An only child till I was 16, at 39 my mom had my brother prematurely who has grown up with learning difficulties. I am a daughter who has had a trying parental experience with my mother throughout my life (in addition to having an avoidant father). I endured physical & emotional abuse by my mother's hands. I've tried throughout my life to please her, get validation and approval. Do all the things that I felt a daughter should do like take her for a car ride to get her out of the house, go to lunch, sit outside and soak up some sun, or just watch a movie with her at home, etc. She was diagnosed with cancer in early 2020 and I quit my job and made the decision to relocate to another state to care for her. I'm a giving, attentive, compassionate and aware caregiver but it doesn't seem to be enough. I am treated as though I am an outsider (I'm not given keys to her house, I cannot retrieve her wallet, etc.) and it seems that my brother is the favorite when it comes to who cares best for her as he is given more liberties to help her. Recently, I was trying to get her out of a slump as she was feeling depressed. Maybe my execution was wrong, but I said, "we're dying every day!" and I was trying to emphasize her strength and tenacity as her cancer is in remission and she should try to embrace what she has going for her today! All she focused on was the word "dying" and she thinks I want her to die, which is far from the truth. She ends up telling me, "I hope you die tomorrow!" Also, she had to throw in my face that "you're depressed too!" I'm very open about my mental health and have taken steps to help myself and she hasn't. I'm at a loss and I have chosen to remove myself from her and my brother who lives with her. I've shown my vulnerability numerous times and I have been ridiculed about my sensitivity constantly and have been told, "to move on, don't take it personal and to get over it." It is difficult to endure her wrath over and over again. I thought it was dementia that was affecting her, but I've dealt with her type of behavior all of my life. I'm guilt ridden because I am not assisting in her care but also wanting to practice self-care. How do I make amends with her? I've forgiven her before, made my apologies and I just experience the same dysfunctional cycle with her. I'm tired of this treatment from her. She's old school and she still sees me as a child (I'm 55), and I should respect her because she's an elder. It's challenging to move on when my mother rarely apologizes about her wrong doings and expects me to be the child and repent to her. What would you do? How would you respond?
This may take the form of lashing out verbally at that person. In some cases being told 'this is not acceptable' is enough to curb it.
With other cases, due to pain, illness, brain changes a person cannot control their temper. Or due to their personality or past experiences they actively choose to hurt others.
A person may say what they like.
The other person has no obligation to listen. Or stay within earshot.
Ceecee, I would suggest asking yourself some questions...
. What led you into the role of your Mother's caregiver.
. What keeps you in that role.
. Do you still want to be in that role?
She has also spewed verbal vomit on me during these last couple of years of caregiving.
After 67 years I finally grew a backbone when she starts. I call her out on her bad behavior.
Good news now is she’s finally in a nursing home so when I don’t like the direction the conversation is going, I leave.
I used to think I was too sensitive but she’s managed to alienate a lot of fellow residents at the NH. So am grateful to feel validated.
Your brother, there are resourses for for him, so don't ever think u need to care for him. My disabled nephew has "people" and I am going to be able to back off and let his "people" help him.
Put out some distance between you. Trust me - it’s not going to get better. You will never win her approval, she will never care about you (only what you can do for her) and you will never be enough for her. It’s a heartbreaking harsh reality and I hope your therapist can help you make peace with it.
I find great solace in knowing I’m not the only daughter struggling with this. We all grew up thinking this was a normal parent-child dynamic. Having children of my own opened my eyes as to just how much my mother messed with my head. Save yourself and enjoy the rest of your life. She is the problem, not you.
You cannot change ppl, and with dementia it's only going to get worse as ppl with this disease can become vicious with words and actions.
But it also sounds like you want your mothers approval and validation + love. Well, if you didn't get it before chances are you won't get it now no matter how good a daughter you try to be. Letting go is hard, but sometimes necessary. I would also look into getting some therapy to work out some of these feelings you carry. Best of luck.
Find a job and move out! No one should have to settle for abuse. It is not necessary for you to grovel until you regain mom's goodwill after whatever offense she accuses you of committing.
You are a valuable human being and worthy of respect, as all human beings are. She's hurt you and beaten down your self-esteem, perhaps even with the hope of keeping you right where you are so she'll have everlasting help till the day she dies. But guess what? You don't have to do what mom expects of you. As an adult, you get to live where you want, be friends with those of your choice, and work to support yourself. Please do that.
