My sister and her husband have been very selfish when it comes to helping with my elderly widowed father after our mother's death. There are always excuses why they can't help which is infuriating because they seem to have time and money to do what they want - vacations to Europe, home remodels, dinners with friends, concerts. They do not visit my Dad either saying they don't have the time or money and they hate the place where he resides. The worst is that there is no concern for all the time and effort my husband and I have been doing to help my Dad transition to assisted living. It's been hard for him. Sending him a card once in a while and a random phone call is about all that is done. Now my husband and I are trying to clean up his affairs and get his home ready to sell. This is not a job for the faint of heart as my mother was not a hoarder but she saved everything (old worn towels and linens, sentimental things such as birthday cards from our first birthdays, photographs through the ages). My father quite literally had a hardware store supply of tools, nuts and bolts along with old paints and toxic chemicals in the garage along with two old TVs that need to be taken to a recycling center. While we are happy to help my Dad get things sorted out and selling the house will help finance his stay in assisted living or a nursing home, we are tired. We are donating anything worthwhile to Habitat for Humanity or other charities so that is helpful. A friend has mentioned that we should get paid for all the hours we spend cleaning things out for the donation pick up when my Dad passes. Does that seem mercenary? I would not even consider it if my sister had even offered to help. (BTW, we are both retired and she could stay at my father's house during the clean/up clear/out.) How do you cope with the feelings of resentment when you know your sister is off on vacation in Europe and you are cleaning out old attics and basements with years of accumulated "treasures?" Its hard and I hate feeling this way but I know I will never feel loving towards her again given her selfishness.
Robert Frost, the great American poet, wrote a poem about the road not taken and though in the beginning he considered the other path, he felt the one he took “had made all the difference”. I’m sure you know the poem. It might help a bit to revisit.
Either your task with father fills you up, increases your well being, or it leaves you depleted. That’s one quick way of knowing if you are on the right path FOR YOU. And sometimes, we do tire quickly when we are doing a job that is filled with Emotional Overload. Know that none of this is about finding fault. It is about taking personal responsibility for our own choices.
It seems you’re about done with hands on. Perhaps you needed on some level at one point to do everything yourself.
But now that you are really resentful, angry, judgmental, dismissive, it is past time to stop and choose again how to accomplish this huge task you have set for yourself and DH. You are currently filling yourself with toxic energy, inflammation and all things negative.
Turns out we aren’t meant to choose another’s path. Our paths are One to the customer. Unique.
And as RFrost said, “way leads to way”. So while we can’t create detours in others lives, we can choose again for ourselves all day long on what comes next snd how we respond to what shows up in our daily life.
You followed your path to the point to where you now need to choose another. My advice on action steps.
Hire Help.
Visit the attorney.
Learn how to submit an invoice to father for the expenses you have incurred and will incur that bears scrutiny and to avoid any future issues.
Father's estate pays for the attorney. If the attorney feels your POA doesn’t allow you to charge for your services, then hire it all out as has been suggested.
Get that sorted this week.
(I personally would not involve sister in any of this. Too triggering for you. Get the best legal advice and then move on).
In short, REFRAME your expectations of anyone’s personal involvement other than your own. Take action to right the course you chose. Honor yourself and DH at all times. That is your focus. Then dad and then way down the line you can revisit how you feel about your sister.
It truly isn’t necessary to lose a sister over divergent paths. It’s a choice, just like the others you have made. We all know that the choices we have made led us to where we are today. Yes, even these choices. The first step is to own it.
Then choose what your next steps are free of that extra weight of resentment.
Your decision to come on Agingcare to view your situation (as presented) and receive feedback is a great start to reframing.
We are here to support you. Many of us have been there to one degree or another.
And like most really simple things, it is very hard. We know that. We aren’t dismissing your reality.
So, how do you cope with anger and resentment, etc…let it go.
It doesn’t belong to you. It is not on your path….a rouge wind or tornado or hurricane may dump it all there on occasion. Just repeat the steps you uncover that work for you over and over if need be until you get your equilibrium back. Be at peace or be headed in that direction every moment.
Here are a couple of links that might help.
1. Posted on a migraine blog but really good info on emotional overload.
https://blog.cefaly.com/dealing-with-emotional-overload/#:~:text=Emotional%20overload%20is%20the%20feeling,to%20think%20and%20act%20rationally.
