How do you handle dementia & intimacy?

I, 66 y.o., male, am in a similar situation. At times, not frequently, my bride who is living with Alzheimer’s (67 y.o.) also wants sex. Her dementia is severe. So when the subject comes up I often deflect the conversation and she forgets about it. It’s not that I don’t want sex, I do. But I find it difficult to share intimacy with some who has a brain that is riddled with disease. In a very small way my bride knows she wants sex, but she has a brain that is, developmentally, somewhere between the ages of 5-10 years old. I just can’t do that. Maybe this is my own emotional state. But I feel like I would be taking advantage of a child.
This is a very tough situation for both your mom and dad. I understand your dad’s feelings.

Hypersexuality is part of Alzheimer's and maybe other dementias. My 91 year old husband suddenly ( after 20 years of no sex due to age, diabetes, meds etc.) wanted sex with me. He couldn't get an erection of course, but had the desire and was convinced he would be able to if I would just cooperate. After spending the day cleaning urine and feces off of every surface in the house, and changing wet, soiled clothing and bedding several times a day, I didn't have much interest in futilely messaging a limp penis to give him his jollies. Yes, I felt badly about not giving him what he wanted, but I felt like I had some rights and boundaries for my life too. Everything else in my life was about his comfort and well-being. I tried to divert, and let him rub my thigh as I checked his glucose nos, 3 times a day, and he got some sort of little thrill with it.
It is just part of the disease as inhibitions are destroyed, and along with it went modesty, and any sense of inappropriate sexual behavior. I caught him trying to fondle cute young nurses attending to him, and when I challenged him he just grinned; he thought he was cute. All of this from a man who had always been a perfect gentleman, and who never even cursed, and would leave the room if something too racy occurred on TV or in a conversation. It broke my heart, but you just know it it the disease, and try to show affection other ways. Lots of hugs, lots of I love yous and reassurances .
Blessings to the husband; he deserves his privacy, and should just gently reassure her he loves her and try to divert her attention. No great answers like with so many behaviors care takers deal with.

Lalalalalalalacan't hear you - !

I'm not surprised you were thrown off when your father shared this private issue with you. He couldn't talk to his doctor???

It's a funny thing: the possession and expression of sexuality is one of the subheads of fundamental human rights, right up there with religious belief and family life, but - perhaps not all that surprisingly, really - it's a subject that receives a lot less attention than, say, dignity and privacy. What does our training tell us to do if our client wants to lie down and masturbate after a shower? Blush and leave the room? Make sure there are tissues to hand? No idea! The online courses don't go into detail.

There are some things it is nice not to know...

But to keep an appropriately straight face:
Your mother has a right to her sexuality.
Your father knows her habits and wishes in this respect a great deal better than anyone else possibly could.
By the way, he also has a right not to feel harassed or distressed by her demands.
I hope he isn't thinking of risking his health with any possible medical solutions.

It's complicated and delicate, and in all seriousness it might be best to speak to his doctor about it - ideally a geriatrician, and ideally one who is a conscientious champion of all those rights we hear so much about but see so little of in practice.

Sherry, if both your parents stopped sex aged just over 60, they were very unusual. I have doubts about the truth. I’m not sure what you mean by ‘organically impotent’, unless it was part of the treatment for prostate cancer. If not, it might simply be that he can’t keep an erection long enough to ejaculate.

As we hear regularly on the site, an increased sex drive is quite common in dementia, particularly for men. There is no reason why mother shouldn’t enjoy it. Father might too, so long as he doesn’t feel pressured, and he isn’t stressed about failure to perform.

For mother, I’d give her a vibrator, and tell both of them to try using it together. Some women live their entire lives never having had an orgasm. Make it sound normal, clean, easy and nice, not something furtive.

For Dad, it depends on his problem, and it would be good for him to talk to an older male doctor. If he gets an erection but can’t keep it, he could try a penile ring. Like a soft elastic bank, it fits over the body end of the penis. Blood flows into the penis through the artery, and the ring stops it flowing out again through the veins. It all lasts longer. It’s also easy to get off. They cost about $5 on Ebay. Some men of your father’s age try viagra on doctor’s prescription, even just once to experiment. It helps, and isn’t all that dramatic. Some (like my DH) try it just out of curiosity! If none of that works, your mother can just try stroking his genitals. He probably still has nice sensations down there, and it can make things mutual while they both try the vibrator.

I’m being frank because why not? We should try to make the best of the things that still work – so much doesn’t!

Dementia can make a person lose inhibitions and release his/her animal instincts in a more open way. It's not normal human sex. Strange than some people in forum find it "romantic".

Why is it okay to force a man who is either unwilling or unable or both to have sex? I understand your dad's unwillingness to participate in intimacy with his wife who has dementia. Having sex with anyone, spouse or whomever, who is cognitively challenged is outside my personal moral boundaries. Being intimate with a cognitively impaired loved one would cause me great emotional distress and harm. Forcing me to perform acts that are personally degrading would kill me. I feel so sad for your dad. His talking with you about this very personal subject reveals how tormented he is feeling. He loves your mom; otherwise, he wouldn't be torn. He would just "mate" and call it good. His life with your mom is challenging enough without the constant nagging for sex by his intellectually compromised spouse. In my case, I moved to the guest bedroom. Sharing the same bed with my husband who has moderate Alzheimer's was too confusing and tempting for my husband. I saved my sanity by removing myself from the shared bedroom environment.

A lot of people have suggested that Dad needs to find a way to "help her out." Well...I know from experience that here is just a real turn-off about the prospects of being intimate with someone who has a messed-up brain. Sorry if that term offends anyone, but it is meant to encompass a variety of problems. The idiot I got stuck with is a germophobe. Has been for all of our miserable marriage. The garbage I have had to deal with has resulted in a complete and total lack of desire for any intimacy with him.
If someone just has no desire for intimacy with a person with a broken brain, they should have the right to say no. Brain disorder driven sex drive is a real turn off. If it was reversed, and it was a man wanting it against the woman's wishes, nobody would be trying to force this on her.

Would your Mom be competent in using a vibrator? I’m not the expert, but masturbation may help relieve anxiety associated with dementia.

Dad may not want to have sex in general or not with mom in particular, particularly if he is dealing with her incontinence or his own. If there isn’t desire, neither viagra nor any other Ed drug will work.

Having sex with someone with a damaged brain is abuse. My husband has dementia and I am his caregiver and POA and make sure he has to xcellent care but we only legally married. I would never have sex with a child. I would puke. If he finds someone in a facility to relate to and the other persons guardian approves then so be it. It is the disease.