I helped my mom move to an assisted living facility near me last year, several states away from her home. She had been declining physically and mentally and was struggling to live alone, far from family. A fall that greatly reduced her mobility triggered the move. She can no longer bathe independently and does not have the strength or balance to do things like fix a meal or do laundry. She is very high risk for falls. I work full time, have young children, and my house is not accessible. Our options were to try to move to a larger, more accessible house and move her in with us and set up in-home care or find an assisted living facility for her. We talked through the options and Mom agreed assisted living was the best option. She had received in-home care after her other falls and it didn’t feel sufficient after her last fall to manage her new limitations. She’s also very social and would be lonely while we were at work all day.After a year, while it’s not perfect, I can say she is receiving fantastic care in assisted living. The staff is wonderful and caring. Overall it’s been very positive and while I know she wishes she was back in her old community, she does feel safe and the stress she was living with before is wayyyy down. It’s making the best of the hands we were dealt.As you can imagine, getting to this place of stability and safety has been an absolute marathon for me, from emergency caregiving, paperwork, selling properties, setting up insurance, transferring medical records, etc. But I find there is such a stigma associated with moving your parent to a care facility and no support or recognition that it can be the most caring option. When I do talk about our situation I find people assume I gave up caring for her when in fact between visits and taking her to appointments I spend quite a lot of time and energy on Mom. People often say oh she should try independent living instead (she’s way past that) as if it’s still up in the air. I hear, “I could never do that” or “my mom would hate that.” Extended family came to visit recently and I thought finally I would receive some support from people who really know what mom has been through and how difficult the past few years have been. Instead I heard “does she really have to live there?? Isn’t there somewhere else she could go?” because it’s just “too depressing” for her to be there mixed in with mild dementia patients that can be disruptive and struggle to carry on a conversation. I do reassure myself that mom is safe and well-cared for and I know I’m doing right by her. The tragedy is not that she lives there, it’s that her health nosedived and she needs to be there. Most people have never been through this and have no idea how difficult it is so it’s mostly ignorance but it feels like judgement.I’m just wondering how you all who have been through this find support.
I read your profile and WOW. What a hand you've been dealt over and over again. And yet you've prevailed.
I agree 100% about your experience with the VA. I went through something similar for my husband. It was a shockingly difficult, time consuming, and frustrating experience. Shame on the VA!!!!!
Glad at least that you divorced your husband, set up a trust to protect your assets - and I'm rooting for you to extricate yourself from the ex-husband situation pronto. Get out of this!
In my case, I was 15 when my Dad died, the Monday after the funeral, my alcoholic Mother took me to the bank, put me on the account, handed me her car keys and told me "Deal with it." She decided Dad was gone and she was DONE. I got stuck paying bills, grocery shopping, cooking, doing dishes and housekeeping while my older brother and younger sister did nothing, while Mom was passed out. By age 18, I was gone and never looked back!
I got to have 3 years of retirement, before I stepped in to help my Ex, who had no other family left, evicted from his own condo by his HOA. They were going to sell his condo and take his equity until I jumped in. We had become friends after the divorce, but with his mild cognitive issues, he became an entirely different person. He was disrespectful, lazy, dirty, has regular tantrums, or sits all day and watches TV, while I'm running around cleaning and doing everything else! I only expected him to be here 6 months, and it's approaching 3 years.
I hear the opposite judgements...What a great person I am, for saving a homeless combat veteran. I wish I wasn't such a great person and had my life back. I am trying to get better myself after falling off a cliff in Maui a year ago. Nothing like a Near Death Experience as a wakeup call.
I don't get any support, especially from the useless VA. I cut my 2 toxic siblings off 20 years ago, for their judgemental BS. I set up a Trust, so nobody will EVER have to caregive me. No way in hell will I allow myself to be a burden to anyone.
Most people are clueless and will never get it, until it happens to THEM. Don't worry because you have a heart. Be glad you aren't one of them.
Don't waste one more minute caring about what they think as they certainly don't deserve any space in your brain.
Unless someone has walked in your shoes they have absolutely NO right to say anything. Period. End of sentence.
You have done a great job with your mom and are continuing to do a great job, so just tune out the few ignorant folks that may feel you want to hear their opinion.
Or better yet, next time someone says something, tell them that they are more than welcome to take your mom into their home to care for her. I bet that will shut them up in a hurry!
To be honest, that's good as it gets.
As to the judgement of others? Puh-leez. Judgement is cheap. And who cares.
You are correct. Mom is well cared for. And as to anyone who dares to speak judgement to your face tell them where to go, or shrug your shoulders and tell them you never met anyone so rude. Your choice. Or just move silently away from them.
You've done an absolutely marvellous job getting everything set up for your mom. Well done!!
Seems like the comments you're getting are from people projecting the worries they have about ageing themselves. It's rude and offensive but they don't understand how these comments affect you. They're just blurting out their own fears for themselves. Think of goats bleating whenever you hear that bullcrap from others. Maybe you will even laugh out loud.
Try to limit your interaction with these folks for awhile and work on your own equilibrium. Don't let them rock your boat. Get more well deserved rest and do things that make you happy - forget about those swine. ;-)
This is not right, I've been though similar things.
It's usually because of there own fears of growing old going into AL. People fear it so much. My fear is more being a burden on my kids. It's just so wrong.
I just hope that society changes in this, and stops putting so much stress on adult children.
You could tell them , if they are so saddened by it, then why don't you let her come live with you?
I am absolutely sure you are busy enough running around doing everything your mom needs to be done.
You really just have to get hard, harden your feelings. I have a friend that calls me occasionally, and occasionally I answer, because I know I'm going to get " how's your mom, 😕. Do you really think she should be alone as much as she is"
I have learned to cut her of before it even starts, and be extremely firm in my stance, and leave no room for her to say anything else. Last time she actually said to me, well , I'm so worried about growing old and my kids won't take care of me. I told her well, get your s*"+ together now well your younger, so you don't become a burden on your children. That's exactly what I'm doing! Actually it's been a bit since I heard from her.
I think you just have to get though, and confidence, and if your second guessing yourself. Say over and over. I'm doing the best that I can , I'm doing everything I can do for mom,
Ignore the armchair critics or ask them when THEY are stepping up to care for your mom? You'll never hear another comment again, trust me! 🤣
People are really so awful about this.
I never bought up my LO's in AL so it was not on the table for discussion. My family could care less as long as they did not have to do anything.
What others think about me is not my business.