How do we deal with Mom being scared of being alone at night?

Is there a specific reason it wouldn't be fair to the animal as in, she would neglect it or something? I mean, if it is okay for a human to live in an AL studio-room, an older adopted kitty who likes to laze about could probably do well. In the county my mom used to live in there was an adoption group who specifically focused on matching older pets with older adults, to the point that they would show up once a week and bring supplemental pet food / litter / even treats and toys sometimes for the cats and dogs that were living with the seniors, so they were able to find homes for older pets, and seniors could adopt an older pet without worrying too much about food and care. (Sam's Hope in Wyndmoor PA) My mom came with a cat already :) and they still helped her with pet food and litter - bringing the litter to her apt was a godsend as she wasn't able to lift it anymore even back then.

First I have to tell you that I laughed out loud at someone staying up until 9:00 p.m. being called a "night owl." I guess perhaps when you're really old that might be the case huh?
Have you considered hiring a "sitter"(with your mothers money of course)to come in for a few hours nightly that can sit and keep her company? That would get you off the hook from having to call her every night and having to listen to her cry. And it would give your mother the social interaction that she craves.

Is she scared, or is she just frustrated? Is she scared of something specific? If she just needs the company, maybe you could ask other folks to call her…Grandkid #1 on Mondays, Niece #3 on Tuesdays, that kind of thing.

But being afraid is part of dementia, as I'm sure you know. One thing that helped my aunt was a very plush stuffed animal (it was a dog). She held that thing and stroked him, and it did a lot to soothe her. She was pretty far gone at that point, and she might have thought it was an actual puppy, but it worked.

RST888, I use to be a night howl by staying on my computer until midnight researching this and that. Recently I became addicted to the old Perry Mason series, filmed in the late 1950's. So I curl up in bed at 8pm and watch the show, and a 2nd one comes on after that. Usually I fall asleep during the 2nd show. By going to sleep early all these months, I am now up with the chickens.

Therefore, your Mom needs to find something of interest to watch on TV and curl up under the covers to watch. It will take time for her inner clock to adjust. My Dad lived in senior facilities and he referred to it as his college dorm, and he never felt alone as there were so many people living around him just a door away.

Hi, I wish I had answers for you. My mom is 89 and lives alone. Unlike you, I’m two streets away. In the last year or so, mom has also become very afraid of being alone. She doesn’t want to live anywhere else, and, I feel that a new environment would only make things worse for her. I’m with her everyday and it’s gotten to the point where she wants
me to stay and tuck her in at night. (Wow, how our roles have reversed!)
Maybe we can brainstorm? I’ve recently started looking into how I can help her.
I like that you call here at night. It’s a lot on your plate, but, it’s what we do, right? Hang in there and just love her!

Cindy W

Hire a companion for her a few nights a week if you're able to. Not a caregiver, a companion.
Someone who will watch tv with her, play cards, or just talk. There are people who volunteer to do this sort of thing for free. Ask at her AL if they can put you in touch with any organizations that volunteer to do elder companionship. Many times churches offer this service.

Its the Dementia. Maybe she would do better in Memory Care.

Yes, usually after dinner the aides start taking the residents back to their rooms to get ready for the night. The put them in their PJs and robes and then they watch TV for the evening. I do that myself. We eat dinner in or out. Its 7pm by the time we get done dinner and clean up. Or get back from eating out. I get my PJs on and the rest of the night is watching TV.

I’m not sure I understand if she is scared or bored from your comments I understand the environment she’s in as my dad is in LTC and at night time it’s the saddest thing to see them pack them up for bed at 6 pm , whether they want it or not . It’s like a ghost town by 6:30 I think trying to assign alternate caregivers or family is a great idea that others suggested . I think speaking to the home about this is important . They maybe have some way they can help keep her entertained and feeling comfortable at this time . It’s not unreasonable to want to be up and doing something past 7pm. In Lew of that , Maybe she needs some activities in her room to distract her ? My mom loves the Hallmark movie channel and it’s a regular nighttime activity for her . We got her snacks and hot chocolate to make it feel like fun activity . Does your mom have any hobbies like knitting ? A sign her tasks for things that need to be done like a scarf or simple items that give her a sense of purpose and will keep her distracted that she can do at night . Ask her to tell your kids a bedtime story over the phone 1 night a week so she knows that is happening and planned for . When she knows it’s accounted for time her anxiety might decrease knowing something is planned a head of time .
if she is scared , it’s different. then she needs way to feel secure . We put a plug in system that rings a chime if anyone opens the door at my mom . It makes her feel like she is more aware if someone where entering her home . You could go as far as a camera security system that she feels someone else is watching over her . A lifeline device she can wear at night in case she has an emergency to ring . . It just depends on her concern .
good luck I know it’s not easy

My folks lived in 2 different Assisted Living residences for 7 years in total. Neither facility had much going on after dinner for one reason and one reason only: there was no resident participation. What's the point of having 'bingo' or a movie going on if nobody shows up for it?

Every night after dinner (after dad died) mom would go back to her apartment, change into her nightgown, make phone calls, write cards out, and then watch tv until bed time. That's a standard thing to do for most people. Once in a while she would schmooze with her BFF at the AL, Ann, in the evenings, but not as a rule. The residents were allowed to use the library if they wanted to, but most residents were in their apartments after dinner.

According to your profile, your mom suffers from Alzheimers/dementia. This is likely the reason why she's scared of being alone at night and why you need to talk her off the ledge for an hour long phone call each evening. When my mother's dementia progressed to that point, I segued her into the Memory Care building of the same ALF she'd been living at for 4 years.

It's a shrunken down world in Memory Care; much less overwhelming than having a full service apartment is, with cooking apparatus and the like. Lots more caregivers to help the residents with 100% of everything. In mom's MC, they had a movie going every night in the activity room, and residents doing puzzles, etc. It was a very small (23 people) environment which lent itself to being more family like; the activity room had a big fireplace, so it was more like a big family room than anything else. That's where the residents gathered to do everything, including eating meals. That's how most MC's are set up; to provide that cozy family room feeling to the residents who want to stay up later or socialize.

If my mom felt lonely or scared in the evenings, she had 'her girls' as she called them, who'd come into her room and sit with her and talk about their children and their goals in life, etc. They'd comb her hair and just sit on her bed and shoot the breeze. That doesn't happen in regular AL; there's too many residents and too high of a resident to caregiver ratio to make such a thing plausible. In MC, the resident to caregiver ratio is much better; mom's MC was 7:1, or somewhere in that neighborhood.

Your mom just needs more attention in the evenings than she's getting right now. You can hire a companion to sit with her, or look into moving her into MC, although nobody can guarantee she'll be 'kept going until 9 pm'.

If you feel it's anxiety mom is experiencing, perhaps a call to her PCP is in order for a low dose of calming meds. My mom did well on .25 mgs of Ativan when her Sundowning got bad.

I see in your comment that you're moving mom to a different ALF: A full activities calendar during the day is a MUST. Hoping for the best outcome for all concerned.

Wishing you the best of luck.

Oh, goodness me, your mother is just going to have to deal with it. You need not wrack your brain trying to come up with solutions! Just like little children, who get whiny and don’t know what to do with themselves around bedtime, you leave them to their own devices, and walk away! A good book, a TV show, whatever. Sounds as if she is playing you for a sucker. Say “nighty-night,” hang up, and she will figure it out. Some posters here seem to think that they must “baby” their elderly parents.