I am currently caretaking for my mother that has cancer and Alzheimer’s. It's left unsaid but the truth is that I'm also caring for my father who has ptsd, depression and rage issues. My whole life has been a journey. I felt like I've been just surviving up until this point still. I'm still trying to find a way where I can someday have a life of my own but now not able to have a job, caring for my mother my only hope is to save and move out nearby so I can come back to care for her and just be away from him.
Today particularly is a struggle. I was working with betterhelp therapists but unfortunately, they were unresponsive for whatever reason summer vacation, their own person things etc. so today I've just been journaling and trying to hold it all together, but I just want to cry because my father continue to never take accountability. I didn't ask him to, but he is decided to just be very stubborn hardheaded and irresponsible with his actions and neglect.
I've been taking both of my parent’s responsibilities with siblings who think they are "totally more capable than you think" and who says "I deal with dad too" when she lives in Hawaii on the beach working from home, luxurious life while I’ve had to live in our home almost up until 30 because of the trauma.
I'm trucking forward. My mom had her neuro testing yesterday and the neuro psych has an idea that my dad may have been abusive. I feel like we're taking steps in a better direction for her care and my dad being humbled. I don’t know. I'm just so tired. Today is very hard.
I just wanted to know how anyone has handled it, any advice is wished. I know I just really need a hug though.
First of all, you can absolutely change your life, but with the situation you are in its going to take some time, nothing is over night.
You sound like you are getting seriously burnt out. I tell you that term is used to much, thrown around all over the place, but true burnout like you have, is no fun, I've been there , done that.
First your not alone, that alone helped me when. I was at my worst 6 months ago.
Secondly, children of a dysfunctional family should not be there parents caregiver. To much resentments and anger, and causes burnout to happen sooner and harder.
Thirdly, burnout changes your brain chemistry, actually causes PTSD.
So now what do you do?
Get rid of any guilt you may be feeling, you didn't mention that but I suspect you have some, and that's why you are caretaking, you where probably expected to do this and groomed from a young age.
This is a start anyways, of healing, I'll check back
Is there a chance of getting them in a facility ?
If they are too stubborn about it I suggest not accepting POA or give up POA when you move out and call APS .
You could also call your County Area Agency of Aging NOW and see what help
may be available .
Your father being a veteran , reach out to the VA to see what help he can get .
I’m assuming that Dad would not be willing to go to adult daycare .
Your mother may be able to be placed in a facility .
Your Dad may have to be left alone for a while and let him fail on his own until he allows outside help to come in the house ..
Hired help could be brought into the home to give you a break . This help is to be paid for with your parents money .
Selling the house to pay for assisted living may work , however you don’t say how much physical care your parents need .
You asked a similar question in May. You mentioned then you cannot leave Mom alone with Dad and now "the neuro psych has an idea that my dad may have been abusive". It was suggested in May you call APS. Now you have a doctor telling you they think Dad is abusing Mom. As a Mandated reporter this doctor can report to APS his findings and I would ask him to do it. You need to get Dad out of that house or Mom.
Is Mom terminal? If so, she will be leaving you. When she does, walk away from Dad. Let him fend for himself. If you feel he is a vulnerable adult call APS to help him. But u and boyfriend take your savings and move out. Go to another State and let the State take carevof Dad.
And ‘that would break my heart’ – there are many heart-breaking aspects to aged care, including death. Don’t tell yourself that you can’t do it, because you may have no alternative. You will be taking the best of a set of very difficult options. Don't punish yourself for it.
Please reread it.
I get the guilt, I get the feeling bad, but honestly, hon, " your life matters"
Your mental health matters, your mental health effect every thing about your physical health.
None of us are supper heros. None of us can clone are selves so we can be in 2 places at ones. Trust me I wish I could.
We have to think of are health during this caregiving
You may not like everything we say, but trust me we have been where you are. And what we say is with your health in mind
After my dad passed, my mom took a turn for the worst both physically and mentally. I sold their house to pay for my mom's personal care. It gets ugly before it turns around. You will survive this!
Look into palliative care, if on Medicare many plans have it free of charge.
Get her situated, a few things from home that make her feel comfortable.
Set clear guidelines, expectations, and boundaries with the facility.
You may feel sad for her, or shame in leaving her, but it is her life. Alz is tragic and difficult to care for, add cancer and she really should be in a facility.
Once mom is settled get your narcissistic father out of your life. Start by being very clear with him - you have to tell a narcissist what they don’t want to hear (the truth AND what you want) then let them try to deny the truth through manipulation, playing the victim, anger, whatever, then you have to show him you won’t fall for it. Walk away and don’t cave. Narcissists can’t handle the realization that they can no longer control you, so they will try harder and you’ll have to stand your ground. It’s hard but you have to do this to build your confidence and crush theirs.
Narcissists love playing in the toxic triangle. They love to be perpetrators, then play the victim and or the rescuer to suck you back in. Screwing with you to constantly reinforce their control over you is their mission in life. Know the game so you can beat it.
I realize you will have to have contact, but you set the boundaries upfront and stick to them. You’ll have to be firm with him, remind him in situations what the rules are, and tell him in no uncertain terms he shapes up in the moment period. It seems like he could be in early stages of dementia and that would be one more reason to have boundaries and space bc eventually he will be in a facility himself. If that happens, put his care in a siblings hands, or make him a ward of the state.
definitely seek out consult with elder law, social worker, etc. give them the whole story and share your concerns he is abusive with your mom. The more you tell the better for the best chance to get help with solutions.
It is time to shift your mindset from “how do I deal with this” to “this is what I want. What steps do I need to take to get what I want.”
You have to be in a proactive mindset - one that is centered around you getting your life back, not around the fear of letting mom down or fear of what dad will do next. Don’t give in to the siblings - you’ve done enough. Decide what you want to do and when that is done do no more - put it on them.
You seem really centered on self care - journaling, therapy, etc is awesome. Keep doing it - find groups, etc many of those are free. Anything where you can be heard - tell your story, hear yourself say what you want in specific terms from a place of strength in front of others as many times as you can…solutions will start to take shape and things will start to happen.
It’s a lot. I went through something similar and it felt like there was no way out. I felt the weight of it all in my body, I felt it sucking all my energy. You will get through this! You are not alone -