weeks on the issue and each time I tried to stay calm and imagine myself if my dad's shoes. How would I feel?
My suggestion would be to get the Dr. in on this but if you've tried that and it hasn't worked is there another Dr. you could enlist the help of? Is there someone your mom respects, someone she'd listen to? A minister? A friend?
Getting our loved ones to stop driving is a process. At least that was my experience. When my mom was alive we all suggested she stop driving. She had had cancer, had a lung removed, and was in a deep depression and staying in bed all day. We begged her to give up driving but she refused. One day she was meeting someone at the movies and had an accident. It was her fault and she was sued. It was a mess. And I think it damaged her more than just giving up her keys would have. I also used this experience when I tried to get my dad to stop driving.
When my dad finally did stop driving it was very difficult on him emotionally. I told him that I would take him anywhere he wanted to go but that wasn't the point. It never did get easier for him and while he did give up his keys he never really bounced back 100% from that.
Kerrikans, just start a dialogue with your mom. Remember, it's not going to happen in one day. You might have to go over it a number of times. With a dead battery and an expired license she's not going to peel out of the driveway today so you have a little time. I'm not sure if our elderly loved ones can be talked into not driving anymore. It's a milestone of old age, giving up driving, and most elderly folks would rather saw their arm off than do it. It's very symbolic of where they are in their life and most dig in their heels. You need reinforcements or this will just become an ongoing argument between the two of you.
Doesn't the license bureau offer classes to seniors to see if they are still able to drive or am I making that up? For some reason that's ringing a bell and it just now popped into my brain. Hmmm.....