My mom can't say hardly ever something nice, a thank you or how are you doing or feeling today?
Everything has always been about her.
I know she's 92 and I do all that's best for her and making her happy.
So I'm not selfish.
But she gives all attention and conversation always to my other sisters or others she talks to.
Why????
We teach young children to say thank you, by mirroring and withholding the glass of juice or whatever, until they mind their manners. Can you do this with Mum? "Mum, I will give you your coffee when you remember to say please and thank you." If her dementia is too far gone this will not work.
Just as young children will behave in front of strangers or other family members, then become little monsters when home with Mum, those with dementia, can put on a good face, but it does exhaust them. Then they revert back to the poor behaviour.
You do know though that you do not have to provide care to your mother. You can step back and go back to your own life.
It is maddening to have to listen to the complaining and constant rundown of what pains are active at that moment, how her tummy feels, etc. Ugh, makes you want to bang your head against the wall.
My mom is a much nicer, more cooperative person when talking to ANYONE but me. Gee, thanks.
I try to not engage in the negativity. Even though she lives with me, I severely reduced the time I spend with her. When I have to drive her somewhere while she's recovering from her knee surgery, it is a LONG ride. Thankfully, most of the time is spent quietly since I turn the radio up (not blasting by any stretch just at a good level for singing along).
My mom is a contrarian, at least to me. If I say it's sunny, she'll say it's looking cloudy to her. And on and on. I realllly wish that she could stop that nonsense cuz it just pushes me away.
Let's not be like this when we get old!
The first was to take her to a family reunion/50th anniversary party. Neither of her sons would take her. 700+ miles each way. I arranged for her to see old friends that she had not seen in 30+ years along the way. And she complained from the first moment until we got home 5 days later. Complained about her ex husband most the time, they had been divorced over 20 years and she had been remarried and widowed and left fairly comfortable.
I should have known better. But we were all invited to a wedding still about 700 miles away. She was supposed to fly out with her other son and DIL. But they canceled at the last minute and she traveled with us in our RV. Adding to the stress, her ex, the one she complains about, was undergoing cancer surgery in the UK and my ex, her son, was driving out to the wedding with us, then flying to the UK. She was pissed that he was going to see his Dad. On the way home, she did not lift a finger to help with anything at all. She did not peel a spud, wash a dish, nothing. Luckily because the kids were along, I told her I would not hear any complaints about their grandfather. I did have to remind her a few times.
The food? Not what she wants. (They will cook her WHATEVER she requests.) She refuses to request anything that they will make. Prefers to complain.
My mother says that she is alone. Not true. She has every excuse in the book why she refuses to engage with the staff and fellow residents. Every excuse in the book.
Hates any decorations that I bring in for her room. These were HER new decorations from her recently sold condo. Hated the Christmas decorations I brought in. Again, they were hers.
Complains about the clothes I have washed and brought to her. These are HERS, not new, strange clothing.
Will not watch a movie, tv show, or listen to music. Will ONLY watch Fox News. 24/7.
She doesn’t have a nice word for me, either, OP.
We can visit twice a week, as part of Compassionate Care. I am thinking of cutting that down to once a week. Maybe less. I come home upset and disheartened.
Thank you to all who share on this forum. I am slowly learning how to face this new season of life.
Why did you sign on to be your mother's caregiver? You may want to ask one of your sister's to take on the responsibility now, since you are depressed and feel stuck in your life instead of able to move on. I know for myself, I would NEVER be able to live with my negative Nelly of a mother who will be 94 in January. NEVER. She lives in a local Memory Care AL where she's very well treated & cared for by a team of lovely caregivers who work in 3, 8 hr shifts to ensure it.
My mother is a very self-absorbed person herself who has no interest in my life or what's going on with me; just what's wrong in HER life. I call her an emotional vampire because all she can do is suck the life out of me. For that reason, I limit my time spent with her b/c otherwise, it's too emotionally exhausting. Think about what YOU can do for YOU now. Your life shouldn't be ALL about making 'her happy', but also about making YOU happy. Especially considering women like this are never happy to begin with, no matter WHAT hoops you jump through!
Take time every day for yourself. Have your hair done. Take an online class. Learn a language. Join an online dating service, even if it's just to share emails and a few laughs. It's something just for YOU that nobody else gets to intrude on
Wishing you all the best.