She will come up with a list of things to do for her even knowing that I work a full time job and still have a family at home to care for besides her at her own home. She refuses to sell and downsize to a more manageable yard and smaller house, but depends on me to maintain all of it for her. I have my own house and yard to care for. She has spent all her savings and cannot afford to hire any of the work out.
you do.
Contact your Area Agency on Aging. Each county has one. Ask them for an assessment of her needs. She may qualify for some services.
If she needs more than she can pay for then she has to make changes. Why would she change as long as you take care of everything? You are enabling her, propping her up to think she is capable of living independently when that is not the case. She won’t make changes in her life but expects you to give up your life is what you are saying.
You have to stop. If she doesn’t speak to you properly then leave, hang up the phone or whatever it takes for her to see that you aren’t putting up with it anymore.
If you choose to keep helping her, establish boundaries. Tell her you will give her two hours once a week or whatever you decide you WANT to do. You are not her servant. You can do this. Just decide what you want to do and stick with it.
Let us know how it goes.
You learn how to say no to her. You walk away or hang up the phone when she gets abusive.
Mum’s decision to not downsize does not mean you are responsible for maintaining her home, doing her shopping etc.
I agree, if its a list of things, she no longer is independent. Boundries is good. Like some members have said, she may realize that she no longer can do, and be more susceptible to moving. I hate those ads where it tells Seniors "you can stay in your home". Right, the husband dies and your income is cut in half. I so wish I had talked my Mom into an apt. She had a big old 125 yr old farmhouse that was a white elephant. At the time Dad died she could have sold it for much more than we eventually got. She could have had a nice little place easy to care for. People she knew from Church.
Make a list of what you do for her. Are there things she can do for herself.
Like groceries delivered and prescriptions. Use the Senior bussing to get to appts or shop. Tell her if she wants to stay in her home, then she has to show she is independent to do so. That you work and have a place of ur own to care for. If she can't do for herself, she needs to find an alternative. Please, do not allow her to live with you. I can already see it will not work.
You are ONE person. If Mom now requires constant daily help she needs a village of helpers, not one.
So she must arrange (& pay) for these helpers to come to her.
If she cannot do this (lack of funds, inability to arrange, unwilling) then she must move to where this help is provided onsite.
Basically choice A or B.
A: get the villagers in to help her or B: move into a village setting (AL / NH).
It is extremely common for elders to insist *I only want family to help me*. It is unreasonable & unrealistic. Sometimes they see it if pointed out kindly - sometimes not. Sometimes a sit down chat with the Doctor where you say *I can't do this anymore* gets the ball rolling.
If you don't think she's competent, I'd take the paperwork such as DPOA to an attorney and get advice on how to proceed with making the decisions on her behalf that are in her own best interest.
Then lay some groundwork. "If I was busy Mom, how would you do that?"
Then *be busy!* Extra working hours have come up, you've taken on some studies, anything! Sorry, can't do it.
She needs to feel it actually IS too much for her. (Without you buffering it).
I would take my father shopping every other week. He would try every trick in the book to get me to come over more often...to look at something that was SOOO important and it turns out to be junk mail. Or he has to talk to me right now...but it can't be over the phone. And when I get there he tells me 'never mind'. You learn that everything to them is an emergency and it rarely actually is.
It is ok to leave things undone. If your mom doesn't like it she is free to do it herself or find someone else to do it.
Talk to his doctor about these behaviors. If necessary, get a geriatric psych consult.
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