How do others handle being ignored by adult Grandchildren?

First - if you lead with guilt, you will continue to be ignored.

I am an adult - i had two grandmothers. One was interested in ME - her phone calls TO me centered around how i was, what was i doing - she offered support and care and humor. As i grew up i matured and started initiating calls to her. We had a mutual relationship.

My other grandmother never contacted me - expected me to contact her. Then all she did was talk about her aches and pains, and that i never came to see her. No consideration for school, finals, etc.

Guess which one i tried to stay in touch with? If it is all about what YOU want - you wont' get anywhere. Relationships have to go two way. Now that i have a son who is growing up - i realize that for now - i'm the initiator of the time we have together. And i focus on him and his needs. That is where he is at right now.

Your granddaughter is 26 - she is starting out - likely job, her own place, getting established, relationships - there is stress and she is busy. If you lay guilt and demands - it is just one more demand and she will continue ignore you. I know helping your husband your world has shrunk - but not everyone will make it about you.

I’m sorry you are hurt by that and I understand it is painful. I want to give you a little perspective. When you are 26, working your first real job, maybe in a relationship, learning how to “adult” there are many many things vying for your time and attention. Life becomes taking care of “the tyranny of the urgent.” There is not a lot of time for sitting around thinking “I wonder if it’s anyone’s birthday?” It is not a purposeful ignoring-just a trying to keep up with all your responsibilities. As we age, and retire, and our lives slow down, we don’t have as many irons in the fire. We also forget what it was like when we were younger and had all that stuff needing our attention. Instead of being angry with her, you could call her and see how she is and ask if there is a certain day of the week when it would be convenient for you to give her a call. Tell her Granddad really loves to talk to her and with his memory issues it is one of the things that brings him great joy. Tell her it doesn’t have to be a long call-just 10-15 min to catch up. Maybe even bi-weekly? And then YOU take the initiative and make the calls-don’t give her one more thing to juggle.

Frankly, if this is your attitude, I can see why your granddaughter doesn’t call.

You could have approached it as “We miss you and would love to chat” instead of passive-aggressively telling her she’s a terrible person who regards you both as dead.

I'm sorry your granddaughter did not call on his birthday. With that said, you still handled it very wrong.

When I was around 20 I went to a big all day concert on my grandmother's birthday. We left early and got home late. I called her the next day to wish her a happy birthday and she let loose on me with the venom of a 1000 cobras. Do you think that made me want to call her more often?

Did you call your granddaughter on her birthday? Were you close in the past?

Do you take an interest in her life when you do speak? Calling my grandmother...back in the 1980s & 1990s was a chore because all she wanted to do was quilt trip you for every wrong in her life. I made a special trip to see her to announce my engagement. She spent the rest of the day complaining that my father didn't say anything to her when she spoke on the phone with him earlier that day. I realized that I needed to stop wasting my time trying to make her happy because it was an impossible task.

Previous generations fell for the guilt-tripping but I think the younger generation is a bit smarter in that respect.

I’m sorry for your pain in this. It won’t help to attempt to make granddaughter feel badly about her lack of effort. Reach out to her however often you’d like, taking an interest in what’s going on in her life. It may sting that she’s uninterested in yours, but staying in touch is better than not trying. She may not know what to say or how to act with Alzheimer’s. Our adult son who lives with us has a brain injury, his personality and quirks can be frustrating to navigate. For the most part our family and friends for a long time now have included or asked about him very little. It hurts, but we’ve had to accept that people often don’t know what to say so they avoid saying anything at all. If we got rude about it, we’d have less family and friends so we offer them understanding and compassion. I really am sorry for what you’re experiencing and the hurt and isolation it brings, I hope you will find acceptance and peace

I lost my father to dementia 18 months ago. He had disturbing and violent delusions. I am still traumatized. Now, my mother, moved to a lovely retirement community has also been diagnosed with dementia. I live in another state, have been unable to visit due to COVID and worry about her well-being constantly.

I understand completely how all consuming it is caring for someone with dementia. What are you doing for yourself? If you haven’t already, I suggest finding a dementia support group. I joined one here in Arizona where we have an excellent Alzheimer’s research center and it was tremendous help. I convinced my mother to join one and she also found solace there,

You will find support and guidance and a place to blow off frustrations. Most are online now so you don’t even to leave the house, though I suggest you do, even if only to go to the grocery store alone.

Reach out to your granddaughter when you are are feeling better. She is likely to find it very upsetting the her grandfather doesn’t know who she is. I know the shock I felt when my father asked me my name and where I was from. It’s not a conversation anyone looks forward to.

You will develop great compassion for others in a support group, and in turn, compassion for yourself. We all struggle with angry feelings as this terrible disease takes our loved ones away. It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to be sad. We understand. Don’t let your resentment push others away.

That was a pretty harsh text. What did you hope to achieve with a guilt trip. Maybe your granddaughter feels awkward about calling. Why don’t you call her?

How about a text like like “Hi, honey. How are you doing? Your granddad and I were just talking about you today. I’ll try to give you a call next time he’s having a good day. Take care of yourself and keep safe. We love you!”

Being passive aggressive is unnecessary and I find it interesting that your complaining about your granddaughter not calling yet you couldn’t be bothered to call her either. You sent her a text message? Why didn’t you call her? Relationships are a two way street. Have you made an attempt to have a relationship with your granddaughter? Or do you sit around wondering and waiting for her to call? Your husband has Alzheimer’s but there’s no reason why you can’t dial her number for him and hand him the phone. Your granddaughter is 26. Cut her some slack please. She probably has no idea how to handle the fact that her grandfather has Alzheimer’s and doesn’t know who she is anymore.
he doesn’t even remember that his own children have children of their own!

Did your granddaughter ever say she thinks you’re already dead and that’s why she doesn’t call? Or did you just make up this horrible scenario and assign it to her? I see that in this text you explain how it helps your husband to talk to his loved ones. Had that ever been explained to her before? Maybe she talked to him and he didn’t know who she was and she thought maybe it didn’t help for her to call him. Maybe it’s painful for her to talk to him now, remembering how he was before and seeing how Alzheimer’s stole that from him, and stole him from his loved ones. Did you ever talk to her about any of that in a reasonable, non-manipulative way or did you just jump right to this guilt-bomb?
If she calls you as a result of this text, how do you think the conversation is going to go? Do you think it’s going to be a happy, loving conversation? It’s not. You have made it clear the this is going to be an unpleasant experience. You’ve made talking to you an obligation and a burden, and you’re going to be treated like one.
Is this the first time you’ve talked to your granddaughter like this? I bet it’s not. I also can tell you it’s at least one reason you don’t hear from her.
You could have texted her that you and your husband would love to hear from her and catch up on what she’s doing. You could have explained that while his memory and personality are not what they once were, a call would lift his spirits and be worthwhile to have. Then you could have had a nice chat (provided you didn’t berate and guilt her more, or focus the conversation around your aches and pains and misery) that she would want to repeat in the future, and then she’d call you of her own accord.
You didn’t really ask a question, but I hope it was that you hadn’t sent this text yet and wanted to know if you should. The answer is NO.

No offense, but if this is how you operate, with a guilt inspiring method. I wouldn't have much desire to call or visit either. Not everyone has the capacity to deal with the illness as well as someone who is forced to as next of kin.
I hope maybe she can find some compassion for her grandfather and that your action did not destroy your relationship with her. Maybe she is establishing boundaries to not get trapped in your demanding and manipulative web. Perhaps you need to find a support group.