I helped my mom move to an assisted living facility near me last year, several states away from her home. She had been declining physically and mentally and was struggling to live alone, far from family. A fall that greatly reduced her mobility triggered the move. She can no longer bathe independently and does not have the strength or balance to do things like fix a meal or do laundry. She is very high risk for falls. I work full time, have young children, and my house is not accessible. Our options were to try to move to a larger, more accessible house and move her in with us and set up in-home care or find an assisted living facility for her. We talked through the options and Mom agreed assisted living was the best option. She had received in-home care after her other falls and it didn’t feel sufficient after her last fall to manage her new limitations. She’s also very social and would be lonely while we were at work all day.After a year, while it’s not perfect, I can say she is receiving fantastic care in assisted living. The staff is wonderful and caring. Overall it’s been very positive and while I know she wishes she was back in her old community, she does feel safe and the stress she was living with before is wayyyy down. It’s making the best of the hands we were dealt.As you can imagine, getting to this place of stability and safety has been an absolute marathon for me, from emergency caregiving, paperwork, selling properties, setting up insurance, transferring medical records, etc. But I find there is such a stigma associated with moving your parent to a care facility and no support or recognition that it can be the most caring option. When I do talk about our situation I find people assume I gave up caring for her when in fact between visits and taking her to appointments I spend quite a lot of time and energy on Mom. People often say oh she should try independent living instead (she’s way past that) as if it’s still up in the air. I hear, “I could never do that” or “my mom would hate that.” Extended family came to visit recently and I thought finally I would receive some support from people who really know what mom has been through and how difficult the past few years have been. Instead I heard “does she really have to live there?? Isn’t there somewhere else she could go?” because it’s just “too depressing” for her to be there mixed in with mild dementia patients that can be disruptive and struggle to carry on a conversation. I do reassure myself that mom is safe and well-cared for and I know I’m doing right by her. The tragedy is not that she lives there, it’s that her health nosedived and she needs to be there. Most people have never been through this and have no idea how difficult it is so it’s mostly ignorance but it feels like judgement.I’m just wondering how you all who have been through this find support.
I care for my 90 year old mother and 92 year old father. I’ve moved them from their forever home to independent living in 2 different states then to assisted living for dad and memory care for mom - downsizing each time and dealing with all the paperwork/financials involved. But the hardest thing i ever did was having to make the decision to separate them. It killed me and I cried for a month.
There are more changes and hard times for each of us as our love ones continue to age. But we know we are doing our best, they are safe and we will continue to educate ourselves on what is best for them and our families.
Stay strong - we’ve got you. And I hope you get some you time in your “happy garden”.
Assisted living isn't just for people with dementia. I was a staff supervisor at a very nice AL residence. Many of our residents still drove and had active lives. They were just too old to live alone and to keep up with the demands of owning a home.
The people who criticize others for placing their loved one in care are usually people who were never had to be caregivers for an elderly or disabled person. So they don't know what they're talking about and should really shut up until they've had some experience with it.
It's not a One-size-Fits-All kind of thing. Every case is different. Keeping a senior home or moving them into your house isn't necessarily what's right for everyone.
You did good. Don't let anyone guilt-trip you into believing otherwise.
Everybody is judged by whatever choice they make for helping family members: caring for them at home, getting home health care, placing them into long term residential care... Get used to it. People should be more caring, but most don't understand because they don't know what you are going through. Good for you for being involved in your mom's life and making sure she safe and healthy.
Facing the Guilt and Shame Afterwards
After five years of caring for my mother at home, I put her in a nursing facility. It was a hard decision, but I just didn’t have the strength to continue caring for her at home. There was a lot of conflict with my dad, who could not tolerate my mom’s behavioral changes. And I have two young children that need my attention. Still, I can’t help but feel guilty, and our relatives are only too happy to pile on.
Shortly after placing your loved one in a nursing home, you will likely struggle with the decision you have made. Did I do the right thing? Did I abandon my mother? Was this the best decision? Should I have given it more time to sort itself out? Was there something else I could have done instead?
There will be a lot of guilt and doubt, and you should be mentally prepared for it. Do not second-guess your decision. Remind yourself that you made the decision with the best interests of your loved one at heart, and that sometimes placement in a nursing home is the best option for the patient as well as their caregiver. Feeling guilty and ashamed is natural, but you should not let it take over your thoughts.
Another reason why you should rein in feelings of guilt and shame is that you’ll probably get enough of it from some relatives. Sometimes, people who lack intimate knowledge of your situation will criticize your decisions. Remember that this was and remains a family decision, and relatives and acquaintances have no right to interfere.
Caring for the Long Haul
Nursing home placement is the start of a new chapter in the care process. Your caregiving role and responsibilities do not end; they just take on a new form. With the nursing home now providing ongoing and professional care for your loved one, you get a chance to spend more quality time with them.
You are now your loved one’s advocate at the care facility and must continue to oversee their care and tend to their affairs. You may visit your loved one regularly, walk with them on the nursing home grounds, and help them eat. You’ll need to stay informed about their condition, behavioral changes, medications, exercise, leisure and recreation, and every other element of their care.
Many caregivers go to the nursing home every day. They feed their loved one themselves, walk with them or push their wheelchair, and participate in group activities with them. They keep a vigilant eye on how their loved one is being cared for at the residence, and make sure their rights and wishes are fully respected.
Dealing With Critics
A few days after placing my mom in a residence, a distant relative called. This was the second time in as many years she had called to ask about my mom. “Where’s your mom?” she asked. I told her we had placed her in a care facility because caring for her at home had become impossible. She started crying, and said, “Why did you abandon her?” I tried to explain, but she abruptly said goodbye and hung up.
In the course of caring for a loved one with dementia, you will come across people who are unable to look past how they feel to grasp the reality that you and your loved one face day in and day out. A person whose reaction is entirely self-focused is unable to see what you need, and wholly incapable of providing any meaningful help or support.
When you care for a loved one with dementia, it is painfully obvious how their awareness of the world around them is shrinking, as if a light illuminating their surrounding is dimming a little more each day. Dementia brings home the fact that our awareness has limits. We live inside our own bubbles, limited by our light and how far it shines. And sometimes, it doesn’t shine very far.
rating from Medicare. Would I use them?
You bet I would if I had to. I would take the convenience of them being close enough for me to check on her care over driving an hour to a facility where I could not easily keep up with overseeing her care. I would make sure the staff and management know that I am serious about proper hygiene, nutrition and signs of neglect. If I had to make this decision would I feel guilt or shame from the opinions of others? Not for one hot minute! Especially if it was coming from outsiders who have no clue. The point is only you can decide what care you can provide and where. If someone else thinks they can do better - have at it. Otherwise keep your unwanted opinions to yourself.