You have accurately noted that she is having anxiety.
Please consult with her primary care doctor about medications or for a referral to a geriatric psychiatrist. She may need adjustments in her medications. Be aware that psych meds can take a few days or weeks to be most effective - ask the doctor about how long this will take.
In the meantime, try non-medication strategies as well as medications. Try to distract her from her "do-loop" of questions with activities or other topics of conversation. It also helps to keep her to a consistent routine in a consistent environment. You might make a large schedule and post it where she can clearly see it near a clock. When she asks "what do I do next," refer her to the clock and the schedule.
It’s so difficult. I didn’t realize how scared it made my husband to feel so lost. I wish I had been more patient with all the questions. Now he’s gone and I’m beating myself up. God Bless you and your mom💜
Perhaps a large and pretty Home Sweet Home sign may help. In a car, keep paper, a marker and tape and simply indicated Grocery store, or Drug Store, or Park and tape it to the dash board in front of her.
I heard of a caregiver that suspended (thumb tacked/push pinned) a huge sign (half a bed sheet) from the ceiling over the foot of a dementia suffering loved one's bed, to be seen first thing upon waking, (and not too low that it blocks her from clearly viewing the other side of the room), saying: "You're Betty, my sweet mom. "You are HOME". (could say; Safe at Home) "I love you, I'm always nearby, your Janet" Print whatever works for you and her. It could simply say - I love you mom, I'm so happy we're home.
Rather than letting her lead you, you can say you're so funny mom, we are home and then play pleasant melodies like Younger than Springtime from the movie South Pacific, or Wouldn't it be Loverly from My Fair Lady https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wwMvriFYLo. Get the lyrics and sing along as it plays.
If you can, get her a mechanic purring stuffed animal, it may be comforting to her. Try to find an organization that will help you get one for free. Is she a veteran. Call them and every organization anyway even just to ask for advice.
When my husband was dying, in the final stages of brain cancer, he would ask me that over and over even thought he was in his own bedroom. He’d ask “when can I go home?” I kept trying to explain that he was home but I finally gave up and just started to tell him he could go home as soon as he was better but I’d stay with him until then. I began to realize how terrifying that must be to not know where you were. Your brain is like any other part of your body, when it’s not functioning you can’t do what you used to. Your mom has no idea that she’s asked you that question just a moment ago and she may feel real anxiety about where she is. As a caregiver it’s just something you have to cope with and not let it bother you. I know it can be very trying, but if she is in the late stages you won’t have to deal with it that much longer.
She is doing this because she is scared snd everything seems unfamiliar and confusing. Put in some of her favorite music from long ago, spray her favorite scents, etc. to give her an emotional “handrail” to feel safe.
I would bring up Lawrence Welk on YouTube yo south my parents because they used to love that show.
First of all, you really should get some professional homecare services. No one should ever be the sole caregiver to any elderly person with Alzheimer's/dementia alone with no help. I was an in-home caregiver for almost 25 years and worked for many people in varying stages of Alzheimer's and every other kind of dementia. When they get themselves into a dementia loop (the repeating and asking the same question over and over) the only way to break the loop is to ignore the topic. If she is past the stage where she can be redirected, then just stop answering her. Tell her a few times where she is then no more. Eventually she will break out of the repeating loop. I find that giving the person something colorful to play helps with agitation and repeating. I had one client who's niece was into arts and crafts. She made her this quilted cloth book. It had all kinds of colors and textures and pictures in it. The client loved it. When she'd start up with repeating and agitation, she'd get 1mg of liquid lorazepam and her quilted book and she'd be good for several hours.
Unfortunately some of us are sole caregivers by default. My mother is terribly difficult to deal with. Her attitude is mean and hateful. I have only one sibling who is disabled and unable to help in any way. My mother can’t afford a part time in home caregiver to help me. So I am her caregiver by default. It’s terribly depressing dealing with her insults, name calling, derogatory remarks, etc. 😢
IT IS THE DISEASE. I get that now from my BIL who is only 65yrs because his short term memory is gone. Just answer the questions then try to change the subject to talk about something else. This is what we have learned from my BIL and yes it works. Try to get them talking about what makes them happy. My BIL has been like this now for about 3yrs. So we have a long road ahead of us.
Back in my 1960s childhood, my folks would say repeating words and questions sounds like a broken record. However, your mother does not compare to this concept because she is not well and should be in memory care to give you a break.
U could have a take recorder record your response. Set for it to report or use Siri - Amazon where as every time she asks Siri will repeat it for u guys. Smile. So u won’t hear it put her In her room.
