My elderly mom, who has dementia, asks everyday, several times a day, about who is alive and who is dead. Is this common with Alzheimers? How do you respond?
You ma not like this, but lie. Everybody is alive and well. Just at “work”, “school”, “out for a bit” whatever. They’ll be by “later on” or for the “holiday” or whatever seems appropriate for the person she’s asking about.
When you tell someone with Alz that a loved is dead and been dead for yrs, they will grieve all over again. It’ll be like they’ve first heard it. EVERYTIME. It could be numerous times per day. That’s an awful lot of undue stress to give them.
Just fib to keep the peace and keep them happy for the short time they have left.
Reading all these responses makes me curious. My mom asks about all kinds of people, living and dead right now. She even asks about her third husband which she never had! So far, I respond honestly to her and she doesn't get upset so I figure it's best to tell the truth until the truth harms her peace of mind, then I will lie. I use the opportunity to remember stories about the people she asks about, or to invite her to tell me what she remembers about the people I never knew.
It kind of sounds like to me that as dementia progresses, LOs live more and more in the world of the dead, like they ask more frequently about dead people. Is that actually the case or is that more of a difference in how dementia manifests itself differently in different people? I can see how constantly having to address the questions about dead people would be extremely wearing on caregivers.
I think a lot of elderly people, not just those with dementia, are pretty obsessed with death. My MIL did not have dementia but she had taken care of her husband who had Alzheimer's for 11 years before his death. When going through her papers after she died, I found many notebooks full of everything from what happened each day (like, today I put the garbage out, etc.) to her thoughts on political matters, to unresolved conflicts from her childhood. A recurring theme was the listing of her relatives and their dates of death. She wrote down the dates of death of all her close relatives, dozens of times. My husband's theory is that she was fearful of forgetting things like that (as her husband had forgotten things as his condition worsened).
If your mother is in the early stages of dementia, she may just be trying to keep it all straight and make sure she remembers things. I'm sure you will realize it as time goes on if she slips back into a different reality and doesn't "know" that people have passed on; or if she becomes upset at hearing that someone has died, as if it were "new news". Then it will be time for gentle redirection of the conversation or going along with her reality, if she is asking about someone as though they are still alive. There are instances of people becoming very upset every time they hear a loved one is dead, like every time is the first time hearing it. It doesn't seem to serve anyone's interest to have them in so much distress all the time.
When you tell someone with Alz that a loved is dead and been dead for yrs, they will grieve all over again. It’ll be like they’ve first heard it. EVERYTIME. It could be numerous times per day. That’s an awful lot of undue stress to give them.
Just fib to keep the peace and keep them happy for the short time they have left.
It kind of sounds like to me that as dementia progresses, LOs live more and more in the world of the dead, like they ask more frequently about dead people. Is that actually the case or is that more of a difference in how dementia manifests itself differently in different people? I can see how constantly having to address the questions about dead people would be extremely wearing on caregivers.
If your mother is in the early stages of dementia, she may just be trying to keep it all straight and make sure she remembers things. I'm sure you will realize it as time goes on if she slips back into a different reality and doesn't "know" that people have passed on; or if she becomes upset at hearing that someone has died, as if it were "new news". Then it will be time for gentle redirection of the conversation or going along with her reality, if she is asking about someone as though they are still alive. There are instances of people becoming very upset every time they hear a loved one is dead, like every time is the first time hearing it. It doesn't seem to serve anyone's interest to have them in so much distress all the time.