How do we deal with Mom being scared of being alone at night?

RST888, I use to be a night howl by staying on my computer until midnight researching this and that. Recently I became addicted to the old Perry Mason series, filmed in the late 1950's. So I curl up in bed at 8pm and watch the show, and a 2nd one comes on after that. Usually I fall asleep during the 2nd show. By going to sleep early all these months, I am now up with the chickens.

Therefore, your Mom needs to find something of interest to watch on TV and curl up under the covers to watch. It will take time for her inner clock to adjust. My Dad lived in senior facilities and he referred to it as his college dorm, and he never felt alone as there were so many people living around him just a door away.

First I have to tell you that I laughed out loud at someone staying up until 9:00 p.m. being called a "night owl." I guess perhaps when you're really old that might be the case huh?
Have you considered hiring a "sitter"(with your mothers money of course)to come in for a few hours nightly that can sit and keep her company? That would get you off the hook from having to call her every night and having to listen to her cry. And it would give your mother the social interaction that she craves.

Is she scared, or is she just frustrated? Is she scared of something specific? If she just needs the company, maybe you could ask other folks to call her…Grandkid #1 on Mondays, Niece #3 on Tuesdays, that kind of thing.

But being afraid is part of dementia, as I'm sure you know. One thing that helped my aunt was a very plush stuffed animal (it was a dog). She held that thing and stroked him, and it did a lot to soothe her. She was pretty far gone at that point, and she might have thought it was an actual puppy, but it worked.

Its the Dementia. Maybe she would do better in Memory Care.

Yes, usually after dinner the aides start taking the residents back to their rooms to get ready for the night. The put them in their PJs and robes and then they watch TV for the evening. I do that myself. We eat dinner in or out. Its 7pm by the time we get done dinner and clean up. Or get back from eating out. I get my PJs on and the rest of the night is watching TV.

Is there a specific reason it wouldn't be fair to the animal as in, she would neglect it or something? I mean, if it is okay for a human to live in an AL studio-room, an older adopted kitty who likes to laze about could probably do well. In the county my mom used to live in there was an adoption group who specifically focused on matching older pets with older adults, to the point that they would show up once a week and bring supplemental pet food / litter / even treats and toys sometimes for the cats and dogs that were living with the seniors, so they were able to find homes for older pets, and seniors could adopt an older pet without worrying too much about food and care. (Sam's Hope in Wyndmoor PA) My mom came with a cat already :) and they still helped her with pet food and litter - bringing the litter to her apt was a godsend as she wasn't able to lift it anymore even back then.

There may be volunteers who go by to visit facilities, or maybe just to call and say hello. Look around and see if you can find such helpers. If it's a phone visit, they wouldn't have to live in the area. I think I've heard of such a service, like senior-to-senior matchups for phone buddies.

She can't just watch TV by herself? My mom is in AL too and she's a social butterfly but at night she finds something interesting on TV and does that. I call her every night at 9 just to check in. If it's just that she's scared you can call her 2x in the evenings. Would that help?

I’m not sure I understand if she is scared or bored from your comments I understand the environment she’s in as my dad is in LTC and at night time it’s the saddest thing to see them pack them up for bed at 6 pm , whether they want it or not . It’s like a ghost town by 6:30 I think trying to assign alternate caregivers or family is a great idea that others suggested . I think speaking to the home about this is important . They maybe have some way they can help keep her entertained and feeling comfortable at this time . It’s not unreasonable to want to be up and doing something past 7pm. In Lew of that , Maybe she needs some activities in her room to distract her ? My mom loves the Hallmark movie channel and it’s a regular nighttime activity for her . We got her snacks and hot chocolate to make it feel like fun activity . Does your mom have any hobbies like knitting ? A sign her tasks for things that need to be done like a scarf or simple items that give her a sense of purpose and will keep her distracted that she can do at night . Ask her to tell your kids a bedtime story over the phone 1 night a week so she knows that is happening and planned for . When she knows it’s accounted for time her anxiety might decrease knowing something is planned a head of time .
if she is scared , it’s different. then she needs way to feel secure . We put a plug in system that rings a chime if anyone opens the door at my mom . It makes her feel like she is more aware if someone where entering her home . You could go as far as a camera security system that she feels someone else is watching over her . A lifeline device she can wear at night in case she has an emergency to ring . . It just depends on her concern .
good luck I know it’s not easy

My Mom has similar issues. It used to be morning anxiety and now it's turned into evening anxiety. I try to visit later after work and it seems to help. The other former caregivers are also paid by me to visit but they are both around 80 and won't come late.

Sadly, it does seem that after dinner they are 'done' for the night and in PJs too early.

