How do you handle public bm accidents?

I feel your pain. My husband just turned 66 in early July 2024. He went to the ER with a GI bleed right before his birthday. He had a major stroke in the Spring of 2022. I am 61 so I still have to work; I have a busy job, working from home. So I spend my lunch hour every week day getting him up, washed off, coffee, breakfast, throw the bed clothes into the washer and rush back to work. I'm ready to die. If it weren't for leaving my son, I'd pray for God to take me. In my opinion, caregivers suffer just as much as the patients...if not more. For YEARS, all my husband cared about was partying with his brother. He hasn't been an abusive husband; just the type who has never let me in. He doesn't want to discuss any serious topics; always liked making the cashiers laugh at the grocery store. I'm sure you can imagine; Mr. Charming. I'm shaking my head because I could write a novel. Now he's coming home in 2 days and I'm being honest when I say, I'm not looking forward to it.

Im my mother’s caregiver. My sister lives 2 hrs away and comes up to give me needed breaks. I will only take my mom to Dr. appointments or for short walks on the trail right next to my home. I stopped taking her anywhere in public. She hasn’t had a public BM accident…yet. She’s had one at home so why not in public? I don’t want to take any chances. My sister comes up and takes her out to eat. The last time I did that she started crying and yelling that she hoped my dad was rotting in hell and that he died on purpose. She took her out to eat again yesterday and apparently a little 3 year old girl fell and the mother was consoling her. My mom starts pulling money out of her purse to give to the girl. My sister stopped her. So, just from those public issues and inappropriate behavior, I refuse to take chances. I have a brand new car I paid cash for from hard earned money. I’m not going to have it ruined. I have a bed liner under my seat cover when I take her to the Dr.

he needs incontinence underwear. It doesnt matter if he makes it to the toilet then explodes. That is causing a lots of grief for employees and other customers. I know couples where one of the people even wear incontinence underwear and even then dont go to restaurants. Its not fair to employees and other diners.

There are medication his doctor could give him, one is Lomotil, it slows the activity in the bowels down. It is by prescription but there are some OTC that works well, I use Loperamide 2 mg., get it at WalMart

No one is judging Grammie— it’s friendship. Grammie is the proverbial frog in the pot of water that was once cool, then lukewarm, then warm, then simmering etc.

Grammie has lost sight of what is ok and what is not ok. This hasn’t happened only twice. It has happened twice in a month.

As her friends, we are required to tell her the truth which is, no more taking him out in public. Can you all imagine what her car smells like? She likely got used to the smell and doesn’t smell it anymore.

She is also 100% wrong in allowing him to continue to drive and I will die on this hill. This is non negotiable.

Graygrammie, many of us have are story, of why we stayed so long , or just stayed. I made mistake putting up with to much , not sticking up for myself ECT.....

I feel for you. 😥 , I have no advice but I do understand how you could get yourself in a bad situation especially when religion is used to control you.

I'm just sorry, have no advice for you that others haven't said, so I'm not going to say anymore.

Gray Grammie, you say that years ago you had ‘the opportunity to leave and didn't do it’. You ‘thought it was the right thing to do’. That is exactly what you are thinking and doing now. You are right that ‘the clock is ticking’ – on you as well as him. Clocks can tick for a very long time, while your chances of a decent life disappear.

Think carefully about my suggestion of prompting the meltdown that will change things.

He needs to wear a pullup when he/you go out. If he can go out alone he can clean up by himself. A shower and rinse the clothes etc.. otherwise maybe he should stay home.

There are still times gg will have to take dh out, like doctors appointments. Before you two go, ensure that he goes. Put on fresh depends. Check on them once you arrive early, preferably in a one toilet stall, and after the visit.

Graygrammie, I worry more about your future, as the dementia gets worse his anger may also. So please prepare for the future also.

Graygrammie, I don’t have any suggestions beyond what others have offered but I just wanted to say I am thinking of you and hope your situation improves SOON. 🫂

His incontinence may be diet related. Please have him evaluated by a doctor to pinpoint whatever are his "triggers". Then, avoid trigger foods. Might want to consider having a change of clothes for accidents. Make sure to double bag the soiled clothes. Also, consider having some type of baby/tushie wipes on hand to clean off anything that gets soiled.

Update after seeing PCP today.

Doc referred him to his neurologist for evaluation about seizures and strokes. (He apparently had an ishemic stroke on Monday night. It resolved within minutes but left him with a useless fingers on his left hand.)

Doc felt the bm situation is due to (1) diet (no more doughnuts; try Benefiber) and (2) donepezil (took him off, he was only on 5mg).

Since Monday night, he has moved from anger and bitterness to grieving the loss of the life he once had. Totally different attitude toward me. It is almost like the stroke flicked a switch in his brain.

Thanks for the update. Hoping along with you for the changes to stop the bm messes. Perhaps your husband is experiencing the stages of grief much as we do after losing a loved one, in his case grieving what’s being lost in himself. Maybe there will be other stages. Still wishing you courage and peace on this long road

To add to my post below, I can't reiterate enough how imperative it is for you to now gain more control, and not let things go backwards to the BM incident.