I’m sorry I just don’t get taken additional meds when u already have an issue. To me. Again I say to me it doesn’t work it makes matters worse just my thoughts. Just go with the flow she can’t help it. Not being disrespectful but u never know how ur going to turn out plus if mom has it keep check on urself. Hug mom. Tell her u love her and ur fine. Fine something she looks or liked doing. Find pictures something maybe therapy. Sometimes ppl just need to talk it out. Just bc ur up in age doesn’t mean u can’t communicate per se’
No, Candyapple. It's not the same thing. True sometimes people do need to just talk it out. A person with dementia who has become fixated on something get themselves into a loop and will repeat the same sentence or question over and over again to infinity unless the loop gets broken. You break break a dementia loop by redirecting their attention onto something else (when possible) and ignoring the topic of it. I've learned this from 25 years of experience being alone in a home with dementia clients that would hour after hour repeat the same sentence or question every few minutes. Being condescending to the OP and saying that she doesn't know how she will turn out and just hug her and tell her she loves her is an insult. I've known people that became the sole caregiver to an elderly loved one with dementia. The best, most loving, patient and compassionate people anyone could ever meet. But, being alone in this kind of care 24/7 will create the conditions for the perfect storm - elder abuse. Always bring in outside help. My friend "Jane" is a good woman. She moved her mother with Alzheimer's into her house a few years ago. She didn't want or expect anyone to help because she thought she could do it all on her own. Her life has been 24/7 diaper changing, dementia loops, and snide comments. One day last year she lost control and got physical (her mother was not injured). She called me beside herself. I went there and told her it's time to let people help. I called a couple of CNA's I've worked with who were planning to work for me anyway once our agency is up and running. They started coming in seven nights a week. Mom got put into adult day care six days a week. We're lucky in my area we have adult day care that can handle clients in basically every stage of dementia. They even offer showers (when needed), haircuts, and a travelling nail clinic comes. What finally put my friend over the edge was the repeating. They needed outside help. Everyone does when they're dealing with a senior that has dementia.
Get connected with a local social worker and see if there are any resources to help you get some breaks from caregiving and to help you learn what to expect when caring for a person with dementia. Your mother may be eligible for some in-home care through Medicare/Medicaid. There are also programs to pay family caregivers. Your mother may also be eligible for durable medical equipment, such as walkers, wheel chair, geri chair, that can also help with your mother's care. It is not humanly possible to be a 24/7 caregiver. Your mother's repetitive questions are very typical of dementia. People with dementia often have anxiety and lose their sense of space and time. Their minds sometimes go in a loop and they replay the same thing over and over. She can't help it. Her mind is changing and her mental capabilities are declining. Try to learn to compartmentalize your mind so that you are not reacting emotionally to the caregiving requirements. Practice empathy, and understanding for her declining condition (mentally and physically) and try to answer her patiently and respectfully in a reassuring way that will relieve her anxieties about not remembering where she is. Yes, you'll probably repeat the same answers over and over again. Have a plan in case there comes a time when you are no longer able to care for your mother by yourself. Her physical condition may decline to the point where she cannot walk, cannot verbalize, cannot feed herself...she may need assistance toileting, transferring from bed to wheelchair. Her basic options are in-home caregivers or moving to an assisted living/memory care/skilled nursing facility. Much will depend on her finances. The social worker and other senior networks will be able to advise. If you decide to request in-home caregivers, lock up your valuables and personal papers. All the best to you and your mother.
If I were in this situation, and my Mother could still see and read, I would consider making a (very simple) book that had words and pictures. When she asks the question, give her the book that says on the cover, "Where is _______ (your Mom's name)?" The next page maybe shows a picture of her and her current residence (or room), her address and her primary caregiver, and says, "You are safe! You are loved! I am taking good care of you." After those pages you can put other stuff in there if you think she'd read it and maybe it would distract her for a while. Biographies and family photos aren't always helpful if the LO doesn't really remember any of it... If I were desperate I'd try this. Or, a busy book/pillow for people with dementia that you can find on Amazon.com.
Two of my Aunts did what your Mom is doing. It was a phase and didn't last but how long it will go on depends on each person. Hang in there!
Teepa Snow videos on YT will help you understand and give you some methods of dealing with things. Her older videos are more informative. I play a game with the repeat questions. My Mom has gotten to recognize the cadence of my rapidly shot off repeat answer..so, when I make up something off the wall, she actually recognizes that it's odd. I cheap way to make her laugh
Try to use distraction techniques like offering a snack or to change the subject. You can repeat yourself till you're blue in the face but the data won't sink in to mom's brain, so she'll keep asking the same questions, stuck in a loop of thought patterns.
Get care givers in to spell you so you can leave the scene daily and find respite. Or look into Memory Care Assisted Living now. My mother did fine for nearly 3 years in Memory Care and had wonderful caregivers who doted on her.
In your shoes I would find a simple answer to mom's question and then put on repeat. Meaning that every time she asks, you repeat verbatim the answer. My mom asks incessantly where's my cats I haven't seen them for days. I answer that all your cats are in the house safe and sound. Over and over. It takes no thought, no stress, no crazy! Eventually the questions lull, and when they start back I just go on auto repeat again. Maybe say something simple such as you're here at my house for a while until you feel better.
I feel for you! It can be exasperating. But since your mother is not going to stop asking one option is for you to just change the way you respond. I hope it helps.