Hi, I wish I had answers for you. My mom is 89 and lives alone. Unlike you, I’m two streets away. In the last year or so, mom has also become very afraid of being alone. She doesn’t want to live anywhere else, and, I feel that a new environment would only make things worse for her. I’m with her everyday and it’s gotten to the point where she wants
me to stay and tuck her in at night. (Wow, how our roles have reversed!)
Maybe we can brainstorm? I’ve recently started looking into how I can help her.
I like that you call here at night. It’s a lot on your plate, but, it’s what we do, right? Hang in there and just love her!

Cindy W

So sad when people get old and are away from their families

This feels silly to say since my mom would hate it (opposite of social butterfly) but might she do better with a room mate? I love the older pet idea as well and I’m suggesting one or the other not both. I imagine growing up in a big family with no privacy, then getting married and raising children makes for a huge adjustment when you are left the only surviving spouse even if it’s just silent company while you watch tv. I was going to ask if she was getting enough stimulation during the day, maybe keep her engaged all day so she’s more tired at night but on further reading it doesn’t sound like she’s lacking daily activity. I sure wish you luck in figuring this out having to be on the phone with her every night for company, I know how much of a distraction from you own home life that can be but especially while your parent is in tears on the other end. My heart goes out to you both but it does sound like other than evenings she’s thriving in AL.

Can you maybe hire an aid two or three nights a week from about 7:00-10:00 to be with her? It may help her to know that she won’t be alone every night and with time she may adjust and feel differently. It could also be anxiety triggered by the feeling of being alone. There are medications that can help with that and calm her mind in the evenings.

Have you talked to the director at the AL? Maybe she could go to the kitchen and watch preparations for the next day or something. Is she required to go to her room after dinner? Hiring someone to visit with her in the evenings could get expensive. Perhaps look into volunteers. Ask at the senior center in you city if they know of people who would go in and keep her company. It might take several different remedies, phone calls, visitors, and going to the kitchen.

Hire a companion for her a few nights a week if you're able to. Not a caregiver, a companion.
Someone who will watch tv with her, play cards, or just talk. There are people who volunteer to do this sort of thing for free. Ask at her AL if they can put you in touch with any organizations that volunteer to do elder companionship. Many times churches offer this service.

As others have suggested find some way to provide companionship with her for the hours most in need , maybe 6-9 p.m. and then help her get ready for bed etc,

Some family members could perhaps create a schedule to assist with this taking turns. Or volunteers from a faith community of choice. Or other volunteers from Agency of Aging or available via the AL facility if they have a list ... You would of course want any outside volunteers to properly screened ( back ground checks etc etc. )

Or hire a companion for these hours. Have the family contribute to the cost .

hire outside help for those hours or buspar a mild tranquilzer,

If she can scoop the cat box daily and keep the food and water dishes stocked, why not get her a cat? The cat makes an enormous positive difference for my 80-year old mom. Playing with her a little bit during the day, and sitting on her lap and sleeping with her in bed -- that's good stuff, and really ameliorates the loneliness. I have cats too for the same reason.

My very first thought was 'get her an older cat'--one that's completely litter box trained and get her involved in its care.

I don't like cats, personally, but I know a lot of people who probably love their cats as much or more than their families. A warm cat to snuggle next to at night might really allay her anxiety.

As far as the smell--my YB has about 8 cats (at last count) and you cannot smell a thing from them. Their litter boxes are cleaned daily, they are brushed, bathed and cared for. They're weird, as 'packs' of cats can get, but they are always ready to jump in a warm lap. Even tho I am not a fan of cats, I can see the positive side of having one.

There isn't another resident at the AL that stays up later? No staff to circle around? Does she take anything before bedtime to relax her? Chamomile tea or CALM Magnesium? Does she have to stay in her room after a certain time?
I read some of the comments below. Is she active during the day, she might be more ready to chill out come nighttime... Do they have an exercise class there? Is she in a wheelchair?

Does she have familiar items from her own home with her to comfort her? That would be good

I think you had a good idea about an animal companion but maybe not a real one. These cat companions have good reviews:

Lifelike Robotic Cats for Seniors - Joy for All – Ageless Innovation LLC
https://joyforall.com/products/companion-cats

My friend had a soft floppy one she could take with her.

Other ideas are:

In your conversations be sure to give hope and talk about positive things like good things about the day or something to look forward to the next day. It helped my Mom to pray with her. Maybe read a story or positive poems or short stories.

Background tv with soothing shows or images to fall asleep to. We would put a fave oldies do-wop CD on for my Mom. It cycled through the intro a few times repetitively, and she would fall asleep right away.

