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My mother died last nite and I am devastated. She has been sick and suffering in her decline She had an inter-abdominal Pleurex catheter to remove the ascites fluid buildup. Since she came home from hospital with this catheter it had been more of hindrance to her health than beneficial. The nurses kept removing large volumes of fluid which caused her blood pressure to drop super low. At one point 60/40. She had a seizure once. The doc orders were broad ranging. I made numerous calls to docs, radiologist, etc. to find out more specifics. Well, her blood pressure was doing super well last few days and I told at home nurse, that taking fluid for sure was causing low BP. Cardiologist had said so prior as well. What should have been done was to drain for comfort ONLY, my opinion. She was not uncomfortable with the excess fluid. Well yesterday all h#ll broke loose. The stupid nurse said that her stomach felt hard so let's take half a liter. I reluctantly agreed. After she took it out her BP plummeted. I freaked out. Put mom to bed, she told me her stomach hurt. Then she started vomiting shortly thereafter. Long story short, got hospice involved super quickly. My mother continued to vomit and spit up. She was non-stop moaning and flailing all afternoon into evening. The med amount wasn't enough to calm her. Called nurse at 8pm, she gave her dose after dose to calm her. Ativan, Haldol and Morphine. Didn't help the agitation. Gave her more and then some more until she finally was sleeping and calm. It was 11pm by this time. I checked on my mother and her breathing was irregular. She had green foam coming out of her mouth. I kept cleaning it. Then she just stopped breathing. Called 911. Funeral home wheeled her out. That morning she was up alert and ok and now she is dead. Everything happened so quickly. And I was by myself throughout the entire ordeal. I know that she is better off gone now considering all the discomfort and agitation she was feeling but I didn't want it to happen this way. I think her body just couldn't handle the removal of fluid and it brought on some other event that caused the rapid decline. So now I am left heart broken, traumatized, can't stop crying and in shock that she is gone. I lost my father 3 years prior. People tell me to be strong, but guess what, I don't want to be strong. I have been taking care of my mother singlehandedly for some time and I was burnt out. Now she is gone (and after all I have been thru), I have to be strong...I am tired of being strong.

I am so sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you feel. I witnessed my mother’s death as well. I just lost my sweet husband 12 weeks ago and I cry every day… sometimes several times a day. It’s ok to grieve. We are sad. Hugs to you 💜💜
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Reply to Katefalc
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I’m sorry for your loss and please don’t concern yourself with being strong. Feel whatever you need to feel, it’s all valid. Losing a beloved parent is always traumatic, even when you know it’s coming and know they are suffering and ready to go. I wish you comfort and peace, and hope with some time more smiles than tears will come with the good memories of happier times
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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You don’t need to be strong, you need to just be however you are. I lost a spouse to a stress heart attack due to abdominal fluid withdrawal for cancer. They took out too much at once, I believe. The only positive note is that is saved her from a long drawn out cancer illness. I am now taking care of my 93 year old mother single-handedly. Have been doing so for five years. I am happy to connect and chat if you feel it would help.
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Reply to Susansms
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Sorry about your loss, my heart goes out to you❤️. Losing a mother is tragic and there is no reward for being strong. What you experienced was a traumatic event and it will take time for your body to process the entire ordeal from diagnosis to death.

Be kind and patient with yourself. We are here for you!
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Reply to SadlyYours
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I'm sorry for your loss. And in such a quick and dramatic fashion--which, honestly, is the way MANY people finally die. Doesn't make it easier for their LO's, but you go ahead and grieve as much and as hard as you need to. There is no 'one way' to grieve, just let your heart lead you.

It does not sounds as if mom had much quality of life, and you will come to accept and understand that she wouldn't have wanted to live in pain & sickness.

((Hugs)) for you during this sad time.
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Reply to Midkid58
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I want to thank everyone for their kind words. It is helpful to me at this time.
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Reply to HanaLee
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Cry, Cry and cry some more! you are aloud to cry! Mom is not with you and you get to cry! You do need to talk to some one be it a friend, relative and they need to understand that its okay to cry. My Mama died I had PTSD for three months, Depression for six. I still cry and I don't let anyone tell me not to. I use to wear mascara but one thing can set me off. So mascara is no longer part of my makeup routine. Then I started taking care of my Daddy. Same. Do I miss them **** yes! do I cry when something reminds me of them **** yes! Do I let anyone tell me not to cry **** no! I have a great support system and I let them know that I am sad, or I am happy or this thing reminds me of Mama or Daddy. And you know what that helps because they join me in the memories and thats okay!
Also my biggest thing about my parents is this, and you have probably heard it, but I know in my heart that my parents are not in pain now and I will see them again. I think of them dancing cuz thats how they met! They could do the meanest West Coast Swing ever! (I am tearing just writing this) but you need to remember your mom anyway you want and prayers for you because this is hard.
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Reply to Ohwow323
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Sympathy and hugs on the loss of your dear mom. You don't have to be strong right now. If you want to cry, cry. If you want to scream, scream. If you want to sit and eat chocolate and watch tv, do that. You need time to allow the sadness and grief to work through you. May she rest in peace, may her memory be a blessing, and may you take the time to heal yourself.
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Reply to Tynagh
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You don't have to be strong, your mother just died! Cry your heart out, it's the only way to get through the grief. Holding it in will destroy you.
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Reply to cignal
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I am so sorry for your loss and understand how you are feeling regarding how the nurse with the fluid removal hastened your mother's death.

