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I helped my mom move to an assisted living facility near me last year, several states away from her home. She had been declining physically and mentally and was struggling to live alone, far from family. A fall that greatly reduced her mobility triggered the move. She can no longer bathe independently and does not have the strength or balance to do things like fix a meal or do laundry. She is very high risk for falls. I work full time, have young children, and my house is not accessible. Our options were to try to move to a larger, more accessible house and move her in with us and set up in-home care or find an assisted living facility for her. We talked through the options and Mom agreed assisted living was the best option. She had received in-home care after her other falls and it didn’t feel sufficient after her last fall to manage her new limitations. She’s also very social and would be lonely while we were at work all day.After a year, while it’s not perfect, I can say she is receiving fantastic care in assisted living. The staff is wonderful and caring. Overall it’s been very positive and while I know she wishes she was back in her old community, she does feel safe and the stress she was living with before is wayyyy down. It’s making the best of the hands we were dealt.As you can imagine, getting to this place of stability and safety has been an absolute marathon for me, from emergency caregiving, paperwork, selling properties, setting up insurance, transferring medical records, etc. But I find there is such a stigma associated with moving your parent to a care facility and no support or recognition that it can be the most caring option. When I do talk about our situation I find people assume I gave up caring for her when in fact between visits and taking her to appointments I spend quite a lot of time and energy on Mom. People often say oh she should try independent living instead (she’s way past that) as if it’s still up in the air. I hear, “I could never do that” or “my mom would hate that.” Extended family came to visit recently and I thought finally I would receive some support from people who really know what mom has been through and how difficult the past few years have been. Instead I heard “does she really have to live there?? Isn’t there somewhere else she could go?” because it’s just “too depressing” for her to be there mixed in with mild dementia patients that can be disruptive and struggle to carry on a conversation. I do reassure myself that mom is safe and well-cared for and I know I’m doing right by her. The tragedy is not that she lives there, it’s that her health nosedived and she needs to be there. Most people have never been through this and have no idea how difficult it is so it’s mostly ignorance but it feels like judgement.I’m just wondering how you all who have been through this find support.

I just never spoke with ignorant people who didn't realize mom and dad were fortunate enough to have the financial means to live in an Assisted Living place that looked and felt more like a hotel than a fancy apartment building with caregivers and nurses on staff 24/7. Until a person walks a mile in your shoes, they have no business passing judgement on ANYTHING. Most of them are afraid of their own impending mortality than anything else, imo. Or feel it's their "right" to move in with their poor children who should devote THEIR senior years to changing Depends. Regardless they're not equipped or qualified TO care for their parents and will get no social stimulation or activities, while the "children" turn their living rooms into a nursing home! My folks had a great time in AL, truth be told.

Ignore the armchair critics or ask them when THEY are stepping up to care for your mom? You'll never hear another comment again, trust me! 🤣
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Anxietynacy Aug 26, 2024
I actually had a "friend" that said I did everything I could for my dad!" I said to her, yes you did, for a whole 3 months, I'm going on year 4. When you do 4 years of caregiving a loved one let me know how it goes.

People are really so awful about this.
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I had three in AL at one time, Me, I could care less what other people think. I am not in this world to please everyone.

I never bought up my LO's in AL so it was not on the table for discussion. My family could care less as long as they did not have to do anything.

What others think about me is not my business.
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Reply to MeDolly
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There’s no stigma. What you’re describing is ignorant folks who have no business judging others. You’re doing the best you can, and there’s no reason to keep those people in your life. No need to have words with them, just become a ghost. Buh-bye! There are many loving souls who can be supportive and kind. Choose them.
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Reply to Fawnby
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I suggest you pay no attention to the nay-sayers. Or, when they ask stupid questions, just say, "Mom is very happy where she is and receives excellent care." Then change the subject; refuse to engage on this topic any further. You don't owe them any explanations. She's your mom and you have totally been there for her. Sounds like you have done a wonderful job.
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Reply to farmkiti
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Im an older person actually looking forward to assisted living when i cant live on my own any longer.

why not live in a nice place with food prepared, your apartment cleaned, activities, helpers to give me assistance, and people to socialize with ?

ignore those bad-talkers and remember what i just said. They are ugly people who are not your friends.
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Reply to Betsysue2002
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People absolutely do not/cannot understand the full scope of the situation until they have gone through it themselves. Sounds like you were and are a caring daughter who only wants the best possible care for her mom. Don't give these others' opinions any weight; you didn't ask for their opinions and, again, they are speaking from their limited knowledge and what they 'think' they would do. Best wishes to you, your family, and your mom.
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Reply to YaYa79
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Well, here on this forum We Get It.

You've done an absolutely marvellous job getting everything set up for your mom. Well done!!

Seems like the comments you're getting are from people projecting the worries they have about ageing themselves. It's rude and offensive but they don't understand how these comments affect you. They're just blurting out their own fears for themselves. Think of goats bleating whenever you hear that bullcrap from others. Maybe you will even laugh out loud.

Try to limit your interaction with these folks for awhile and work on your own equilibrium. Don't let them rock your boat. Get more well deserved rest and do things that make you happy - forget about those swine. ;-)
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Reply to LostinPlace
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Anxietynacy Aug 26, 2024
Good answers! I have a feeling that this tread is going to last a while, we all have some very strong feelings on this matter.
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My suggestion would be to say “I think she would enjoy being in a normal house again, with people who are younger. Could you take her out for a weekend? It would be such a nice change for her, and you could get a better understanding of her needs”. Wait for the dropped jaw.

If it comes again, you say “Well I suggested that you could take her out for a weekend, and you didn’t seem to be interested. Let me know if you change your mind”. Let them try to justify their position. You don't have to justify your own.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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I think the people who see moving to assisted living as a stigma are ignorant and not aware of just how expensive and luxurious many of these places can be. Lots of them have waiting lists.

My mother is very happy in her AL. She picked it out herself, starting in Independent Living. She is very social and enjoys all the activities being with her friends. Now that she and most of her friends can no longer drive, she would be miserable at home with only a caregiver and occasional visitors. I am so grateful she planned ahead.

Now, for the people sharing their less than favorable opinions with you about your mom in AL, they are fools, and their opinions are worth nothing, so don't give them a second thought. If they have nothing nice or actually helpful to say to you, they should stay silent.

The quote "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt.", often attributed to Abraham Lincoln, is very fitting in this case.
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Reply to Dogwood63
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Are you looking for support for yourself b/c you feel guilty for not moving your mothier into your own house? It sounds like you and your mother not only made the wisest choice, but that her story is one of the positive ones about Assisted Living facilities. You and your mother have chosen well. You do not need the approval of others to justify your mother's living arrangement. You need to believe in it yourself so you do not feel so defensive.
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Reply to RedVanAnnie
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