Our mom is 90 and lives alone. She has 4 daughters, the oldest is barely involved. Three of us are caring for mom but the oldest sister has very little to do with mom and does nothing for her care. But she wants us to keep her updated on everything which I wouldn't even mind but each update has her making recommendations and suggesting things to do. She has no idea what is going on or what state our mom is in on any given week. So I end up writing lengthy replies to address all her questions or tell her it's already being done. How do we deal with this? Btw this sister has an explosive personality and often leaves cussing and storming out from holiday events and other major events. I believe she has some kind of unaddressed mental health or personality disorder. I am exhausted from caring for mom, working part time (this same sister was off for a year during the pandemic while all 3 of us were still working and she did nothing to help. She has no children), trying to see my 6 grandkids and volunteering with my church and community and she is making my life even more overwhelming. What is the proper way to deal with this...I don't want to be cruel especially for my mom's sake who has always protected her and takes up for her.... also annoying.
Thank you for your insights from outside:)
Paula
That’s very frustrating. I suspect she cares, wants to be involved, but knows herself enough to know that she can’t handle any of the “caring for” herself.
Right now I’m looking after my father (in hospital after having suffered a stroke) and my mother who is pretty helpless. My brother lives halfway across the world, so is of little help but likes to stay informed.
I email weekly updates on Dad’s current progress and sometimes include photos. He usually ends up emailing me info that I already know (which I in turn ignore) and I rarely respond to his messages. I let him know in my emails how busy I am, and apologize in advance if I can’t respond to any questions (you might throw in here how if she really needs to know something, you’re sure Mom would love a phone call from her).
I don’t know if it’s just my personality, but I apologize and apologize, and ignore and ignore and go on my merry way. Like you I am BUSY (I also have a MIL with dementia at home as well as 2 kids under 8) so I can’t be everybody’s everything without a lot of sacrifice. I just keep saying, “I’m sorry if I don’t get back to you right away! Life is so crazy busy right now, but I’m doing my best!!!” That usually shuts people up.
Deep breath, and don’t waste your breath getting into it with her. It’s honestly not worth the headache.