How do you handle an elderly parent that lives with you and thinks it's ok to just casually walk into your bedroom without knocking?

There are combination door knobs with a lighted keypad. Only you know the combination, and there are 2 keys that you can use to get in and out also. It can be set to lock when you go in and close the door. If they don't have the key or the combination, they can't get in. It's not hard to install.

Hmm,
Ask them to stop immediately. If they have dementia you should lock your door
because it will never change.

Problem is she goes berserk if I close my door so locking is not an option. I keep my door slightly open to keep her from becoming angered. I'm actually afraid to close my door conpletely..

Afraid of her reaction to the door being locked.

Since your mother is so unreasonable, and such a difficult case, consider moving her out of your house completely. And, if this is her house you're living in, YOU move out. She can hire caregivers if need be, or move into Assisted Living or any number of other options.

Living in fear of your mother should have ended when you were a young child or at least when you stopped living by her rules. That it didn't is a strong statement about what needs to happen moving forward. You are an adult now and get to call the shots, not mother.

Best of luck carving out your own future, which you deserve to do.

Get some poster board and make a PLEASE KNOCK sign for your door.

OMG! Really??? You can't lock your door because she will get upset and you're "afraid" of her? So you live in fear in your own house? I'm having a hard time understanding this and even believing it.
It sounds like it's your house that she lives in and according to your profile your mother only suffers from depression, so why in the world would you allow her to live with you? She should be out on her own and you should be able to live in your own house in peace. Do you not see that?
So put your big girl/boy panties on and tell mom it's time she finds her own place, and make sure you give her a time frame for her to be out. And I would make it sooner than later.

If your elderly mother goes berserk when you close the door to your bedroom, I think we are looking at a seriously mentally ill individual.

Has she been seen by a psychiatrist?

How is it that you come to live together?

Thank you for this advice. I need to hear this. She is clueless of boundaries and moral respect for others. She's been this way all her life. Completely irrational..if i close my door she takes it as an insult..that I'm a bad person or I'm shutting her out and being rude to her. Her famous absurd line is "you're not laying with a man..why do you have to shut your door?" Its maddening the way this woman is. I've really grown to detest her. Pray for me.

User, if this is her home, move out.

If this is your home, evict her.

When my mother lived with us, she did this.

Signs didn’t help.

MY getting angry didn’t help.

Insisting didn’t help.

Talking to her didn’t help.

She had dementia. It took me quite awhile to figure out that that was the case.

It took me quite awhile to figure out all the challenges that come with this awful, awful condition.

Perhaps you could consider getting some testing done to see if this is the case with your mom, as well.

PS: I only lasted 6 weeks, before the stress of my mother living here had me bedridden. It’s not too late to consider other arrangements for your mom.

User, this issue has been going on for a long time, hasn't it?

solution...lock your door.
If you have had an "open door" house from the time you were a child it is difficult to get someone to change.
My Husband would also open doors without knocking. Problem was the door that was usually closed and locked was the second bathroom when someone was using it and when he turned the handle he broke the lock so the second bathroom does not have a working lock. (one of these days I might get that taken care. I tell guests the door does not lock)
And if you do not want anyone entering your room place a hook and eye lock up high, you can lock it when you are elsewhere. Some bedroom doors you can lock from outside the room and you just use a nail or other long thin object to pop the lock.

How old is Mom and why did you need to move her into your house?

You are entitled to your privacy whether its your house or hers. Your house you have more control. What I would do is tell Mom "If u don't give me my privacy when I want it, you can't live here." And stick to it. Me, I would put a lock on my door. So she screams and hollers you are an adult that is giving her a place to live for whatever reason. You are doing her a favor. As her child its not something you must do. If she is on Social Security or has money of her own, find her another place to live. Depression does not mean she can't care for herself. If she is low income, there is HUD apts that charge rent on scale. Usually 30% of her monthly income.

You should send her primary physician a letter that will wake him up to the mental issues she has. They pay attention to such input from the family. If they don’t, they’re not taking good care of the patient. Your mother isn’t your responsibility. If you can’t get help, get out.

User, your mother deserves better care from her doctor.

The next time she goes berserk, (yes, lock your door) record her on your phone. Call 911. Have her admitted for psychiatric treatment.

Do not accept her back into the home.

user70, sounds like the parent/child dynamic is in the play. Not unusual when a grown child moves in with a parent, or a parent moves in with a grown child. You are once again the child, and your Mother is once again the parent.

When you were growing up, were you able to close your bedroom door at any time? None of us ever did, neither did my parents, unless it was bed time. I wonder when your Mom was grown up, that her own Mother did the same with her.

Did this issue just start? If so, have your Mother see her primary doctor for an Urinary Tract Infection. Such an infection can cause all types of unusual problems.

