I am an only child and my mom lives independently in a small apartment on my property. My mother-in-law lives in a nursing home in the same city. My sis-in-law rarely comes to see her or take her out, we do this weekly. My father in law is in another facility in a nearby city. Hubby and I are the only ones who go to see him about once a month (he has end stage dementia and gets routines upset easily).
All that to say, we had our first grandson two years ago, another is on the way and yet another will be here in December. We retired to have flexibility for our children who live 4 hours away and their grand babies, as well as our other children who live 10 hours away and their grand babies.
We now feel "stuck" and unable to live our dream of having two small apartments, one near one child and another one near another child, in 55+ communities.
My mother bucks at the idea of moving her to either place as, "Her doctors are all here and she knows this city." Since I am an only child and my dad has passed away, I feel stuck.
Has anyone else had this situation and what solutions did you come up with?
You have a right to live wherever you choose. Your mom has the same rights.
There is a sweet elderly couple in my neighborhood that followed their kids around from state to state when their children were transferred to different areas with their jobs. They love it here.
Sure enough, the neighbors’ kids were transferred again and they told their kids, “We love it here and we aren’t moving again. We will get on a plane and visit you.”
You aren’t stuck, and mom can stay in her place. She can hire help or she can go into an assisted living later on.
They would be happy to swap places with you, because you don’t have anyone criticizing you but yourself. Pack your suitcase and live your best life. You’ll be fine and so will your mom.
Most siblings don’t help out . They are doing the caregiving alone, but with nasty armchair critics on their tails. Bet you wouldn’t appreciate that.
There was a past caregiver who was an ‘only’ child on this forum. After reading the comments from people who have troublesome siblings, he announced that he was glad that he was an ‘only’ child.
I loved my mom but I should have packed my bags for a different location.
I took care of my mom for over a decade with minimal help from my siblings. They had their reasons for not helping. I should not have taken on the responsibility of being a full time caregiver for as long as I did.
We are hands on grandparents when we are with our daughter’s family. But DH and I have been going back to NYC for one month stretches because my parents are 96 with a multitude of health issues.
I am glad I relocated when I did at 58. It made the transition much easier. Before that I only lived in NYC. I think it is harder to move the older someone gets.
Getting away from each other might be freeing for both of you.
You are trying to juggle a lot, and have a lot of family and a lot of family having MORE family, so it won't be easy.
The decision you make will have to be made the best way you can do it. I think we here can only wish you good luck. Just let everyone know how much you are trying to juggle, how difficult it is, and that you will do your best.
You have mentioned one elder having very advanced dementia. I don't know if so advanced that he actually doesn't KNOW when you are there but that would be one way you are able to cut corners a bit.
Wish I had an answer, but I surely don't. You have my sympathy.
You tell your mother you are moving .
She can choose to stay in her current city , or move along with you to a new city . Either way she will need a new apartment , as I’m assuming you would sell your current property .
Either way it’s her decision . You can offer to help her find a senior apartment to live in . Do not move Mom in with you .
Let her know that you will not be putting your life on hold indefinitely .
As already mentioned if Mom stays and you move , then Assisted Living may be a good option for her .
So your mother either moves with you(if that's what you really want)or she stays in the city she's in now but moves into an assisted living facility, where you will have peace of mind that she is being looked after and taken care of.
It's your life, so start taking charge of it. Your main priorities MUST be yourself, husband, children and now grandchildren. Period.
Any parents fall way down the line after the main ones. It sounds like you've lost sight of that.
Hopefully you will be seeing more clearly soon.
Me, I had/have no intention of giving up my life for them, they are well cared for and visited on a regular basis.
Since she doesn't want to move then she can continue on in AL, come and go as she likes, visit her doctors and so on.
Take your life back...remember you only have one...you are only stuck if you choose to be.