Counseling might help, as others have said. But the biggest thing is to know that you deserve better and are capable of finding it - far away from mom.
I appreciate the reassurance that I'm a valuable human being worthy of respect. I guess I need to walk the walk and practice what I preach!
Thank you for responding.
p.s. I've been in talk therapy since 2010.
Please find a new job and a good therapist to help you love YOURSELF and stop trying to get mother to act motherly towards you. She's not capable of it. Cut your losses NOW and stop looking for her to become a loving and thankful person who's going to be appreciative of your efforts. That ship has sailed. She has her beloved son to look after her, so now you need to look after yourself, my friend.
Stop allowing mother to ridicule and abuse you any longer! You deserve so much more. You have nothing to repent for.
I'd move on with my life and wish her well, but being a scratching post for her is no longer in the cards for me. Enough is enough. Send her a Thinking of You card every now and then from wherever you move to.
Best of luck to you.
PS. I used to tell my mother, who was "dying" since I was a small child but lived to 95, that we DIE every night when we go to sleep! Which is basically the truth. She hated when I said that. 🤣
Loved this: PS. I used to tell my mother, who was "dying" since I was a small child but lived to 95, that we DIE every night when we go to sleep! Which is basically the truth. She hated when I said that. 🤣
And I like to say on here that anyone who has been abused by a parent in any way should NEVER be the one to care for them.... EVER.
You are the one that keeps putting yourself in these situations with your mom, and I can only guess that it's because in some weird way the little girl in you is still looking for love and approval from a mom who just doesn't know how to give it.
And you have to learn to be ok with that. So quit trying to get the approval you will never get.
Instead know that you are worthy and valuable even without your moms approval.
And for your own mental health's sake, please step away from caring for your mom. You will be much better off for it.
My mom disowned me, for leaving a mentally abusive husband, but I still was there hours a week when she needed me
Your mom has narcissist qualities for sure. It could be some demtia, that makes her worse. It's like a mean person is always mean then when they drink, the meanness really comes out.
My mom picked her golden child, which is your brother. Same as my mom. I'll never be good enough. To be honest, I don't think anyone with the kind of resentment you have should be taking care of her mom. It's not healthy for you. It's often not healthy for me, even though I ignore my own advice. But since I've been getting my self mentally healthier after getting caregiver burnout. I feel much better, I do less with a more healthy additude, as far as taking care of me first.
I think the reason I took this on , was not the right reason. I did it to prove to my mom that I'm a god person. It didn't change that for mom.
I would suggest see a therapist, and if you decide not to take care of mom, that's completely ok, or if you do decide that's ok too, as long as you can learn to not bring it home and know what you getting into after counseling.
Hope that made sense, I feel like I got a little rambling
As an RN I believe that we die as we live. Those of us who live angry and mean die the same way.
I also was taught to respect those who BEHAVE WITH RESPECT toward me, and who are DESERVING of respect.
To respect someone who is cruel is to do dishonor to the very word, imho.
You tell us this:
"I endured physical & emotional abuse by my mother's hands. I've tried throughout my life to please her, get validation and approval. "
To abuse our children is vile sickness. To return goodness for abuse is what that vile sickness produces.
I must tell you that you are an "easy cure" for a really SKILLED cognitive therapist, because this is one of the most common syndromes in any culture.
I would seek therapy with a good therapist who will shake you up. Not one who sits and nods in sympathy while her hand is out for the next vending of 2 100$ bills.
I always think that the best place for us when you have toxic family is 1,000 miles away. Not certain which is more expensive these days, a move or a good therapist. But that's about all I can recommend.
When your mother does die I hope you will endeavor to let this go. If you continue to spend your entire life marinating in her toxicity it will do the same thing if does to meat, weaken it.
I drew on the assembly line that spits out our parents two of the best people ever to live. I don't know what monitors the unfairness of that. I am so dreadfully sorry and please know that my tough words are meant out of love to shake you up so you don't continue this forward generationally. I wish you the very best. I wish you healing. I believe that you are worthy of that.
Guilt? No reason for this self-imposed emotion that is keeping you stuck. You have done nothing to feel guilty about.
Move on, get out of this toxic circle you have lived in all your life.
Don't worry about what she thinks, you are an adult her equal, no longer a child.
Start reinventing yourself, move to wherever you want, get a new job and so on. Don't waste one more minute of your life trying to get her to respect and love you, it will not happen, accept it as the truth.