2. The poem.
https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/44272/the-road-not-taken
I've experienced this sort of thing myself. The problem is that we expect others to want to pitch in. They never intended to, and by having unrealistic expectations, we doom ourselves to feeling hurt.
And when you think of it, why should any of us have to shoulder such a burden? My parents had houses, offices, a boat, many attics and garages full of junk that they hadn't thrown away for 70 years! It was so daunting that all I wanted to do was sit down and cry when I saw what needed to be done. So much stuff! Why didn't they take more responsibility while they still could? Who did they think would clean up after them? And during the time of their dying, which took over 5 years for the two of them, I was managing their business (also a mess) and their care at home.
Takeaways: We should all get rid of our own unneeded belongings long before we become a burden. We should not make our children responsible for our health care, should not move in with them, should get our own affairs in order while we can. We shouldn't expect relatives to help with the care of our parents, and that will save us a lot of tears.
Also, you don't have to do it either. Stop doing so much for dad, and he may grow up and find a good life for himself in AL. Hire a firm that does contractors' cleanouts. They'll get the job done at your dad's in about a day and haul everything off to where you want it to go. It's well worth the money, which isn't a lot anyway.
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, but if you're going to blame people, blame your parents for creating the problem in the first place.
Now he has moved in to mom's house, is paying nothing. My lawyer says I can't make him sign a lease or charge him rent because he is half owner of the house according to the will.
Now he is angry at US because we continue to come in and clean things out, often with help from friends and volunteers. He will do nothing, and feels that he is being stolen from, even though I have given him the unearned courtesy of letting him know what I am getting rid of and asking if he wants it first.
He said he didn't want much of anything when first asked, but now that he is living there he wants everything he sets eyes on, because we did the hard work of removing everything that was actual trash. The best and only advice I can give you is NEVER let your sister move in. Although I didn't LET my brother move in. He just did it while I wasn't around.
Alva is right, anger an resentment eat us from the inside out. I chose to care for my mom, and I would do it agian. I need to get to a place of acceptance, because I can't control others.
I also agree with Fawnby, I asked my mother many times who she expected to clean out her hoard after she died. By the time she was about 70, it was totally overwhelming, and she couldn't physically have done it even if she wanted to. People my age (late 50's) need to clean out our own houses while we still can.
1.
I think it was John Bradshaw who suggested:
Guilt is when expectations of oneself conflicts with our behavior. To stop the guilt, we can change our expectations or our behavior. * I'm not suggesting this is easy.
Resentment is when our expectations of another conflicts with their behavior. To change our resentment, we must change our expectations. * I'm not suggesting this is easy.
2.
Years ago I learned to think of "forgiving" as "for giving" up to the Universe, God, Cosmic Consciousness, or the higher power called by some other name.
3.
In the end, we live with ourselves - our actions.
There is no way to "get paid" when your parents have passed.
The will is going to be whatever the will stipulates.
If you are POA (I am guessing you would be as your sister isn't really involved) you cannot enrich yourself by paying yourself. You are responsible for every penny in and out of your parent's funds if you are POA and it would be considered gifting.
However you CAN HIRE IT DONE. Why would you not do this? It would save your back and your time and get the job correctly done.
Now on to your sister. Really she doesn't care to participate in caregiving. As she is not visiting overmuch I think that she may not be overly fond of your parents. That's her choice and I am certain she has her reasons. Few people are purposely evil and neglectful. Most have reasons.
I also am one who would not take on caregiving. It's fair to have an opinion about me; our feelings and our judgements are ours. But it isn't fair to try to change me.
I am hoping, if there is any money here, that your parents have long recognized who is doing the work here and has made a will that takes that into account.
If they have not then there is nothing to do about that and I will warn you that it is often the "prodigal son" if you will, who is the favorite. The one who does the care moves from being a son or a daughter to being a bossy caregiver that no one much likes. Goes with the job.
Life isn't fair. I was taught that at a very early age by my parents. It's very random and what happens happens and our choices have consequences but not always the ones we thought would be a result.
You can't change others. I would remove as much of the burden as you are able to from your own and husband's shoulders. I would hire help and your parents funds are to pay for that. And I would allow my sister to make her own choices as there really is no choice to do otherwise. You don't have to love it, or love HER. Blood connection is a pure accident. Our friends are our choices.
Best out to you. I am sorry you didn't luck out on a connection with a sis who would see it your way and be a support. But sounds like you have one very loving husband, and that's great.
