My mom just got out the hospital with a UTI that turned into a bladder infection. She just went to a nursing home for rehab.

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Hi MissMary. I too felt this way and shared my feelings with a visiting nurse that came to the house. She told me that aging people have more issues due to their bodies breaking down and things will happen and continue to happen even with the best caregiving. She assured me with such a common sense statement and it worked. Try not to feel guilty. I feel sad for my Mom but no longer guilty for what is naturally happening to her body. You are a good daughter and doing the best you can, like me. I’m sending you a hug.
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Reply to lmh1973

By telling yourself that it’s all too much for one person and that you’re already doing your best.
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Reply to Danielle123

Most of us didn't want to be caregivers. All of us want to do our best.

You can only do what you can do, based on the information you have at the time. It does no good to second-guess the situation. You will anyway, but realize that doesn't get you anywhere or save mom from her ultimate fate.

I hope she does well at rehab. She's lucky to have a daughter who cares.
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Reply to Fawnby

Things happen. UTI's happen there is probably nothing you could do to prevent it.
Now I have to ask you a few questions.
When you make a decision for mom are you making the decision with her best interest in mind?
If you answer yes that is all you can do.
Do you do the best that you can for her each day?
If you answered yes that is all that you can ask of yourself.
Is she fed? Is she clean? Is she cared for?
If you answered yes to those 3 you are doing what you are supposed to do.

The facilitator of the Support Group that a friend and I now Chair always said..."Don't should on yourself"

If you make a decision with the information that you have that is all anyone, even you, can ask of yourself. If information changes that can alter a decision but it should not invalidate one previously made.

I always said if I did the best that I could each day I can put my head on my pillow and sleep well.

Go easy on yourself. Be kind to yourself,.
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Reply to Grandma1954

I tell myself, I did the best I could do with what I was giving! Over and over
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Reply to Anxietynacy

Speaking as a person who was a scapegoat for blame and guilt-tripped by my parent for being born, I will tell you an absolute truth that I have learned.

You cannot be guilt-tripped by anyone unless you agree to be taken on that journey.

I stopped letting myself be taken on a guilt-trip by learning how to be honest with myself and by accepting myself as I am.
When people learn how to do this, they rarely feel guilt unless they've truly done something wrong that negatively affected the life of someone else.

Part of being honest with yourself and accepting yourself is to stop micromanaging yourself and stop the self-imposed guilt-trips.

Be honest with yourself. Are you doing the best you can for your mother because it's what you want and you choose it? Ask yourself that. If she needs more care than you can provide, that's not your fault. You did not make that happen.

She may need to be in placed in a care facility now. It would not be because you don't love her and weren't taking good care of her.
It would be because you can't produce miracles. None of us can. Only God can do that.

Will you try doing something kind for yourself today? Like caling a friend and going for coffee? Or buy yourself something nice that you like? Or treating yourself to a movie? Or anything.

You're doing the best you can and no one, not even you, can expect or demand better than that. If your mother needs more than you can give her, help to get for her.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver

My Mom went to rehab after having a UTI. She was about 88 at the time. Rehab was to get her strength back after a 4 day hospital stay. She was given antibiotics by IV.

We do what we can as well as we can and I am sure we all feel we fall short. You did not cause her UTI its part of aging. And we older women do not have the same symptoms that younger women have, the itching and burning. What you can do is try to prevent them. My Mom was placed on cranberry tablets (no juice has sugar) and a probiotic. In the year she was taking these before her passing, she had no UTIs. Water, as much as she will drink. I keep a bottle near me and just sip on it. Make sure she voids completely. Have her sit a little longer till she feels the urge again. Leaning forward helps to void completely. BMs clean up with a wipe after using toilet paper. I like Huggies, big and thick.
Mannose-D is sworn to work by a member.
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Reply to JoAnn29

The guilt does not hit hardest until after your loved one passes away. Because there is nothing you can do. So cherish the moments you have
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Reply to Sample
TouchMatters Apr 18, 2024
The guilt is what it is - different for everyone.
It MAY have hit YOU hardest after your loved one passed. Everyone's experience will be different.

I would say: Be as present as possible in each moment. I believe what you are referring to is grief / grieving - after the loved one passes.
UTI's are very common especially in the elderly my mother has one very frequently and they can lead to delirium which can last for many weeks after the infection has gone.
They can also temporarily affect mobility and increase the risk of falls.
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Reply to Bungle

I too feel guilty about not doing as much as I should be for my mother. When I was handling everything but her finances, which my brother has been doing, I was burning out and I still felt I never did as much as I should be. A friend of mine started helping her out and we now pay her to spend several days a week with my mother. Both my friend and I live about two hours away so she spends the night since I can’t because of my pets and their need for special care. We found that my friend can get my mother to do things that I try and try to get her to do with no luck. The mother/child relationship can get in the way at times. We then hired someone local to my mother so she’d have daily help. I now do not need to do the regular physical work and I spend a lot less time driving back and forth. I told my friend that I felt like I was not doing enough and she pointed out all that I am still doing like scheduling appointments and going to the important ones, researching and ordering new supplies as they need replacing or her needs change, trying to find activities she’d like, and more. No one person can do everything but when you love someone you want to be able to. I needed to delegate some of the responsibility to give my mother the best care. I joke about how it may take a village to raise a child but it takes a large city to care for my mother! We are all doing the best we can and the aging process keeps creating new challenges. If we didn’t care about our loved ones then we would not think we should or could do more. When we love someone we feel as though we can never do enough! You are not alone in your feelings, I suspect that anyone who posts on this feels the same way. We are all trying to do our best, including reaching out to others for ideas. Just don’t neglect your own needs in the process, it is very easy to do. You can only do so much!
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Reply to Animallovers
SorayaAshBha Apr 26, 2024
Love the line about needing a city take care for your mom! I’m going to borrow that one 😂
also appreciate your perspective.. that we experience these types of feelings because we love so deeply. That’s beautiful
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