She lives with you? Read up on "grey blocking." Walk out of the room? Put something in front of her to visually stimulate her? Or put music on for her? Headphones? My Mom does some of this when I am on the phone with her... Sometimes I ignore. Sometimes I explain... Depends on my mood.
Please consult with her primary care doctor about medications or for a referral to a geriatric psychiatrist. She may need adjustments in her medications. Be aware that psych meds can take a few days or weeks to be most effective - ask the doctor about how long this will take.
In the meantime, try non-medication strategies as well as medications. Try to distract her from her "do-loop" of questions with activities or other topics of conversation. It also helps to keep her to a consistent routine in a consistent environment. You might make a large schedule and post it where she can clearly see it near a clock. When she asks "what do I do next," refer her to the clock and the schedule.
Perhaps a large and pretty Home Sweet Home sign may help.
In a car, keep paper, a marker and tape and simply indicated Grocery store, or Drug Store, or Park and tape it to the dash board in front of her.
I heard of a caregiver that suspended (thumb tacked/push pinned) a huge sign (half a bed sheet) from the ceiling over the foot of a dementia suffering loved one's bed, to be seen first thing upon waking, (and not too low that it blocks her from clearly viewing the other side of the room), saying:
"You're Betty, my sweet mom.
"You are HOME". (could say; Safe at Home)
"I love you, I'm always nearby, your Janet"
Print whatever works for you and her. It could simply say - I love you mom, I'm so happy we're home.
Rather than letting her lead you, you can say you're so funny mom, we are home and then play pleasant melodies like Younger than Springtime from the movie South Pacific, or Wouldn't it be Loverly from My Fair Lady https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wwMvriFYLo.
Get the lyrics and sing along as it plays.
If you can, get her a mechanic purring stuffed animal, it may be comforting to her. Try to find an organization that will help you get one for free. Is she a veteran. Call them and every organization anyway even just to ask for advice.
I'm sorry for your heartbreak and stress.
Or talk to us.😊
Idk, we made up a list of questions& answers once, but it only worked for a while. big hugs!!
I would bring up Lawrence Welk on YouTube yo south my parents because they used to love that show.
I was an in-home caregiver for almost 25 years and worked for many people in varying stages of Alzheimer's and every other kind of dementia.
When they get themselves into a dementia loop (the repeating and asking the same question over and over) the only way to break the loop is to ignore the topic.
If she is past the stage where she can be redirected, then just stop answering her. Tell her a few times where she is then no more. Eventually she will break out of the repeating loop.
I find that giving the person something colorful to play helps with agitation and repeating. I had one client who's niece was into arts and crafts. She made her this quilted cloth book. It had all kinds of colors and textures and pictures in it. The client loved it. When she'd start up with repeating and agitation, she'd get 1mg of liquid lorazepam and her quilted book and she'd be good for several hours.
Prayers to you and your mom.
Still, though -- how did you come to be the sole caretaker?
You break break a dementia loop by redirecting their attention onto something else (when possible) and ignoring the topic of it. I've learned this from 25 years of experience being alone in a home with dementia clients that would hour after hour repeat the same sentence or question every few minutes.
Being condescending to the OP and saying that she doesn't know how she will turn out and just hug her and tell her she loves her is an insult.
I've known people that became the sole caregiver to an elderly loved one with dementia. The best, most loving, patient and compassionate people anyone could ever meet. But, being alone in this kind of care 24/7 will create the conditions for the perfect storm - elder abuse. Always bring in outside help.
My friend "Jane" is a good woman. She moved her mother with Alzheimer's into her house a few years ago. She didn't want or expect anyone to help because she thought she could do it all on her own. Her life has been 24/7 diaper changing, dementia loops, and snide comments. One day last year she lost control and got physical (her mother was not injured). She called me beside herself. I went there and told her it's time to let people help. I called a couple of CNA's I've worked with who were planning to work for me anyway once our agency is up and running. They started coming in seven nights a week. Mom got put into adult day care six days a week. We're lucky in my area we have adult day care that can handle clients in basically every stage of dementia. They even offer showers (when needed), haircuts, and a travelling nail clinic comes.
What finally put my friend over the edge was the repeating.
They needed outside help. Everyone does when they're dealing with a senior that has dementia.
Two of my Aunts did what your Mom is doing. It was a phase and didn't last but how long it will go on depends on each person. Hang in there!
I play a game with the repeat questions. My Mom has gotten to recognize the cadence of my rapidly shot off repeat answer..so, when I make up something off the wall, she actually recognizes that it's odd. I cheap way to make her laugh
Get care givers in to spell you so you can leave the scene daily and find respite. Or look into Memory Care Assisted Living now. My mother did fine for nearly 3 years in Memory Care and had wonderful caregivers who doted on her.
Best of luck with a difficult situation
I feel for you! It can be exasperating. But since your mother is not going to stop asking one option is for you to just change the way you respond. I hope it helps.