Laugh

User70, I’m truly sorry for the nightmare you’re living in, please realize the only one who has the ability to change this warped dynamic is you. The situation isn’t healthy for you or your mother. Her living with you, making constant unreasonable demands isn’t good for her. If ever there was a case for separate living arrangements you two are it. This isn’t your fault, your mother has issues beyond your ability to fix or help, and you’ve gotten trapped for too long trying to just cope. The power is with you to change it. Start with a lock and standing up for yourself, when the berserk behavior happens, record it, call 911 and have your mother transported to the hospital. From there tell the staff calmly but firmly that you cannot provide care for her any longer. She needs a full medical and psychological evaluation, and not by the clueless current doctor. This isn’t you kicking mom out or not caring, quite the opposite, it’s caring for the well being of you both. Don’t waste your own life and health living in fear and resentment. I hope you’ll act to change both of your lives going forward

Some of us were raised in homes where boundaries were exclusively for adults. Closed doors were personal attacks and rejections. It's not as simple as installing a lock or putting up a sign. Because locks and signs only apply to others - never to them. Sure, this sounds crazy, if you weren't raised that way. But take a moment to think about the things you do and beliefs you hold because you were raised that way. Do you vote the same as your parents simply because they did, without analyzing the platforms of each party? Are you the same religion as your parents, or did you attend other places of worship, study their doctrines and dogmas, compare and choose what was right for you? It's tough to have your beliefs challenged. And when you do realize what's ridiculous, it can be difficult to stand up for yourself without endless self-questioning, etc.

If your mother has dementia (mine does) it'll only magnify her behaviour.

Document the situation, with a behaviour diary, photos and videos. My mother's doctor was sure she was fine as well. We had a crisis, police and EMS came, I explained all that had been going on, an assessment ensued and she is now placed in a good, small home and we are getting our lives back. I won't lie to you that my stress ended that day. I was afraid and jumpy for months. I'd wake in the night, sure I heard her calling my name, pounding on doors. But I'm much better now.

I have mentioned before that my mother has forgotten who I am. I visit her as a friendly stranger. I suspect you can appreciate why I find that such a relief. Good luck to you!

user70,

Have her placed in a care facility that will meet her needs.

You cannot change entrenched dynamics or set boundaries with the broken brain. You need to act to place your parent in a good SNF, whatever that requires.

And when you go to visit, knock on the door and announce yourself before entering the room.

I wish you the best possible outcome in all of this.

user70,

Have her placed in a care facility that will meet her needs.

You cannot change entrenched dynamics or set boundaries with the broken brain. You need to act to place your parent in a good SNF, whatever that requires.

And when you go to visit, knock on the door and announce yourself before entering the room.

I wish you the best possible outcome in all of this.

I'm adding to this comment because I just read through the thread. You are living in a nightmare by your own consent. Have your mother placed by whatever means necessary and begin to live your life. You list nothing but excuses and it's looking like you are the crazy one for continuing to live this madness.

Check the signs and symptoms of having a narcissist personality… it sounds like maybe she has narc tendencies too.

Barging into your room is not OK. Looks like mental problems preventing your privacy. You mentioned that your mother is 78. She needs to see a doctor for a complete evaluation. If independent, it's time for her own residence.

I have some questions. Are you afraid to make other living arrangements to be in separate living residences? Is this residence you both share a rental or ownership? Can you move out or place your Mom in a facility? Do you both depend on each others' income to make ends meet?

I can relate to you, because my mother has the same behaviors towards me and my siblings! If I locked my door she would bang on it and threaten to call the police. She even called the police a few times, because I wouldn’t open the door. I found and rented a small room at another person’s home and didn’t tell her about it. Then I said, if I can’t lock the door at night I will leave. And I did! I left and turned my phone on silent mode. If she called the police I wasn’t there. The police connected her to psychologists and psychiatrists of a Community Services Board. They are very helpful.

Lock the door.
Realize there may be some dementia. Have your parent medically evaluated.
S/he likely doesn't have the cognitive ability to understand why knocking first is appropriate. Gena / Touch Matters

A few options...

Have times when it is ajar and they are free to come in. When closed, lock the door if you can. Lol If they ask why, let them know you were dressing and didn't want them to walk in by accident. If no lock, then next time they start to walk in, call out hold on there, I'm dressing! Or, It startles me when you don't knock and just walk in. I am either concentrating on something or dressing. You can add a sign, please knock, for when the door is closed. And let them know. If it's open come right in. Hope that helps.

I grew up in a home with no locks on any of the doors, including the bathrooms.

I know this weird dynamic is what made it sooooo easy for OB to 'get me' as he sexually abused me for years. I begged for a locking door and eventually put a hook and eye lock on the inside of my door myself.

My dad was in to kind of weird 60's 'decor' and the no-locking doors was one of them. Mom finally got sick of us busting in to her room while she slept she made dad put a key lock on her door. I know this was a 'thing' between them.

If you have no where to go to feel safe and/or private--that's a frightening way to grow up. You never know if you have nightmares or if the scary stuff is real.

If the parent is cognitively appropriate, that is able to have, understand and, remember what has been said, then by all means simply have a cordial talk and, set the boundaries; namely to respect each other's personal space, please do not enter my bedroom without knocking and, unless it is urgent, please wait until I am available otherwise. You can also consider setting a brief "check in " time each day where the two of you speak briefly about the day, schedule, questions etc and, then go about the day.
As someone has mentioned, locking the BR door is acceptable and tell the parent that if the BR door is closed, please do not knock or disturb you unless it is an urgent, emergency.
If they seem annoyed or hurt by the boundary setting don't be upset; simply smile and redirect the conversation.

Of course if the parent has dementia issues they will not be able to remember the conversation ( short term memory loss); so be sure that they have been declared mentally competent to understand and remember.

Perhaps the same way you handle your kids when they come into you bedroom when you are making out with your spouse. Ask them to leave