You know him, we don't I believe you know what works best. When my husband retired and everytime I was away from home , id come home cook and couldn't find things. I little mouse thought things like the measure cup should be in a different place. Well it kept happening no matter what I said. So when someone went to look for his tools and wrenches where the screwdrivers where, tape measures where where the nails, ECT... He finally got it. Don't touch my stuff if you don't want your stuff messed with.

The last argument we had 2 years ago, was over garbage, he was hiding in the garage because he didn't want to pay 5 dollars for garbage pick up that week. Well this was my last straw, and trying to save 5 bucks ended up him spending 100 on a hotel for the night, and him having a lonely night.

What I'm saying is you have to put things in his language, my husband it's his tools and money.

And you have to get more control over him now for you and for him and for the people that had to clean up his mess.

That was wrong, I don't have to tell you, I know you know you made a mistake, we all do. So now is the time to correct that mistake by getting control

Yes. It’s bad and I completely understand. I wore a mask to clean up and I would dab some peppermint oil on the mask. But just the thought made me gag. I think he should be wearing depends and maybe something over the depends like the babies had rubber pants, they sell them for adults. Most medical supply place sell them. Try to contain it in the diaper and rubber pants. Then you can throw the whole thing in garbage. The wash up on him will be easier. Again we did not go out much bc of it but for times where you need to do things it helps. I also always carried diaper bag with extra clothes and diaper and accessories just to get home. I have changed my husband in the car on the parkway and any other place you can imagine. Terribly hard but I’m still here so it didn’t kill me but boy did it wear me down. Good luck

I stopped taking my mom out in public years ago after she fell at one establishment and of course the unpredictable bathroom situations. I finally accepted the fact that I wasn't taking her out for her benefit...because she doesn't even remember going there. It was for me. I still wanted some resemblance of normalcy. Some resemblance of how she used to be. When I accepted that was not in her best interest, it was easy for me to make the call. She is now much further along in her dementia and doesn't leave memory care at all. On special occasions, I take in food and pictures and music and try to make the best of it. Again, this is more for me than her as she is unaware.

I just read your bio. Your husband should not be driving and if I were you I would refuse to dine out with him. Tell him he is being selfish and you're not going. If he no longer has the where-with-all to know this isn't ok, then he shouldn't be making the decisions.

I sympathize! My dad is 97, and his incontinence has gotten pretty darn bad. Luckily for us, he is in MC. His MD is 30 miles away, and has generously scheduled video visits so Dad doesn't have to travel. He gets HH visits for treatment of diaper rashes/sores. We've had to buy washable chair and seat covers (Amazon-water-proof, comes inmany colors) to the point of even covering the visitor's chair. Next is taking a camp chair in when we visit. Always keep one in the car-if he is taken to the hospital for any reason, you may have to give him a ride home.
Get several sweat pants or sans-a-belt pants from Amazon and thrift shops to make sure you don't run out of clothes for him, it takes a little pressure off (well aside from the smell) you and laundry!
And get help if you possibly can-maybe a day -even a few hours-a week where you can recoup energy and sense of self!
Good luck-

I had to read a few posts before I realized this was your husband, not an elderly relative. Yikes. I would suggest an intermediary, like a counselor or PCP, to suggest workable solutions for both of you AND to validate your concerns.

Has he been to a gastroenterologist?

Sooo glad that the doc was proactive!

Have you seen a difference with the diet and med change? ◡̈

Walmart for jeans with elastic for men , Amazon too .

I have always been baffled on how people get BM on the outside. If you are prone to accidents wear a diaper. Bring spares so you can change them in a bathroom.

Through trial & error over the past couple of years, I've found that my FW's bowls function best with giving her one Fibercon tablet on Tuesdays and one on Fridays. I don't even want to get into the horrors I've dealt with on this subject.

graygrammie: I saw your update. Best of luck with this tough situation.

I was concerned my dh was showing Parkinson’s symptoms but would downplay during MD appointments. I wrote a letter detailing exactly what was happening, including the fact he would deny/justify/evade/excuse everything. I also asked that he be discreet about my letter. I dropped it off the day before his appointment. The doctor was wonderful. He’s properly diagnosed and benefiting from medication and unlimited PT. Luckily he wants me at appointments.

Although my dh issues are not this extreme, I summoned the nerve to be forthright at his MD appointments, awkwardness be damned. This was our opportunity for help and I wasn’t going to let it pass. He has a hissy fit? Too bad. You’re the one shouldering ALL the clean up, embarrassment and foul smells every time. You matter too. You should be able to enjoy an outing without this foul ordeal. It’s not fair to you or other patrons. Good luck; it’s a damn hard road to be on. There’s also a FB page call Well Spouse. That’s been helpful too.

First of all, you do not need to go out to restaurants if that as become an uncomfortable experience.

It is time for a lifestyle change.