I have always been around, helping my mum and stepdad, but I'm the one who has never been good enough. Not since I was a teenager and helped look after my 3 younger siblings.
I spoke with my adult daughter about how nasty her grandfather can be with me, which is making it difficult to provide the help both he and my mum need. (We used to get on.)
She loves her grandad, but she's got a very sensible head on her shoulders. She told me to take a step back and ask my brother and stepsisters to help more.
I honestly didn't know how. I was just there every week, so I would take on jobs as and when. I didn't know how to say to them to visit more in order to help more (partly because of the particular issues arising from being a blended family).
Anyway, one stepsister was there in a crisis, recently, because I couldn't get there quickly enough, and she has been helping regularly ever since (our other siblings have young children and other things going on). She was the absolute favourite, but even she has been getting some harsh words from her dad now - for the first time ever! Just because she's also there helping every week.
But my step-sister knows her worth and she talks straight back at her dad, pointing out what she's doing for him and saying that she could just go straight home if he wants. He knows she'd do it too She also reminds him how much I've been there for him.
I'm finally learning that I don't need to make everything right for my parents, and I don't have to put up with being spoken to as if I don't matter. It feels good being a "bad" daughter!
I think that SadBigSister needs to stop doing so much. Dad can pay for people to go in and sort the house. She needs to just be a daughter visiting the dad she loves. Her relationship with him is hers, not her sister's. She doesn't feel how her sister feels, and she shouldn't expect her sister to feel how she feels. There's no point in feeling resentment; it would only hurt her, no-one else.
You can't change other people. You can change your expectations. You can change your reactions. I am proud of all I did for our parents. I do not have any guilt for things I should have done differently. The stress I gave them as a kid was made up many times over with the love and consideration I gave them when they needed it.
Taking care of our aging parents is hard work and they often make it harder. You might feel like a martyr. Try to let that go. Hire people to do as much as possible. Remind yourself that your are a good, loving daughter. Focus on that. Don't drive yourself crazy. Just get the job done and know you are stronger and better than your sister.
Therefore no need to help.
Wow 👎
Join the Club honey...you are not alone my friend.
This is not unusual but unfortunately quite common. My parents were the one's who cared for everyone.
Fast forward today I find myself caring for my mother. I, too, an unwell but I always have my hair done and lipstick on so I don't appear sick on the outside.
The expression, "there is always one" is all too common. You can only control what you can control. I am in the exact same position. You should see my brother's passport from the countries he has visited, while I on the other hand
go to the gas station, doctor's and drugstore drive-thru.
I believe in your mother's old age show her your appreciation. Do not abandon me when I am old and cast me aside. It's hard but I know in my heart I am doing the right thing.
However, pay your bills on time, keep your medical appointments, buy some flowers for yourself...no one else can do this for you. I know it's hard to accept when others won't assist, especially in my case where my siblings and I had a fabulous childhood. But don't get stuck there. It's like a broken record after a while.
This forum will be good for you. It has helped me. Sometimes we agree on things and other times we agree to disagree but I always learn something on this site.
Every Friday, my day off, is beauty day! I look forward to it each and every week. It keeps me going. Find little things that mean a lot. It's different for everyone but it makes a difference.
Good for you in setting boundaries and taking care of yourself. Hoping that you will enjoy all of your Fridays!
Why are you taking on so much responsibility? You wonder if you could be paid for all this extra work after he passes. If Dad has the funds, use them to hire a professional crew to clean up and prepare his house for sale.
You and your father would be better served by spending your time simply visiting and being a daughter. If you are choosing to do all this extra work because, as you say, you are happy to help, then you have made it your choice.
Do not resent your sister for not choosing to do the same.
You more likely resent her selfishness, or what you see as selfish choices.
You can't control what other people do, you can only control what you do.
Let it go for your own peace of mind. Anger and resentment will fester if you let them, and only hurt you more.
Don't hold anyone else; your sister, her husband, even your husband, to your expectations. It's not fair to them, and you will be left disappointed.
People have learned to forgive people for drunk driving and killing loved ones
There is power in forgiving
The person that holds the power is the one that benefits the most
But forgiving doesn't mean you want them in your life
It only means you want the anger out of your heart, because that anger only hurts you.
It's like holding onto a hot rock.
Who is that hot rock hurting them NO you!
When you are angry with someone, that gives them the POWER. You give them to much power with anger. Forgive, let go and you have the POWER