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I believe you need to decide what kind of person YOU want to be, and act accordingly.

For all my life my uncle hated me - long story short, his mother was a better mother to me in her older age than she could have possibly been to her children. (She was 16 when she got married and gave birth the first time.)

When it came time for him to die, I decided what kind of person I wanted to be. I spent every night in the hospital with him after working and going to school every day for six weeks. Fortunately I had a good support system and my best friend did my laundry - I fed his pets at his apartment, quickly showered and started another day. It wasn't so much about taking care of him as it was about the person I wanted to be able to look in the mirror every day and respect. He was a very unpleasant man toward many people, but I accepted it as part of who I wanted to be and what I could live with myself doing after he passed.

It has been quite a few years now, and I am still proud of what I did to maintain my own view of myself. Yes, it was incredibly difficult and I did what his own children should have done but they lived out of state. He had lived close to them, but they never spoke with him so he moved here.

I look back at that time and am glad I did what I did, if only so I could look myself in the mirror and not feel guilty.

Please decide the kind of person you want to be, and then be that person.
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Daughter44 Dec 2019
Thank you for your response. I appreciate your point of view and could read between the lines of my question. The majority of responses have been negative in that people think something is wrong with me to feel a moral obligation to support my father, despite his disappointing past. I think it reflects that A LOT of parents have hurt their children which has resulted in adult children walking away from providing care or support.

When I posed this question I was looking for inspiration, and spiritual or moral motivation. My brother and I continue to seek government financial support. In the meantime, we still have to provide for my dad and I am not as "evolved" as you are, but I am getting there. I agree with everything you said. It's still hard though to communicate with my dad and pretend that I am happy to speak with him and continue to send money when it's too late for him to learn any lessons or see the error in his past behavior.

Thanks again.
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I’m kind of in the same boat as you with my Dad. He and my Mom divorced when I was five; he skipped out on child support, and wasn’t there for me emotionally, financially, or any other way in my childhood or my adult life.
Now he’s on oxygen 24/7, and somehow I’ve ended up paying for his cellphone service for the last ten or twelve years. I also pay all expenses to visit him about once a year. I figure he has less than five years left, and I’ve taken up the slack for this long, so I might as well see him through until the end of his life.

Yes, I’m resentful and angry, but I would feel worse if I stopped paying and visiting. My mother died last year from complications of Alzheimer’s; she wasn’t Mom of the year by anyone’s stretch of the imagination. I took over her affairs and saw her through to the end . That’s just what I chose to do; I’m proud of myself for taking care of my parents when they really didn’t want me to exist in the first place, and treated me like a throw-away nuisance. My parents both have told me separately that I was a mistake, and they didn’t want to be parents. Well, I think they’re both lucky that they did have me; I stuck around for both of them when they had no one else.
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Daughter44 Dec 2019
Thank you for replying to my question. We do have overlap in our responsibilities for our parents "late in the game." My heart goes out to you to be told that you were a "mistake," even though I am sure that at least your mother came to love and appreciate you in her own way. I can tell from the responses from the readers of this forum that many people are the product of bad parenting, even if they don't say that directly. That fact that most of the responses have advised me to deny my dad care and let him suffer, and are very negative, tells me that they lack moral character and are very bitter from their experience of growing up.

Like you, I would feel worse to know that my dad would suffer, and/or that my brother would have to pick up the financial slack, which would cause serious harm to his family. The intention of my question was to find a way to feel good, or less angry and resentful about supporting my dad's care. A few people could read between the lines, as you did, and for that I am grateful. Some even provided very kind and inspirational words--so be sure to read thru all the responses because it would apply to you too!

All the best to you! You learned some very valuable lessons in life and no one can take that away from you.
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I can see where some have misunderstood your intent/issue. Hopefully you can find some financial help for him to alleviate the drain for you and your brother. Meanwhile, hopefully you can continue to help and find some solace in the fact that while the funds and other help you provide ultimately helps your dad, you are providing support, in many more ways, for your brother. DO take this as a compliment to you, both for being charitable AND for working with your brother. There are many instances of siblings who not only don't help the one(s) who are doing the work (neither financially or physically), but actively criticize and/or make a lot of legal trouble! You are working together and will have a good relationship still after dad is gone.

The only other way to view it was mentioned by a few - you have to live with yourself and your decisions. It doesn't sound like you would like yourself if you pulled away and stopped helping. Your value system is important and if you were to turn your back on those values, you might have repercussions.

I do know how it feels from a different perspective. When getting divorced, my atty told me to hide whatever money I could. I *could not* do that, as it didn't seem right to me and I have to wake up to myself and look at myself in the mirror. This is despite NOT getting financial support before and after we split up AND having him try to paint me as an abusive mom. Most of the savings we did have came from my paycheck and my hard work to save it. On the day I handed him a check, he didn't take it right away and stated he thought there was more than that. I almost ripped up the check!!! Also, without going into the details about his behavior and treatment of us, when my son, about age 10, stated that he hated his dad because I did, I HAD to correct him! I told him that 1) I didn't hate his dad, I only hated some of the things he would do and 2) I didn't want him to form opinions based on what someone else might think or believe!

Anyway, stay true to yourself and your values. Hopefully you and your brother can find some help for your mom and your dad. If nothing else, know that this won't last forever.
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