This will probably mess you up for a long time.

And not the grief but the replaying of what happened to your mother over and over in your mind. The guilt that if only you had done this or that or not let the nurse drain the fluid. All those thoughts are normal but know you didnt cause your mother's death.

I wish you peace as you go through the grieving process. And it's ok to fall apart. Putting yourself back together after losing someone you love takes time. And everyone has their own time table in regards to that.
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Reply to sp19690
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Prayers and blessings to you xx
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Reply to Seekingtruth123
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Oh, I am so sorry for your loss. I can certainly feel your pain in your words. I wish you peace and comfort in the days ahead. Just try to get through one moment at a time. Hugs.
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Reply to jeanelf
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I'm so sorry, HanaLee. You've been through so much. You ask how to deal with the death of a parent. I lost both of my parents last year and I'll tell you that it is hard. Please allow yourself to feel what you feel and do what you have to do. Someone said that it's fine to wait for a memorial service - so true! It's fine to just be. I will also tell you that in time it gets easier to accept and deal with. She is not suffering anymore and is in a lovely place. I wish you peace and healing.
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Reply to LisaSF
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HanaLee, I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom. To witness such a rapid decline and passing must have you in a state of shock. I’m very sorry. Sending my deep condolences and many hugs. May your Mom now rest in peace.
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Reply to Sweetstuff
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I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom.

Prayers and Blessings to You.
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Reply to Cover999
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Dear HanaLee,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am very sorry for your loss.

Please know it's wrong of people to tell you to be strong. You are grieving and mourning your mom and all that you've been through. It's deeply painful and raw.

Take your time and know there are many supports in the community and through church that can help. We are here too. (((hugs)))

My thoughts are with you.
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Reply to cdnreader
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I'm so sorry you had to witness such a traumatic end for your mother.

I'm no doctor, but I doubt the removal of a half-liter of fluid caused your mom's end. My dad had liver cancer and they removed anywhere from four to six liters of fluid from him at a time for about a month with no real effect on his BP. Eventually he just stopped swelling up, and we didn't do the draining again. He died about two weeks after the last time.

I have a feeling that everything finally just broke down all at once, and Mom's time had come no matter what. You won't get over this quickly, nor are you required to be strong today or even tomorrow. You've had a terrible shock to your own system, and you'll need time to process it. I promised you, the vision of what you saw yesterday WILL fade from your mind. It will take some time, but it will fade. That's when your strength will begin to return.

Don't feel obligated to deal with anything beyond the absolute must-dos right now. If you're going to have a memorial service, wait a month if you want. There's no required timeline for that sort of thing. The most important thing is to avoid becoming consumed by what you think someone did wrong. Chances are good nothing was done wrong, and you don't have a way of proving it anyway, so try to let that go. It doesn't do you any good, and it just compounds the grief.

Now's the time to care for YOU, so do it.

My sympathies.
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Reply to MJ1929
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Cover999 Aug 9, 2022
One comfort, She is not obligated to deal with any of those people who were involved again, though they may have already took themselves out of the equation already.
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My condolences on the loss of your dear mom. It is terribly traumatizing to witness such a thing; the death of a loved one is something nobody should ever have to go through, yet we are often faced with such a situation. That vision sticks in our mind, and you were alone throughout the whole ordeal to boot. I think you need to take comfort in the fact that your beloved mom is at perfect peace now, and not suffering anymore, and for that fact alone, be thankful. Of course it's horrible to know that she's gone, and you have this trauma to deal with, and such grief to overcome, too. Allow yourself plenty of time and grace to deal with all of your emotions and reach out for some grief counseling with your hospice chaplain if you feel so inclined.

Sending you my deepest condolences, a big hug and a prayer that God grants you peace over the coming days and weeks.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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