Insist he put on depends (pull-up disposable underwear) when it is necessary to go somewhere with him. If he doesn't want to, he doesn't go. I'm not sure I understand what mess you are talking about. You say he's not going in his clothes, so how is he covered in this mess? If you have to cover the car seat before he sits down, then his clothes are soiled. If it is his skin which is covered, at least the disposable pants will help to contain the mess without going through his clothes.
If you and he insist on continuing to go out to restaurants and to the golf club, consider hiring a personal aide to accompany him on these outings. They will be experienced in helping him to the restroom, and wiping for him. Take along some pre-moistened wipes and disposable gloves.
If you feel he needs to go on an out-of-town trip and stay in a motel, take lots of extra clothes, gloves, and wipes. Perhaps he is capable of cleaning up on his own.
Order food and bring it in to the hotel room instead of going out.

Another suggestion - don't use a towel or blanket to cover the car seat or any other surface he sits on - you can buy disposable underpads. Then, you can throw the whole mess away instead of washing that too.

Give him gloves and wet wipes for when he does go to the restroom so he can try and clean as thoroughly as possible. Remind him those things cannot go in the toilet. So, he may also have to bring a containment system of some kind
to dispose of soiled wipes and gloves, then throw all that away. Learn, and teach him, how to don and doff gloves properly.

I'm having the same problem, but mostly inconvenience. Would love some advice.

Boy o boy. Benn there and done that...

Here is an excerpt from my recent book "Dementia Care Companion" available from Amazon at I hope this helps.

How to Handle Incontinence
We were at the grocery store when I heard my wife mumble “No, no, no!” as her pants started to get wet. She was standing in the middle of the aisle. I moved closer and stood next to her for support and whispered, “Don’t worry. It’s okay.” I waited until she had finished, then said, “Let’s go.” I didn’t say anything else, and neither did she. We just walked out of the store, hand in hand.
It’s hard to imagine the anxiety that someone may feel as they experience incontinence developing for the first time and realize that they are gradually losing control over the most fundamental aspects of their existence. They may get depressed, cry every time it happens, and be deeply embarrassed by it. They may try to help the problem by visiting the bathroom repeatedly, especially when they’re about to leave home to go somewhere.
Be Supportive
·      Treat the patient with love and respect, and do not show any sign of anxiety or embarrassment. Communicate in ways that lighten the mood. Instead of saying, “You wet your pants again!” say, “Something spilled on your pants?”
·      Your approach should be matter-of-fact and natural so the patient does not feel guilty or embarrassed.
·      Do not infantilize the patient. Avoid words and phrases that one might use to encourage children to go to the bathroom to avoid accidents.

Cleaning the Patient Afterwards
·      If the patient is unable to clean themselves after using the bathroom, help them in a respectful way. Ask for their permission to help them. Treat them as you would if they were healthy.
·      Approach the task gently so the patient feels comfortable allowing you to clean them. Otherwise, they may insist on doing it themselves and end up making a mess. Unable to clean properly, they may soil their clothes or their genital area, setting the stage for urinary tract or other infection.
·      While you are cleaning the patient, they may grab your hand and prevent you from completing the task. ·      If so, give them a small object, like a soft ball or a towel, to hold for you.

Stay Calm in the Middle of Mayhem
After helping my dad to the toilet, I stepped out briefly to check my email. A minute or two later, I noticed him going from room to room, naked from the waist down and bewildered, his hands cupped together full of feces. As I scrambled to contain the situation, my sister descended upon us, screaming and cursing. Here I was in the middle, trying to help Dad to the bathroom as he was trying to hand his payload over to me, and my sister screaming into my ear at the top of her lungs, all the way to the bathroom and beyond.

Sometimes behaviors associated with bathroom and incontinence may seem bizarre at first. The patient may put their hands in their pants and then wipe their soiled hands on the wall to clean them. Or, they may manage to remove their pants and underwear, but then forgetting what to do next, may defecate in their own hands. They might mistake another room for the toilet, lift the corner of the rug like a toilet seat cover, do their business on the floor, and then put the rug back down over it.
As with everything else in dementia, you have to deal with such behaviors in a calm and collected way. The patient is already confused. Any frustration, agitation, or cursing on your part will only make things worse. Instead, try to reassure the patient with kindness so they feel comfortable allowing you to help them. You must be prepared to give up whatever you are doing, calmly take the patient’s hand and, without a lot of talking, walk them to the bathroom.
In general, the caregiver should accompany the patient into the bathroom. If the patient does not allow you to remain in the bathroom, stay close and vigilant so you can intervene if they forget what to do or start to make a mess. Above all,

GG: I'm sorry you are going through all this. Agreed, it would be best to just leave, but I understand why you can't. Please just remember that caregivers often pass before the people they take care of, so try to find some way to take stress off of yourself. You really don't want to give your entire life for someone like this.

My step mother passed before my dad who had dementia...she was 9 years younger than him, but just gave up. I suspect she was in much the same situation as yourself. When they were younger, he was very protective of her, but quite the dictator. When he got dementia, the "protective" part went away, but the dictator and tunnel vision narcisist part came out in full force.