Soothing music to fall asleep to.

Best of luck!

Aanyway to get her on facebook to socialize in the evening?

Visiting Angels: you could call and ask if they have evening Angels to visit patients.

If M ‘cries practically every night’ on the phone to you for an hour, is your long phone call actually doing much good? Or any good? It certainly isn’t doing YOU any good. It finishes your day on a miserable note, and it’s quite possibly causing M to dwell on her problems. It stops her adjusting to the fact that her life has changed. If she is crying, it ISN'T 'meeting her needs', social or otherwise.

I really would suggest that you make it a quick call that tells her to turn on her TV. Then give it a couple of weeks and see if things are different. Why keep this up indefinitely?

So’s parents have a cat. He got called during the pandemic by hysterical parents over this cat after the box got so saturated with waste that the cat flung it all over the place. They are only fit pet owners because their 247 takes care of the cat and the dog.

Glad you may have found a new place for her. Living in a place where the streets roll up at 6PM borders on neglect. In the spring and summer the sun is up until 7 or 8. Why should residents be left completely alone and forced to do nothing but watch TV alone or go to sleep? Sometimes it seems to me that “assisted living” is just living in an apartment where the rent is astronomically high….

My folks lived in 2 different Assisted Living residences for 7 years in total. Neither facility had much going on after dinner for one reason and one reason only: there was no resident participation. What's the point of having 'bingo' or a movie going on if nobody shows up for it?

Every night after dinner (after dad died) mom would go back to her apartment, change into her nightgown, make phone calls, write cards out, and then watch tv until bed time. That's a standard thing to do for most people. Once in a while she would schmooze with her BFF at the AL, Ann, in the evenings, but not as a rule. The residents were allowed to use the library if they wanted to, but most residents were in their apartments after dinner.

According to your profile, your mom suffers from Alzheimers/dementia. This is likely the reason why she's scared of being alone at night and why you need to talk her off the ledge for an hour long phone call each evening. When my mother's dementia progressed to that point, I segued her into the Memory Care building of the same ALF she'd been living at for 4 years.

It's a shrunken down world in Memory Care; much less overwhelming than having a full service apartment is, with cooking apparatus and the like. Lots more caregivers to help the residents with 100% of everything. In mom's MC, they had a movie going every night in the activity room, and residents doing puzzles, etc. It was a very small (23 people) environment which lent itself to being more family like; the activity room had a big fireplace, so it was more like a big family room than anything else. That's where the residents gathered to do everything, including eating meals. That's how most MC's are set up; to provide that cozy family room feeling to the residents who want to stay up later or socialize.

If my mom felt lonely or scared in the evenings, she had 'her girls' as she called them, who'd come into her room and sit with her and talk about their children and their goals in life, etc. They'd comb her hair and just sit on her bed and shoot the breeze. That doesn't happen in regular AL; there's too many residents and too high of a resident to caregiver ratio to make such a thing plausible. In MC, the resident to caregiver ratio is much better; mom's MC was 7:1, or somewhere in that neighborhood.

Your mom just needs more attention in the evenings than she's getting right now. You can hire a companion to sit with her, or look into moving her into MC, although nobody can guarantee she'll be 'kept going until 9 pm'.

If you feel it's anxiety mom is experiencing, perhaps a call to her PCP is in order for a low dose of calming meds. My mom did well on .25 mgs of Ativan when her Sundowning got bad.

I see in your comment that you're moving mom to a different ALF: A full activities calendar during the day is a MUST. Hoping for the best outcome for all concerned.

Wishing you the best of luck.

Oh, goodness me, your mother is just going to have to deal with it. You need not wrack your brain trying to come up with solutions! Just like little children, who get whiny and don’t know what to do with themselves around bedtime, you leave them to their own devices, and walk away! A good book, a TV show, whatever. Sounds as if she is playing you for a sucker. Say “nighty-night,” hang up, and she will figure it out. Some posters here seem to think that they must “baby” their elderly parents.

This could be my mom. She has early dementia but is in excellent physical health. She calls me at 8:30 pm and says nobody is around. Before the front desk staff leave she tries to get them to stay and asks them if they want to go out dancing. Wish your mom was with mine.

There has to be others in that AL who don't roll up the shutters that early every night. Go talk to the mgmt and find out who the other night owls might be. Maybe you can get a card game or dominos game started for a few of them shortly after suppertime. Some facilities have people who coordinate games or activities, so ask. It might be something they would be interested in starting. Especially if it keeps residents busy and happy.

Did mom have any crafting, sewing or such that she liked to do? Maybe it's time to restock those items to see if she'll get going on them again.