How do you deal with an incredibly difficult parent suffering from dementia, depression and many aches and pains?

My father could be difficult - if you told him he had to do something he would get very stubborn - and this is before his dementia took over - however, if you worked it so he thought it was his idea then he would be more likely to do it.

So if she is in a demented episode don't try and reason with her - it won't do any good - her brain is now vastly different and nothing you say will change that, what is in her brain is HER reality. You can learn techniques to deal with her and sometimes it will work but sometimes not so much. As previously said learn to pick the battles and try and keep the battles to the bare minimum. Learn to go along with her where you can(and give the answers that will calm her agitation - with my father it was to assure him his fictional debts had been taken care of already) and when to put your foot down when the issue regards her health and welfare. I believe there is a lot of fear and trepidation at work in someone with dementia making it even more difficult to help them. Try not to take her anger personally.

Yes, while the child becomes the parent - the parent - who can act like a petulant child is in reality an adult - so don't treat them as a child; give her dignity and respect but stand firm as gently as you can when needed (there may be times when gentleness may not work, but do the best you can).

She should also no longer live on her own and should move to at least AL or an AL MC facility where there are people trained to deal with difficult people and will be cared for 24/7 leaving you to be her advocate and make sure her needs are met.

While she is in hospital talk to the social worker and have mother evaluated - then you can always blame it on the doctor for her need to move to where she can get more care. Only heaven knows how many docs have been blamed for the parents having to move.

Good luck.

Please, I want to encourage you... try not to take the “in charge” comments too harshly... In my opinion, eventually the child becomes the parent, and the parent becomes the child... it’s a process. Pick your battles, let the things that don’t matter go...

Your profile states mom is in the hospital.

raynak26
New York, NY


I am caring for my mother
About Me
I'm a very frustrated caregiver; my mother shuns many medical professionals and, for example, is currently in the hospital and thinks she's going home before being cleared. How do people deal with such situations? Thanks.

I remember telling my mom if one if us gets really angry we promise to give a time out to the person till she is calmed down. So when I got really angry I told her time out and went outside for a walk. She chased after me screaming where was I going. She refused to go back so I had to walk her back. I was so afraid she would hurt herself running. When i tried to use the bathroom and turned on some music to calm down she started pounding at the door screaming who are you talking to,, let me in. When angry, all rules were kicked to the curb. Honestly, I never was in charge. I was her daughter. She treated me awful. Like a not to bright servant. I was an RN. I never got used to the condescending attitude she had. It all depends on your mom. Some moms are grateful for help, some respect their daughters help, and others take out their frustrations on their daughter. It is tough no matter what. Get a good thick skin, you are going to need it if you take over as caregiver. Be smart and get help right from the beginning. Put your foot down right away or you will find yourself doing a little more for each day until one day you scream thats enough! Get someone to help and don't stay to see how it goes. Leave. Let them work it out, not you. Don't pay or do things for her if she starts to ask for more. Remember to think of yourself and your life first. Its not as bad as I made it sound. After all, its love that makes us do this

PS, this bit -

"3-if you take care of a parent, what do you say and/or do to indicate that you’re in charge now?"

Oh yeah? Who put you in charge? Agreeing to provide care for a person is by no means the same thing as taking control of her life.

Your profile states that your mother is currently in hospital. Yes? What for? Is there a proposed discharge plan with a date attached to it?

Your profile says: "...my mother shuns many medical professionals and, for example, is currently in the hospital and thinks she's going home before being cleared."

Why is she in the hospital? This info would be helpful.

"She thinks she's going home..." Is there a chance she may not? If not, why?

"3-if you take care of a parent, what do you say and/or do to indicate that you’re in charge now?
4-If you have aides and a care recipient (CR) who said they won’t accept outside help, how did you make it happen?"

Both these questions are interrelated. Your profile says she has dementia/alz yet she is in IL? Does she have an actual medical diagnosis by a doctor, or do you think she has it based on observed behaviors? The main question is: who has actual legal authority to make decisions for her? If she has not been diagnosed with cognitive impairment and she has no PoA, then you're not in charge and she gets to call all the shots for her life. You have no power.

If she does have a PoA and a diagnosis, then the PoA is the one who is her legal advocate and manager. If she is now in the hospital, then the PoA can talk to her discharge nurse or hospital social worker to make it clear she is an unsafe discharge. She can maybe then go straight into a rehab facility rather than back to her house.

If she's currently in the hospital and she has no PoA, then maybe suggest to the medical staff she be tested for a UTI, have her thyroid checked and given a cognitive exam. Also show them pics of her hoarded house. What happens after this depends on the results of any of the tests. You seem to want to provide her care and keep her in her hoarded house (and btw no aid or agency in their right mind would want to work in that type of environment). She can't handle "decluttering and cleaning" because hoarding is a mental illness and requires therapy for her to work towards recovery. If she has dementia and you have no PoA and she has no money to pay for care, it won't go well for either of you. Please read the many posts on this forum about caregiver burnout so you don't become a victim.

You say she's in Independent Living. Let her live independently, and if she cannot, she can move to AL.

She could live another 20 years. Best to establish boundaries now.

how do you deal with the feelings of anger, frustration etc.? I have a therapist and support groups but is there anything you do on the spot?

You learn to walk away and not take anything said or done, personally. You will find nothing but frustration trying to reason or explain to Alzheimer's. It cannot be done. So explaining you are in charge is futile.