My mom is accusing my sister who has been the main caregiver for many years with theft and other things. My sister is hurt and is trying to step back from helping. She has been the main caregiver for my dad. My mom and dad live in their own home and are 91 years of age.
I understand how hurtful it is to be accused of terrible crimes by a LO with dementia!
Your poor sister must feel devastated! Perhaps remind her that Mom and Dad's brains are broken and that they are no longer the people she grew up with! That's not an excuse, it's a valid reason for that behavior. They no longer live in the same reality as you and your sister.
As others have suggested, it may be time to seek alternative care for them.
Sending you (((hugs))) and best wishes!!
Wishing you the best of luck finding a safe solution to your parents situation.
Please encourage sis not to take it personally. It is VERY common. She will not be able to convince your mom that these things are untrue. But your sister should be confident in the truth that she did not do anything wrong and that your mom can't help her inability to understand this.
Look on YouTube for Videos by Teepa Snow. She's an expert on strategies for behaviors in Dementia and Alzheimer's! Really helps me to cope.
Best wishes.
I am pretty sure your sister is tired of the nastiness. She probably has tried "looking with mom" for the lost item. She probably has asked mom about the lost item and memories associated with it. She probably has tried diverting mom's attention from whatever she is obsessing about.
It sounds like it is time for a doctor's appointment. The doctor can make sure there isn't a physical reason for mom's obsession - stroke, blood chemistry imbalances, poor oxygenation, infections. If those are ruled out, the doctor can prescribe a mild anti-anxiety agent that can calm mom's anxiety and frustration. It may not stop the "constant loop of obsessive thoughts" but the anger and nastiness should subside.
If possible, she can try various methods to diffuse the situation(s). Learning more about dementia and various "tricks" to distract, redirect focus, going along with the false ideas (so long as they aren't unsafe!), etc might help her. We are encouraged to not disagree with the false ideas, to "live" in their reality, don't argue, don't correct, etc. If possible, offer to look for the "missing" item(s). If found and accused of putting it there, laugh it off, say you put it there by mistake and try to change the subject.
Sister will need a lot of support, even if it's just emotional support. Step in if/when you can, to give her a break. If possible, use some of their funds to hire some extra help to take care of things that need to be done.
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