My father has Dementia and lives alone. My sister, her husband and myself all have POA. His doctor says he needs to be placed in a memory care facility. We have kept him at home as long as possible. We don't live in the same city as dad. And have tried hard to take care of him. But at this point he's way beyond us taking care of him.
Once we have everything in place, how do we actually get dad to the facility? He will not get in the car and go with us, he will refuse, he will physically fight us. Do we have to go to the sheriff 's office and have them pick him up and take him?. He has already threaten if we try to remove him from his home he will disappear. He is home bound and can't drive. (I have his car keys). But he may just take off walking somewhere. He has gotten lost twice already.
We are at wits end on how to proceed with physically getting him there. And him not hurting anyone.
What are our options?
She was in hospice care by that time and died comfortably next to her husband in the hospital bed we got set up next to his recliner once hospice began. That was in 2015. He is still there and spends most of his day in his favorite recliner watching his favorite old TV shows like Gunsmoke and Mash.
He joins the others on the memory care floor for meals and there are activities he can join in, but prefers not to do so. He is well cared for and happy and not alone. He remembers his wife, of course, and misses her, but understands it's only a matter of time before he can join her again. I am thankful to have found a place that does this care well and doesn't miss a beat. The memory care floor is a locked facility, so getting out is not possible. I have to use a special fob that is programmed to open the doors to enter or leave the floor. I think most memory care facilities are like that, so you don't have to worry about their wandering. I am grateful for how smooth the move went and that our strategy of making it look like home worked well.
You must realize parents have children and it is their obligation to care for them. That is life. They grow up and leave home. They now have a right to a life and if they want to and are able to care for parents who are "off" and gone, that is their choice and their right but not everyone has the mental or physical capacity to take on these extreme cases, nor can they provide suitable care for their parents or ailing spouses. Eventually the caretakers' lives will be destroyed and it will be hell for all concerned. That is why modern society has places to put patients who are too far gone to be cared to and tended at home. Sad but that is the way it is.
He refuses outside help. Even if he did he would forget who they are and wouldn't let them in his house.
Dad is very difficult to deal with.
I don't want to place dad in a facility but do I want him to get lost again? No!! And I'm not willing to take that chance any longer. He doesn't deserve to live the rest of his life alone, depressed, not getting the needed meds and not getting 3 meals a day. He deserves life!
We call and check on him every day but that's just not enough. We go out there once a week to take food, wash clothes and take him out to eat. That's the.only time he sees anyone. He has taken electrical things apart and left live wires hanging out. He's gone through 5 phones because he takes them apart. Which means we couldn't reach him and had to ride out there to make sure he's ok. I have arthritis in my spine and a 2 hr drive kills me. That's one way.
I'm glad you are able to keep your mom at home but I'm dad's case it's just no longer possible.
I’m very sorry about the loss of your husband.
It won't be like calling the cops on him. They will be able to use their authority to give him calm instructions that he will follow as a matter of course, without drama or excitement. Discuss the possibility with them and see if they're prepared to provide an escort.
What type of wandering deterrents have you tried? Those suffering with Alzheimer's, other forms of dementia and memory loss have a tendency to wander whether they are at home or in unfamiliar surroundings. They are trying to make sense of the world they find themselves in at that moment.
A couple of articles about wandering:
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/products-and-strategies-for-managing-dementia-wandering-142801.htm
(Please note that I do not think the suggestion of locks on the outside doors is appropriate for your Dad since he lives alone.)
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/wandering-alzheimers-patients-142875.htm
Visual deterrents such as STOP SIGNS that hang ACROSS DOORWAYS and Black or DARK MATS on the floor that are interpreted as "BLACK HOLES" are a couple of ways to minimize wandering of people with Alzheimer's and Dementia.
Here are some websites (Copy & Paste URL to your browser.) of Stop Signs made especially as visual deterrent for wandering. Many of the signs are attached with Velcro-like fasteners so that you can take them off anytime you want to. The sign will need to be removed prior to your loved one going out the door.
https://www.webmd.com/brain/10-ways-to-prevent-wandering#
https://www.alzstore.com/stop-sign-banner-p/0134.htm
https://www.caregiverproducts.com/posey-stop-sign-door-banner.html
https://www.mindcarestore.com/stop-sign-banner-p/mc-0134.htm
https://www.alzstore.com/alzheimers-dementia-wandering-s/1828.htm
“Locator Services for Wandering Alzheimer's and Dementia Patients” Several companies offer (for a small monthly or annual fee) “medical alert systems” for dementia patients with or without GPS. The https://www.alzheimers.net/8-8-14-location-devices-dementia/ website offers a list of 10 Lifesaving Location Devices for Dementia Patients.
https://www.medicalert.org/safereturn “MedicAlert® + Alzheimer’s Association Safe Return®” offers “24/7 Wandering and Emergency Response Services for Individuals with Dementia” offers: A personalized medical ID with the MedicAlert + Safe Return 24/7 toll-free number; 24/7 emergency response and family notification service (with ability to contact the people you designate to step in and help until you are able to care for your loved one again); Personal Emergency Health Record; Six Steps to a Safe Return magnet; Advance Directive Storage.
Until you are able to convince your Dad to move into Assisted living facility or a Memory Care facility, deterrents and/or locator devices might be helpful and decrease some of the stress and worry that you are feeling. Talk to your local sheriff and police regarding which company they prefer and maybe set up a locator system for your Dad. [FYI: One problem is that some people with dementia or Alzheimer's refuse to wear the locator device and you have to hide the device in their clothing or on their shoes.]
Good Luck with finding an option that works for your family. I know how scary it is when a loved one gets lost. My Grandmother would go walking in the corn fields around her farmstead and my Mom tried to wheel out the facility doors looking for my brother and myself.
{{{HUGS}}}